Content with seeing Joshua settle in enough, Clive nods. "Right. I'll make some in the morning, then." Which is what he usually does, if only to feel marginally human.
The lull in conversation makes him pay attention to the throbbibg in his face, though. The painkillers given at the hospital are starting to wear off and with all the moving around and talking he's doing, it's only making things worse. And then he won't be able to pick up his new prescription until the morning. He goes to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and dumps out a few ibuprofen into his hand, bringing them back to the table. It takes a little longer to open his bottle of water with screwed up hands, but he manages it and takes the medicine.
At the mention of Jill, however, Clive stops moving and finally takes a seat at the table. "Jill. Yeah. I...ran into her a few years back." That's the nicest and most neutral way to put it. "We talk and meet up from time to time."
Joshua frowns a little watching him struggle with the bottle cap but he doesn't reach to help unless asked. The does reach to grip his brother's shoulder when Clive settles down.
"I'm glad. It's better than either of you being entirely alone." Which they have all been for years. His breath catches.
"It's been so long... I - I'm sorry I couldn't find you sooner. I'm sorry, brother."
Maybe the pizza will come before they are both crying again.
Watching Joshua struggle again causes Clive to scoot a little closer. "Hey." He reaches out and pulls his brother against his chest. "Don't apologize." It isn't as if he's upset that Joshua, whom he didn't even know was alive until a few hours ago, didn't hunt him down immediately.
Once again, Clive scratches his fingertips against the top of Joshua's head. "I haven't exactly wanted to be found." Not these last few years, anyway. After the bar incident and his discharge, Clive has just been content to exist. As long as no one bothers him or asks questions about that whole stain on his record and his life, then he's okay. "All that matters is that we're here now." He leans over and presses his face to Joshua's hair again, like he had in the cab.
But then a buzzer sounds and he pulls away. "That's probably the food."
But it made Clive think he was dead longer. Made him hurt over it longer. And Joshua has no doubt that Clive was in pain. Like still is, because some things take time to settle down.
He does smile, however, at the touches, at the reassurance, his eyes on his brother so soft.
"We are here."
-- the buzzer startles him, and he blinks, sitting up carefully not to headbutt Clive.
Clive looks down at his clothes and...oh. Right. A bloody shirt probably would frighten the delivery driver, and with good reason. He nods, standing up to do as his brother suggests. "Yeah. Good call." He reaches out to gently squeeze Joshua's shoulder as he moves to his bedroom.
He carefully tugs the shirt over his head and, after a moment of deliberation, tosses it in the trash. Blood is a bitch to get out of fabric and Clive knows he doesn't have the patience or self-discipline to properly work at it. As he moves to his dresser to find another shirt, he passes the mirror he has leaning up against a wall and turns to get a glimpse of his back. Redness blooms along his shoulder blades and a few splotches dot the rest of his back; when the bruising really gets going, his back is going to look like a sickly canvas. He sighs. Nothing to be done about it.
But he grabs another shirt and pulls it on, then decides to go ahead and switch out his jeans for sweatpants while he's here, and goes back out to meet Joshua.
Joshua gives a shaky smile in the direction of Clive's retreating back before pulling himself together and going to figure out the taking in the delivery.
He's done by the time his brother returns, and just setting the pizza on the table.
"Napkins?" Or paper towels. The plates are optional, but he's pretty sure they will need those.
Seeing Joshua in his apartment still takes Clive by surprise. His baby brother who isn't a kid anymore, just existing in his space again. Clive stops outside his bedroom door and leans against the wall to watch him for a moment, amazed he's here.
He's snapped out of it when Joshua asks about the napkins, though. "On top of the fridge." It's a mismatched stack of what he's collected over time. Leftover napkins from takeout, mostly, bit there are a few old Christmas-themed napkins in the mix, too. Next to the napkins pile is a stack of paper plates and he heads over to get a couple down for them.
His hands, while definitely not unscathed from this whole experience, are the least of Clive's problems. They hurt, but not as badly as his face, and not to a degree that he can't function because of it. Getting paper plates isn't going to tip him over the edge.
That said, he relinquishes them to Joshua without a fight. Right now he's pretty sure he'd do anything his brother asked.
Instead of potentially getting himself in trouble, Clive sits down again and waits for Joshua to take care of him, as backwards as that's always going to feel. But with nothing to do, nothing to distract his thoughts, he thinks about how Joshua knew he was alive. For a few years. Clive lowers his head. "I'm sorry." He swallows and feels heavy. "If I had known you were looking for me..."
Joshua is almost ready to take his seat and tell Clive to dig in, when the apology comes, and, his hands free from plates and napkins, he just turns to hug his brother again, kissing the top of his head.
"How could you have known? Me were all buried and mourned. There was even an obituary for Jill. Mother was very thorough." Joshua's voice goes low, very toneless, with that last sentence.
"I could not even remember my own name for years, after. You couldn't have known to look. It's all right."
A long, long breath in, taking in Clive's warmth, the scent of his hair, the texture of it against his own face.
"I might have had to spend years more looking - I would have, make no mistake - if Dion hadn't lent a hand."
There is no emphasis on the name, he's half forgotten he didn't mention it before.
It's not all right. Nothing about what happened is all right and the fact that Clive was allowed to go about his life for all these years and not even have a hint that Joshua or Jill were still alive is going to eat at him forever.
Losing his father had been horrible, if somewhat understandable. Parents usually pass before their children. There had been so much blood and even though Clive didn't register most of it properly at the time, he had already been dead. But Joshua...
Clive reaches up and wraps his arms tightly around his brother. It's probably uncomfortable, maybe even a little painful, but he has to hold him.
He had shoved Joshua out of the way when he saw that truck hurtling toward them. Because that's what older brothers do. They protect. Their father couldn't do it anymore so Clive had to. He had to. The fact he took the hit of the truck is also how it should have been. He was older, bigger, stronger. Joshua never would have survived it. But Clive did.
...Only to wake up in a hospital, alone, told his family was dead except for his mother - and the fact she abandoned him there is almost a blessing - and with no choice but to start over. So he did. He had to. Physical therapy, emotional therapy, foster families, a name change, all of it he endured.
If only he had known.
"I...I feel like I failed you." His voice gives out on the last word and Clive screws his eyes shut while he grips Joshua's shirt tightly. He breathes in deeply and tries again. "I still should have been there."
Clive gives himself a few moments to get his emotions under control before he pulls away a little. "Dion? Dion Lesage?"
Being held this tight. It might border on painful, but it makes something in Joshua's very soul feel right and warm and like he's home. Like he is real, not a ghost in his own life, not someone who can float away and nobody will notice. It makes his breath hitch on the verge on sobbing once again and he shifts to back just as tight.
"You didn't fail me, Clive. Ever. If I stand here today, it is first of all because of what you did."
Oh, how he has wished his brother had been there, so much time over the years, missing him a physical pain, a gaping wall of loss, once he remembered. But it was never Clive's fault. Never.
"And you are here now. You lived, brother. Through all these years, you kept going. If anyone can understand how hard that is..." His arms tighten yet a little more. "I'm here. I won't disappear on you again." No one can break them apart again. No one.
He breathes out, softly.
"Yes. Dion Lesage. He started post-graduate study and moved in the apartment next to mine, so I was just saying hi to my new neighbor before either of us could get much of a look at each other. He recognized me first."
All right, yes, apparently he did save Joshua's life that night. Not that Clive knew. Seeing his brother's name on a headstone, along with their father's whom Clive had no doubts about being dead...
Well. That only made it seem more real. Of course he was the only survivor. Presumed dead. He never could make sense of that, but with the only family he loved - and who loved him - dead, then really what was the point?
But now, he knows. If only he could have thrown himself out of the way of that truck in time. They could have been together. Life would have been hard, but they would have each other.
Clive's eyes start to well up yet again. All this time has passed, time wherein he was supposed to help guide Joshua in growing up. Commiserating over voice cracks and how frustrating that is. Teasing Joshua about his first crush, even if Clive never really had much experience with that. Taking Joshua out for his first (legal) drink and dealing with any repercussions that might come of it.
He missed that. He missed all of that. Joshua is an adult now with his own apartment and Clive wasn't there to help with anything.
The tears fall again and Clive pulls away to rub his knuckles against his eyes. He can't sit here and feel sorry for himself. Joshua deserves better from his older brother. And the pizza is going to get cold, not that that bothers him. But Joshua was always more picky about food so this might bother him. Clive gestures lazily to the table. "We should eat."
He wipes his eyes again and sniffs, trying to get himself back under control. While he picks a few slices for himself, ignoring Joshua's words about resting his hands again, he continues the conversation. "How lucky. About Dion, I mean. Being your neighbor."
Something about Clive's expression this time seems different. Angrier, more pained. Unhappy.
Joshua hasn't expected that. That his presence might be a source of pain for his brother, rather than joy. It twists something inside of him, the thought that he was selfish, again, to come here because he wanted it, wants it still so much that his entire being hurts at thought of not doing so, without considering what it might be like for Clive.
I am sorry. So sorry...
But he has done it, and he can't take it back.
He manages a smile up at his brother.
"Yes. Please, let's do that."
He waits for Clive to start, to resume the conversation, before picking his own slice and biting into it without hesitation. No carrots in sight, after all, only his appetite suddenly all gone.
But the smile at least gets easier, fond if a little rueful at that last part.
"Extremely lucky for me. I can be here now, thanks to his help. He has been indefatigably helpful and gracias, and I'm afraid I've been little but trouble for him."
Beat.
"Not on purpose! For example, when I first said hi and welcome, he was on the balcony, holding his phone, and he dropped and it broke." A rush to explain, to reassure his brother he didn't grow up into someone who makes trouble for others purposefully.
Like Mother does.
He bites into his slice of pizza, to try to silence that that thought.
The food smells good, even if his appetite dropped off when he let himself think too much. But his stomach gives another insistent growl so Clive takes a bite.
And immediately realizes that chewing with an injured cheek is more difficult than talking and he's going to have to take this slowly. Not that he's going to make a big deal out of it; there's already enough for Joshua to worry about today. So he'll take his time and smaller bites and just listen to Joshua talk. His voice is so different, naturally, but still recognizable as his brother and Clive never wants him to stop, as ridiculous as that actually is.
The way Joshua rushes his words to explain himself almost metaphorically knocks Clive over entirely. It's almost difficult to keep up, but he manages, nodding along. "The two of you always got along when we were kids. I hope that hasn't changed much." Not that he suspects Joshua intentionally made Dion break his phone or whatever happened. A lot of time has passed and people can change, but Joshua? Clive wouldn't dare say such a thing.
The other thing he says about Dion grabs Clive's attention. "How has he helped?" Even if Joshua has been 'dead' to Clive's knowledge all this time, he can't help but let instinct take over. If his little brother has needed help, he wants to know what it is.
Appetite is hard, and it is not difficult to guess that the cut will give him trouble, so Joshua is not rushing, even if he suspects his brother needs rest almost more than he needs the food.
The first comment makes him smile, small and a little tired, but very warm.
"We do get along well." He breathes out, slowly. "He's retired Air Force officer. With high clearance. I - after I saw you, I started looking in serious. Eventually, I found that other bar. And that you had been discharged because of it. But, after that, I could find nothing. He used his security clearance and... called in favors, and they found some places that had requested a background check on you. Places where you applied for work. It would probably have taken me a lot longer to find you, without that."
He breathes out slowly, and chews on his pizza for a long moment, but his stomach is turning at the thought of what he's saying next.
"She... Mother. She married Dion's father, after. I hadn't ... I hadn't thought to learn. He's helped while at the same time keeping it... to himself, that we are all alive. You and Jill and I. Including from potential surveillance. As she has apparently done in the past."
Nope, he sets the pizza down for a moment, and reaches for the water, letting the chill of it help settle his stomach.
Military talk has Clive setting down his own pizza. What happened to him isn't a secret, even if some details have never been released publicly. That doesn't mean he likes thinking about it. Quite the opposite, actually.
Joshua had said earlier that he knew what happened, but between the shock of seeing him again and all the bullshit at the bar, Clive hadn't really gotten a chance to think about it, let alone talk to Joshua. Knowing he was discharged is one thing, but to know about the specific bar means that Joshua knows why he was discharged. Clive looks down, unable to meet his brother's eye. "I..."
His desire to eat is gone now. "I'm...sorry you had to see that." He killed a man. To learn that one's brother is responsible for taking another person's life, regardless of the reason, must be...horrifying. Even if Joshua hasn't made any moves to leave or guilt Clive, he still worries.
So, instead, he just takes a breath and shakes his head. "I know about Mother." And he's had time to...not come to terms with it, but accept that she more than likely had a hand in what happened that night, as well as do it all for money and clout, probably. While Clive had to take time to work through his trauma, at least there was no love lost between him and their mother. One less issue. But she at least pretended to care about Joshua. That betrayal must have stung more for him.
At least it seems that Dion has some shreds of dignity. Finally, he raises his head again. "Dion... Give him my thanks?"
Joshua's clean hand goes to squeeze Clive's arm, immediately. Holding on a little.
"I am sorry you had to go throw it. That must be infinitely worse - and not ... not only because of times such as tonight."
Clive had been a soldier. (So had Dion.) In active deployment areas, the possibility that he would have had to, been ordered to, kill people was real. There was a difference, of course there was, and, at the same time, there wasn't.
"You were protecting Jill. Even Dion, when he gave me the file, said that it was a situation in which you shouldn't have been in. Because of the other person, not because of you." He closes his eyes. "His words were that it doesn't make you a bad person."
A small smile. "He didn't need to tell me that, I already knew. But it was reassuring that he could see the same thing." And, Joshua suspects, Clive needs to hear it more than Joshua did, even.
The smile fades, his chin dropping helplessly. "There was... a time. After I glimpsed you. That I thought about... coming out to claim my name properly. It would resolve the issue with finding you, so long as you wanted it." And he believes that Clive would have, eventually. "Then I - I found out that she knew that you lived. And she left you in that hospital. Unclaimed. Alone. And I knew that if I tried to reclaim who I am, she would fight me, every step of the way. And it would be so, so ugly, and nobody, nothing would be left unscarred by it. Especially people who are not at fault at all. So I ... couldn't. I didn't."
More people would die, Joshua is rather certain. Not to protect anyone, but just out of Anabella Lesage's whims.
Clive had been a soldier, yes. But that incident happened on home ground. It was just supposed to be a night on leave where they could unwind and relax. Clive had liked his deployment in Africa, had felt like he had made some real difference during his time there, but it was also hellish on the bad days. Being back home felt good.
His sergeant, Tillmann, was drunk. So was Clive, though. It's what happens in a bar. And there hadn't been anything to worry about. Tillmann might have let his mouth run away with him when he was inebriated, but he always behaved enough so Clive let him be as he went around and flirted. Women flirted with Clive, too, and he even got a couple drinks out of just existing. He made sure to return the favor, as was only decent.
There was a beautiful woman sitting alone in a corner. Clive hadn't noticed her before despite how striking she was. She looked sad, though, but mostly distressed as she gripped her phone tightly while someone sat far too close to her.
Someone. Tillmann. He had noticed her beauty, too.
Clive couldn't hear what he said to her, but he did lean in far too close and paid no attention to her body language, moving to try and take one of her hands repeatedly, despite the woman pulling it back and trying to scoot away every time.
It was wrong and Clive made his way to the table, his gut tangling among itself all the while. The woman looked up at him with wide eyes, fear obvious, worried that Clive was going to hang up on her, too. It made him hate Tillmann, for that moment, something he had never felt toward the other man before.
And...there was something familiar about her...
Leave her alone, Sergeant.
Fuck off, Rich.
You're scaring her.
She's just playin' hard to get.
Tillmann's hands started going places they were most certainly not welcome and the woman tried to get away and looked so desperately toward Clive, the only person who seemed to give a damn about her, and it made him so, so angry that in an entire packed bar, no one cared.
No one cared.
No one tried.
Hr looked at her one more time and that familiarity, that recognition, took hold of him.
Clive had always been bigger and stronger, but also soft-spoken. Tillmann likely never expected to be bodily dragged away or punched or to have his head split open on the corner of a table. To be fair, Clive hadn't expected it either.
Yes, he was protecting Jill. Some might even call him a hero. He doesn't feel like one, not with the cost of a life on his hands, but he knows he would do it again for her. He would do it for Joshua, too, now that he's back in his life. He won't say this, not right now, but he rests one bandaged hand on top of Joshua's.
As for their mother... Clive can't say how conniving she truly is. He never understood her beyond realizing from an early age that she resented his existence. Probably because he looks so much like his father and had a good relationship with him. She clearly hated Elwin, too. And if she went so far as to have her own children killed, then what did it matter? She is...
Evil comes to mind, even though it sounds so cliche.
Clive shakes his head. "We know how she is. Waking a sleeping dragon would be less catastrophic." He gives Joshua's hand a gently squeeze. "Let her be, for now."
Oh... so that's how it looks from the outside, to have the memories flood back and wash away your sense of the present, of your current time and place in the world. His brother seems to hold his own better than Joshua last did, but the shellshocked look...
He squeezes Clive's arm, covered by the bandaged hand, fully aware that, his own willingness to ignore what he wants notwithstanding, pizza will be mostly left over. And it's a decent pizza, he thinks. He can't taste it anymore, right now.
But then Clive focuses on him, with an... approval of his judgment that Joshua was bracing himself to not receive, and it is ... dizzying, for a moment. He blinks, his breathing easier and his shoulders relaxing, though he doesn't quite manage a smile.
"I-- right. Thank you, brother." He takes a deep, deep breath.
"Right. Do you think you can manage a few more bites? Just so your body doesn't additionally rebel against the painkillers? If not, I think it's better if we just call it a night, you really need the rest."
Beat. And, before Clive can go there, because Joshua is pretty sure an attempt will be made,
"You're not taking the couch. Or anything like sleeping on the floor. You need proper rest."
Clive sighs. "My couch isn't as bad as it looks." He's fallen asleep on it plenty of times! And...woke up more stiff and sore than someone his age should be. Okay, maybe Joshua has a point. "Fine."
He also does need to eat. Clive knows this. His body knows this. His brain, on the other hand, is a piece of shit that makes no sense tonight, so he tries to shove all his thoughts away and take a few more bites. It's difficult work, what with the sudden appetite loss and the pain in his cheek, but he manages to eat one slice. That will have to do until morning, or whenever he wakes up.
It doesn't take much time or effort to put the pizza away and then Clibe is up and heads to his room. There, he pauses. Joshua hasn't said he's staying, but the implications are all there. It won't hurt to offer, anyway. He digs through his drawers and pulls out a shirt and sweatpants that aren't on their last threads, but also shouldn't swamp Joshua entirely. Finding his brother again, he holds the clothes out to him, but also notices more clearly now that Joshua is still way too thin. He won't mention it.
"You may be as tall as me now, but I'm still bigger, so. Hope they're not too big."
Yes, the implication was there. If he wasn't staying, would they be discussing Clive not sleeping on the couch...
... then again, it has been a very long night, and they are both really tired. And Joshua is very proud of Clive for the effort to take those last few bites, and then he tries to help with the clean-up, given the state of Clive's hands, but he still doesn't know what goes where, so...
When Clive goes to his bedroom, Joshua leans against a door-frame and checks his phone, even though it is rather late. If Dion has answer, he'll update him that they are at Clive's place, and all is reasonably ok.
He looks up at Clive when he speaks up, for a moment his face showing his wonder, all over again, that he is near his brother. At long, long last. Then he blinks, and takes the offered clothes.
"Thanks. I think... I can manage to sleep in them."
He reaches up to just. Touch Clive's unhurt cheek. "Get some rest."
He will take the couch. Then again, he has less bulk to contort.
The wonder is a mutual feeling. After Clive hands over the clothes and Joshua touches his cheek, Clive pulls him into his arms again. How many times has he hugged his brother tonight? He has no idea. He doesn't care, either. Clive takes another breath and tightens his arms a little. Joshua's body is solid and real and warm and it's the best feeling in the world to hug him.
"I'm glad you're here."
There's no rush for him to pull away, but he has to if either of them is going to get some sleep. Clive eventually does, though, and he reaches up to gently ruffle Joshua's hair, offering his brother a little smile. If Joshua gets annoyed by it, well. Clive would understand, but it doesn't stop him.
Then, after a moment of just looking at him, he jerks his head toward his room. "Come to bed when you're ready. I won't make you sleep on the couch, either."
And Joshua melts into Clive's hold just as readily as the previous times, breathing in with something that is still very much... relief.
"I'm glad, too." Into Clive's shoulder, and he only smiles at the hair ruffle, maybe ducking his head down a little but certainly not away.
He has missed these, too. All the ways of affection.
-- and then Clive follows up with that, and Joshua practically glows with joy. He wouldn't, couldn't, just invite himself into his brother's bed, not the first night (he has done so before, but that was a different time, a different life, and seeking comfort from a thunderstorm or a bad dream had felt... normal. Now it feels... odd. Because he both wants to reassure his brother that he is all right, and to cling to him and seek out and offer the comfort denied them for years), but he won't let his brother wonder whether he wants it or not.
"Thanks, brother. I will."
And he changes quickly, dipping into the bathroom to wash his face and at least rinse his mouth with water - or mouthwash, if Clive has any - before taking a deep breath and going into the bedroom to ... beeline for the bed. And more hugs, his posture as he settles just about identical to when he last snuck into his brother's bed, only with a lot longer limbs.
With sleeping arrangements decided, Clive goes through the apartment and grabs his phone from the table before turning out all the lights except the one in his bedroom. He should clean himself up more before going to bed, but he also doesn't really care right now. He's tired, the night's events and his body's abuse sapping all his energy.
So he sets his phone on his lamp table next to the bed and crawls in, curling on his right side so as not to disturb his bandaged cheek. It's easy enough to let his eyes fall closed as he waits for Joshua. His brother doesn't keep him waiting for long, though, and as soon as he feels the dip in the bed, Clive holds open an arm so Joshua can fit tucked close.
It's muscle memory more than active thinking on his part, his body kicking in for his already drowsy brain. How many times had they shared a bed like this? After numerous storms and bad dreams and far too many overheard arguments between their parents, it had been just as likely for Joshua to sleep in Clive's bed as it was his own. Sometimes Clive wished his brother would rely on him less, but he never did more than grumble while making room. Those early teenage years are hell on any boy and Clive had been no different. But while he would have liked his space, he knew that Joshua didn't really have anyone else.
And he loves his brother so much.
And then he didn't have him anymore.
He's here now, though, and Clive wraps his arm around Joshua, holding him close. "Hey." This is all so familiar and yet the space of years makes changes so very evident. "I still can't believe how tall you are."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-09-20 09:29 pm (UTC)The lull in conversation makes him pay attention to the throbbibg in his face, though. The painkillers given at the hospital are starting to wear off and with all the moving around and talking he's doing, it's only making things worse. And then he won't be able to pick up his new prescription until the morning. He goes to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and dumps out a few ibuprofen into his hand, bringing them back to the table. It takes a little longer to open his bottle of water with screwed up hands, but he manages it and takes the medicine.
At the mention of Jill, however, Clive stops moving and finally takes a seat at the table. "Jill. Yeah. I...ran into her a few years back." That's the nicest and most neutral way to put it. "We talk and meet up from time to time."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-21 06:24 am (UTC)"I'm glad. It's better than either of you being entirely alone." Which they have all been for years. His breath catches.
"It's been so long... I - I'm sorry I couldn't find you sooner. I'm sorry, brother."
Maybe the pizza will come before they are both crying again.
Maybe.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-21 08:15 am (UTC)Once again, Clive scratches his fingertips against the top of Joshua's head. "I haven't exactly wanted to be found." Not these last few years, anyway. After the bar incident and his discharge, Clive has just been content to exist. As long as no one bothers him or asks questions about that whole stain on his record and his life, then he's okay. "All that matters is that we're here now." He leans over and presses his face to Joshua's hair again, like he had in the cab.
But then a buzzer sounds and he pulls away. "That's probably the food."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-21 06:06 pm (UTC)He does smile, however, at the touches, at the reassurance, his eyes on his brother so soft.
"We are here."
-- the buzzer startles him, and he blinks, sitting up carefully not to headbutt Clive.
"I... can go take that, and you go... change?"
no subject
Date: 2023-09-24 06:47 am (UTC)Clive looks down at his clothes and...oh. Right. A bloody shirt probably would frighten the delivery driver, and with good reason. He nods, standing up to do as his brother suggests. "Yeah. Good call." He reaches out to gently squeeze Joshua's shoulder as he moves to his bedroom.
He carefully tugs the shirt over his head and, after a moment of deliberation, tosses it in the trash. Blood is a bitch to get out of fabric and Clive knows he doesn't have the patience or self-discipline to properly work at it. As he moves to his dresser to find another shirt, he passes the mirror he has leaning up against a wall and turns to get a glimpse of his back. Redness blooms along his shoulder blades and a few splotches dot the rest of his back; when the bruising really gets going, his back is going to look like a sickly canvas. He sighs. Nothing to be done about it.
But he grabs another shirt and pulls it on, then decides to go ahead and switch out his jeans for sweatpants while he's here, and goes back out to meet Joshua.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-24 07:31 am (UTC)He's done by the time his brother returns, and just setting the pizza on the table.
"Napkins?" Or paper towels. The plates are optional, but he's pretty sure they will need those.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 07:04 pm (UTC)He's snapped out of it when Joshua asks about the napkins, though. "On top of the fridge." It's a mismatched stack of what he's collected over time. Leftover napkins from takeout, mostly, bit there are a few old Christmas-themed napkins in the mix, too. Next to the napkins pile is a stack of paper plates and he heads over to get a couple down for them.
"Thank you, Joshua. For doing this."
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 07:15 pm (UTC)"Of course." Quietly, and just bumps his forehead against Clive's shoulder. "I couldn't not. Not once I knew you were out there."
He holds out his hands for the paper plates.
"Rest your hands as much as you can. There'll be plenty of time to get them working properly.
no subject
Date: 2023-09-25 11:36 pm (UTC)That said, he relinquishes them to Joshua without a fight. Right now he's pretty sure he'd do anything his brother asked.
Instead of potentially getting himself in trouble, Clive sits down again and waits for Joshua to take care of him, as backwards as that's always going to feel. But with nothing to do, nothing to distract his thoughts, he thinks about how Joshua knew he was alive. For a few years. Clive lowers his head. "I'm sorry." He swallows and feels heavy. "If I had known you were looking for me..."
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Date: 2023-09-25 11:53 pm (UTC)"How could you have known? Me were all buried and mourned. There was even an obituary for Jill. Mother was very thorough." Joshua's voice goes low, very toneless, with that last sentence.
"I could not even remember my own name for years, after. You couldn't have known to look. It's all right."
A long, long breath in, taking in Clive's warmth, the scent of his hair, the texture of it against his own face.
"I might have had to spend years more looking - I would have, make no mistake - if Dion hadn't lent a hand."
There is no emphasis on the name, he's half forgotten he didn't mention it before.
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Date: 2023-09-26 09:26 pm (UTC)Losing his father had been horrible, if somewhat understandable. Parents usually pass before their children. There had been so much blood and even though Clive didn't register most of it properly at the time, he had already been dead. But Joshua...
Clive reaches up and wraps his arms tightly around his brother. It's probably uncomfortable, maybe even a little painful, but he has to hold him.
He had shoved Joshua out of the way when he saw that truck hurtling toward them. Because that's what older brothers do. They protect. Their father couldn't do it anymore so Clive had to. He had to. The fact he took the hit of the truck is also how it should have been. He was older, bigger, stronger. Joshua never would have survived it. But Clive did.
...Only to wake up in a hospital, alone, told his family was dead except for his mother - and the fact she abandoned him there is almost a blessing - and with no choice but to start over. So he did. He had to. Physical therapy, emotional therapy, foster families, a name change, all of it he endured.
If only he had known.
"I...I feel like I failed you." His voice gives out on the last word and Clive screws his eyes shut while he grips Joshua's shirt tightly. He breathes in deeply and tries again. "I still should have been there."
Clive gives himself a few moments to get his emotions under control before he pulls away a little. "Dion? Dion Lesage?"
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Date: 2023-09-27 05:29 am (UTC)"You didn't fail me, Clive. Ever. If I stand here today, it is first of all because of what you did."
Oh, how he has wished his brother had been there, so much time over the years, missing him a physical pain, a gaping wall of loss, once he remembered. But it was never Clive's fault. Never.
"And you are here now. You lived, brother. Through all these years, you kept going. If anyone can understand how hard that is..." His arms tighten yet a little more. "I'm here. I won't disappear on you again." No one can break them apart again. No one.
He breathes out, softly.
"Yes. Dion Lesage. He started post-graduate study and moved in the apartment next to mine, so I was just saying hi to my new neighbor before either of us could get much of a look at each other. He recognized me first."
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Date: 2023-09-29 11:44 pm (UTC)Well. That only made it seem more real. Of course he was the only survivor. Presumed dead. He never could make sense of that, but with the only family he loved - and who loved him - dead, then really what was the point?
But now, he knows. If only he could have thrown himself out of the way of that truck in time. They could have been together. Life would have been hard, but they would have each other.
Clive's eyes start to well up yet again. All this time has passed, time wherein he was supposed to help guide Joshua in growing up. Commiserating over voice cracks and how frustrating that is. Teasing Joshua about his first crush, even if Clive never really had much experience with that. Taking Joshua out for his first (legal) drink and dealing with any repercussions that might come of it.
He missed that. He missed all of that. Joshua is an adult now with his own apartment and Clive wasn't there to help with anything.
The tears fall again and Clive pulls away to rub his knuckles against his eyes. He can't sit here and feel sorry for himself. Joshua deserves better from his older brother. And the pizza is going to get cold, not that that bothers him. But Joshua was always more picky about food so this might bother him. Clive gestures lazily to the table. "We should eat."
He wipes his eyes again and sniffs, trying to get himself back under control. While he picks a few slices for himself, ignoring Joshua's words about resting his hands again, he continues the conversation. "How lucky. About Dion, I mean. Being your neighbor."
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Date: 2023-09-30 03:13 am (UTC)Joshua hasn't expected that. That his presence might be a source of pain for his brother, rather than joy. It twists something inside of him, the thought that he was selfish, again, to come here because he wanted it, wants it still so much that his entire being hurts at thought of not doing so, without considering what it might be like for Clive.
I am sorry. So sorry...
But he has done it, and he can't take it back.
He manages a smile up at his brother.
"Yes. Please, let's do that."
He waits for Clive to start, to resume the conversation, before picking his own slice and biting into it without hesitation. No carrots in sight, after all, only his appetite suddenly all gone.
But the smile at least gets easier, fond if a little rueful at that last part.
"Extremely lucky for me. I can be here now, thanks to his help. He has been indefatigably helpful and gracias, and I'm afraid I've been little but trouble for him."
Beat.
"Not on purpose! For example, when I first said hi and welcome, he was on the balcony, holding his phone, and he dropped and it broke." A rush to explain, to reassure his brother he didn't grow up into someone who makes trouble for others purposefully.
Like Mother does.
He bites into his slice of pizza, to try to silence that that thought.
At least for tonight.
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Date: 2023-10-01 05:57 am (UTC)And immediately realizes that chewing with an injured cheek is more difficult than talking and he's going to have to take this slowly. Not that he's going to make a big deal out of it; there's already enough for Joshua to worry about today. So he'll take his time and smaller bites and just listen to Joshua talk. His voice is so different, naturally, but still recognizable as his brother and Clive never wants him to stop, as ridiculous as that actually is.
The way Joshua rushes his words to explain himself almost metaphorically knocks Clive over entirely. It's almost difficult to keep up, but he manages, nodding along. "The two of you always got along when we were kids. I hope that hasn't changed much." Not that he suspects Joshua intentionally made Dion break his phone or whatever happened. A lot of time has passed and people can change, but Joshua? Clive wouldn't dare say such a thing.
The other thing he says about Dion grabs Clive's attention. "How has he helped?" Even if Joshua has been 'dead' to Clive's knowledge all this time, he can't help but let instinct take over. If his little brother has needed help, he wants to know what it is.
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Date: 2023-10-01 06:49 am (UTC)The first comment makes him smile, small and a little tired, but very warm.
"We do get along well." He breathes out, slowly. "He's retired Air Force officer. With high clearance. I - after I saw you, I started looking in serious. Eventually, I found that other bar. And that you had been discharged because of it. But, after that, I could find nothing. He used his security clearance and... called in favors, and they found some places that had requested a background check on you. Places where you applied for work. It would probably have taken me a lot longer to find you, without that."
He breathes out slowly, and chews on his pizza for a long moment, but his stomach is turning at the thought of what he's saying next.
"She... Mother. She married Dion's father, after. I hadn't ... I hadn't thought to learn. He's helped while at the same time keeping it... to himself, that we are all alive. You and Jill and I. Including from potential surveillance. As she has apparently done in the past."
Nope, he sets the pizza down for a moment, and reaches for the water, letting the chill of it help settle his stomach.
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Date: 2023-10-01 08:23 am (UTC)Joshua had said earlier that he knew what happened, but between the shock of seeing him again and all the bullshit at the bar, Clive hadn't really gotten a chance to think about it, let alone talk to Joshua. Knowing he was discharged is one thing, but to know about the specific bar means that Joshua knows why he was discharged. Clive looks down, unable to meet his brother's eye. "I..."
His desire to eat is gone now. "I'm...sorry you had to see that." He killed a man. To learn that one's brother is responsible for taking another person's life, regardless of the reason, must be...horrifying. Even if Joshua hasn't made any moves to leave or guilt Clive, he still worries.
So, instead, he just takes a breath and shakes his head. "I know about Mother." And he's had time to...not come to terms with it, but accept that she more than likely had a hand in what happened that night, as well as do it all for money and clout, probably. While Clive had to take time to work through his trauma, at least there was no love lost between him and their mother. One less issue. But she at least pretended to care about Joshua. That betrayal must have stung more for him.
At least it seems that Dion has some shreds of dignity. Finally, he raises his head again. "Dion... Give him my thanks?"
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Date: 2023-10-01 11:54 am (UTC)"I am sorry you had to go throw it. That must be infinitely worse - and not ... not only because of times such as tonight."
Clive had been a soldier. (So had Dion.) In active deployment areas, the possibility that he would have had to, been ordered to, kill people was real. There was a difference, of course there was, and, at the same time, there wasn't.
"You were protecting Jill. Even Dion, when he gave me the file, said that it was a situation in which you shouldn't have been in. Because of the other person, not because of you." He closes his eyes. "His words were that it doesn't make you a bad person."
A small smile. "He didn't need to tell me that, I already knew. But it was reassuring that he could see the same thing." And, Joshua suspects, Clive needs to hear it more than Joshua did, even.
The smile fades, his chin dropping helplessly. "There was... a time. After I glimpsed you. That I thought about... coming out to claim my name properly. It would resolve the issue with finding you, so long as you wanted it." And he believes that Clive would have, eventually. "Then I - I found out that she knew that you lived. And she left you in that hospital. Unclaimed. Alone. And I knew that if I tried to reclaim who I am, she would fight me, every step of the way. And it would be so, so ugly, and nobody, nothing would be left unscarred by it. Especially people who are not at fault at all. So I ... couldn't. I didn't."
More people would die, Joshua is rather certain. Not to protect anyone, but just out of Anabella Lesage's whims.
Choosing that just couldn't be right.
cw: mild sexual assault mention
Date: 2023-10-01 09:42 pm (UTC)His sergeant, Tillmann, was drunk. So was Clive, though. It's what happens in a bar. And there hadn't been anything to worry about. Tillmann might have let his mouth run away with him when he was inebriated, but he always behaved enough so Clive let him be as he went around and flirted. Women flirted with Clive, too, and he even got a couple drinks out of just existing. He made sure to return the favor, as was only decent.
There was a beautiful woman sitting alone in a corner. Clive hadn't noticed her before despite how striking she was. She looked sad, though, but mostly distressed as she gripped her phone tightly while someone sat far too close to her.
Someone. Tillmann. He had noticed her beauty, too.
Clive couldn't hear what he said to her, but he did lean in far too close and paid no attention to her body language, moving to try and take one of her hands repeatedly, despite the woman pulling it back and trying to scoot away every time.
It was wrong and Clive made his way to the table, his gut tangling among itself all the while. The woman looked up at him with wide eyes, fear obvious, worried that Clive was going to hang up on her, too. It made him hate Tillmann, for that moment, something he had never felt toward the other man before.
And...there was something familiar about her...
Leave her alone, Sergeant.
Fuck off, Rich.
You're scaring her.
She's just playin' hard to get.
Tillmann's hands started going places they were most certainly not welcome and the woman tried to get away and looked so desperately toward Clive, the only person who seemed to give a damn about her, and it made him so, so angry that in an entire packed bar, no one cared.
No one cared.
No one tried.
Hr looked at her one more time and that familiarity, that recognition, took hold of him.
Clive had always been bigger and stronger, but also soft-spoken. Tillmann likely never expected to be bodily dragged away or punched or to have his head split open on the corner of a table. To be fair, Clive hadn't expected it either.
Yes, he was protecting Jill. Some might even call him a hero. He doesn't feel like one, not with the cost of a life on his hands, but he knows he would do it again for her. He would do it for Joshua, too, now that he's back in his life. He won't say this, not right now, but he rests one bandaged hand on top of Joshua's.
As for their mother... Clive can't say how conniving she truly is. He never understood her beyond realizing from an early age that she resented his existence. Probably because he looks so much like his father and had a good relationship with him. She clearly hated Elwin, too. And if she went so far as to have her own children killed, then what did it matter? She is...
Evil comes to mind, even though it sounds so cliche.
Clive shakes his head. "We know how she is. Waking a sleeping dragon would be less catastrophic." He gives Joshua's hand a gently squeeze. "Let her be, for now."
T_T
Date: 2023-10-01 10:22 pm (UTC)He squeezes Clive's arm, covered by the bandaged hand, fully aware that, his own willingness to ignore what he wants notwithstanding, pizza will be mostly left over. And it's a decent pizza, he thinks. He can't taste it anymore, right now.
But then Clive focuses on him, with an... approval of his judgment that Joshua was bracing himself to not receive, and it is ... dizzying, for a moment. He blinks, his breathing easier and his shoulders relaxing, though he doesn't quite manage a smile.
"I-- right. Thank you, brother." He takes a deep, deep breath.
"Right. Do you think you can manage a few more bites? Just so your body doesn't additionally rebel against the painkillers? If not, I think it's better if we just call it a night, you really need the rest."
Beat. And, before Clive can go there, because Joshua is pretty sure an attempt will be made,
"You're not taking the couch. Or anything like sleeping on the floor. You need proper rest."
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Date: 2023-10-05 11:08 pm (UTC)He also does need to eat. Clive knows this. His body knows this. His brain, on the other hand, is a piece of shit that makes no sense tonight, so he tries to shove all his thoughts away and take a few more bites. It's difficult work, what with the sudden appetite loss and the pain in his cheek, but he manages to eat one slice. That will have to do until morning, or whenever he wakes up.
It doesn't take much time or effort to put the pizza away and then Clibe is up and heads to his room. There, he pauses. Joshua hasn't said he's staying, but the implications are all there. It won't hurt to offer, anyway. He digs through his drawers and pulls out a shirt and sweatpants that aren't on their last threads, but also shouldn't swamp Joshua entirely. Finding his brother again, he holds the clothes out to him, but also notices more clearly now that Joshua is still way too thin. He won't mention it.
"You may be as tall as me now, but I'm still bigger, so. Hope they're not too big."
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Date: 2023-10-06 04:26 pm (UTC)... then again, it has been a very long night, and they are both really tired. And Joshua is very proud of Clive for the effort to take those last few bites, and then he tries to help with the clean-up, given the state of Clive's hands, but he still doesn't know what goes where, so...
When Clive goes to his bedroom, Joshua leans against a door-frame and checks his phone, even though it is rather late. If Dion has answer, he'll update him that they are at Clive's place, and all is reasonably ok.
He looks up at Clive when he speaks up, for a moment his face showing his wonder, all over again, that he is near his brother. At long, long last. Then he blinks, and takes the offered clothes.
"Thanks. I think... I can manage to sleep in them."
He reaches up to just. Touch Clive's unhurt cheek. "Get some rest."
He will take the couch. Then again, he has less bulk to contort.
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Date: 2023-10-08 09:59 am (UTC)"I'm glad you're here."
There's no rush for him to pull away, but he has to if either of them is going to get some sleep. Clive eventually does, though, and he reaches up to gently ruffle Joshua's hair, offering his brother a little smile. If Joshua gets annoyed by it, well. Clive would understand, but it doesn't stop him.
Then, after a moment of just looking at him, he jerks his head toward his room. "Come to bed when you're ready. I won't make you sleep on the couch, either."
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Date: 2023-10-08 08:38 pm (UTC)"I'm glad, too." Into Clive's shoulder, and he only smiles at the hair ruffle, maybe ducking his head down a little but certainly not away.
He has missed these, too. All the ways of affection.
-- and then Clive follows up with that, and Joshua practically glows with joy. He wouldn't, couldn't, just invite himself into his brother's bed, not the first night (he has done so before, but that was a different time, a different life, and seeking comfort from a thunderstorm or a bad dream had felt... normal. Now it feels... odd. Because he both wants to reassure his brother that he is all right, and to cling to him and seek out and offer the comfort denied them for years), but he won't let his brother wonder whether he wants it or not.
"Thanks, brother. I will."
And he changes quickly, dipping into the bathroom to wash his face and at least rinse his mouth with water - or mouthwash, if Clive has any - before taking a deep breath and going into the bedroom to ... beeline for the bed. And more hugs, his posture as he settles just about identical to when he last snuck into his brother's bed, only with a lot longer limbs.
"I'm here."
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Date: 2023-10-08 09:22 pm (UTC)So he sets his phone on his lamp table next to the bed and crawls in, curling on his right side so as not to disturb his bandaged cheek. It's easy enough to let his eyes fall closed as he waits for Joshua. His brother doesn't keep him waiting for long, though, and as soon as he feels the dip in the bed, Clive holds open an arm so Joshua can fit tucked close.
It's muscle memory more than active thinking on his part, his body kicking in for his already drowsy brain. How many times had they shared a bed like this? After numerous storms and bad dreams and far too many overheard arguments between their parents, it had been just as likely for Joshua to sleep in Clive's bed as it was his own. Sometimes Clive wished his brother would rely on him less, but he never did more than grumble while making room. Those early teenage years are hell on any boy and Clive had been no different. But while he would have liked his space, he knew that Joshua didn't really have anyone else.
And he loves his brother so much.
And then he didn't have him anymore.
He's here now, though, and Clive wraps his arm around Joshua, holding him close. "Hey." This is all so familiar and yet the space of years makes changes so very evident. "I still can't believe how tall you are."
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From:going with clive wakes up to company in the living room, lmk if i should change
From:it's perfect bb
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