Clive nods and accepts this opportunity to sate his curiosity, just like he wanted. He tries not to look too eager, though, wiping his fingers on a napkin so he won't get pizza grease on Joshua's phone.
There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
"Ah..." Joshua's eyes are bright, but his cheeks also feel like burning. "Jote was telling a funny story which ended up with a rather absurd twist, and I couldn't help myself. She did it on purpose." But she knows better than to consider it blackmail material. Or, at least, she did. Things might change, now.
A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
Okay, Jote gets a good mark in his book. Anyone who can bring even an ounce of happiness to his brother is something to whom Clive is grateful. After everything that's happened and the years of being alone, or mostly alone, he wants Joshua to have anything positive. He couldn't have been there, but at least someone else was.
He understands the fear, though, of being found or recognized and doesn't blame Joshua one bit. Clive went through that, too. It's one reason he changed his name as soon as he could. But then he spent most of his time in the army in another country, or on another continent entirely, and slowly the fear quieted. He wasn't a teenager recovering from multiple broken bones and months of therapy, anymore, or trying to come to terms with the horror of losing his family. But while he grew stronger and older and a little more confident, he knows Joshua didn't have the same opportunities to feel safe, or at least less like jumping at shadows. Clive eventually feared their mother less. Joshua simply can't.
But he doesn't bring any of this up. He leans over to bump his shoulder with Joshua's. "Selfies are overrated. And I'm not just saying that because I'm awful at taking them." Giving another smile to Joshua, Clive finally gets up and heads to his room to grab his own phone. When he comes back and opens up his camera roll, he debates just looking for the shots of Jill he has, but then changes his mind. Joshua shared everything with him. Clive will do the same. "Try to ignore the screen crack. It's, uh...a new development."
The first picture happens to be one of him and Jill, though. They're hunched close together, both of them with slight smiles on their faces. Neither of them smile wide normally, anyway. But Joshua will notice that Jill's hair, while still the same color, is much longer than when they were children and her face has lost most of its baby fat, as is to be expected. "She took that one. If I had tried, neither of our faces would be in it." Clive doesn't think he has that many pictures, but compared to Joshua, he does. Granted, as Joshua goes through them, he'll notice random memes or unrelated pics Clive has downloaded sprinkled throughout.
Don't question them, or his sense of humor.
There are some shots of Gav and other coworkers at a bar, in the middle of drinking or telling some story Clive clearly thought was important at one point. A shot of a car in a car park that is not just parked over the line, but infringing on a handicapped spot, to boot. The next is the same, but with Clive's hand in the shot, his index and middle finger up in a rude gesture. A series of shots in a park, some closeups of flowers and tree blooms, as well as a couple of a bird in its nest. A shot taken from a bus window, the glare on the glass obvious, but a rare clear sky over an open field. Also interspersed are some shots of book pages, some full and others cropped. Joshua probably shouldn't read those. Not because they're trashy or anything (maybe), but because they are often pretty sentimental and Clive isn't strong enough today to be teased too much. Some snuck shots of Jill curled up on his couch.
There's a shot of him shirtless in bed, clearly asleep. He reaches over to thumb past it as soon as he can.
But then another series of shots, and these are some of Clive's favorites. There's a white horse at a fence, its head bent down and eating something out of Jill's palm. Her hair is pulled back in a thick braid. The next is of Clive, only he's not feeding the horse, but pressing his forehead against its own, eyes closed and looking peaceful. His hair is a little shorter, but his facial hair thicker. Then a few shots of the horse on its own, farther away in the field. Clive interjects to explain, "Her name is Ambrosia. The horse, I mean. Jill is obviously Jill. She's a rescue."
Then a shot of mugs on a store shelf. Joshua will recognize the moogle design as matching the same mug Gav had utilized earlier.
Pictures of his flat mostly as it appears now. A downloaded picture of their father, one of the professional photos he had, nothing personal. But then Clive lost all access to anything at home after the accident. Pictures of his flat, but without furniture. Clearly, they were taken before the others. A dressing room mirror selfie of Clive in a black button-up shirt, followed by a red button-up shirt. His hair is shorter still, but his face clean-shaven.
Now that Joshua has gotten to the end, he grabs another piece of pizza and slowly starts to chew.
It is that, about the fear, but also more complicated than it, too. While, at first, Joshua's decision was primarily taken out of fear for himself, over the years his resolved has been reinforced by consideration that was more about others. Even aside from the fact that his mother's actions had taken lives, back then, and she had not hesitated to ensure that they would, they had destroyed lives, also. Fake funerals, claiming people dead - children, really who were not.
Including her own son.
And this was when everything worked out quietly, without attention, suspicion, or malice drawn towards her.
If Joshua were to try to reclaim his life, or - better yet - all three of them, the consequences could be devastating for people who never asked for this. He wonders, for example, about the driver of that truck. He had not had enough leads to find out if there had been anyone in there at the time. If they had survived. But chances are, he thinks, that they did not.
Even if not afraid for himself, he knows he has nothing like the knowledge, let alone the stomach, to rise up and 'play' against her, with the stakes she chooses and he can't take away from her, not without many being sacrificed.
Perhaps it is still fear for himself, unchecked by any strength with which to deny it, but he... doesn't think that is all of it.
At least he can get distracted from those thoughts by the pictures.
"Screen is fine by me... until I can maybe help with it. But you don't exactly have to explain, I was there when it happened."
He not only doesn't judge Clive's sense of humor, he actually snorts a time or two, getting and appreciating the humor even if in passing.
But, mostly, his eyes grow bright, happy, and adoring as the pictures go on. They widen, and his smile does, too, at the images and explanation about the horse.
"Ambrosia. She is beautiful." Beet. "She is all right?" Shorter hair means there has been some time since the pictures were taken, but the lack of Clive closing in on himself about them, or obvious grief, suggests the question might be a safe one? And Jill being in these pictures means it wasn't that long ago.
When they are done, and Clive returns to eating, Joshua reaches to squeeze the fingertips of his brother's free hand, above the bandages and hopefully where it won't hurt.
"Thank you, for sharing them." It soothes some of the worry that the conversation earlier has chilled him with. Yes, the life Clive has is not the one they could have, should have had. But it was his own, and it wasn't completely empty. Not of friendship, not of love, not of peace.
And that makes Joshua happy, unhesitatingly so.
He swallows, against the way his heart is swelling, and returns to his own pizza.
"I'll end up asking for the stories of some of those, you realize?"
Clive huffs out a laugh. Right, of course. Joshua was there last night; it doesn't take too many brain cells to piece together why his phone is slightly busted. But it takes Clive a second to realize that Joshua is offering to get his phone fixed. He shakes his head at that comment. "Don't worry about it. It still works fine." There's no need to toss this phone out just yet, and especially no reason to make his little brother shell out his own money.
There are very few people Clive would let go through his phone like this, though, and it does make him feel a little strange even though he trusts Joshua with it. While none of the contents are exactly private - well, except that one of him in bed; he really should delete it like he keeps telling himself to do - they still offer an insight into his life that he doesn't advertise on a daily basis. When he's at work, he's the quiet man who stocks the shelves late at night. Most of the people who come into Cid's shop aren't there to chat with the staff, just come in and get what they need and leave, especially at night. When he takes the bus, he's the quiet man who tries to give everyone else some space. When he goes out to the bar on his own, he's the quiet man who has a couple beers by himself and then leaves. When he's out with Gav or the others, he usually sits quietly by and lets them make fools of themselves or tell stories. It's fine. It's how Clive likes it.
But to be seen and to be known...that's terrifying.
Joshua won't hurt him. He knows this. But it's still just been so long since they last knew anything about each other and fit into each other's lives. He doesn't want to be a disappointment and regardless of what Joshua says, that's a fear that won't go away so easily. Ambrosia, thankfully, is an easy conversation to have. "She's fine. She lost her left eye to an infection. Her previous owner obviously couldn't take care of her. I don't know if he was negligent on purpose, but...she's in better hands now. She can eat all day and wander and not have a care in the world." Frankly, Clive is kind of jealous. Just not about the eye part, obviously.
Feeling Joshua take his fingers, Clive curls them in acknowledgment. "Of course." He may be hesitant to share his privacy with just anyone, but he'll do his best to never show that fear in front of Joshua. "We...may be different people now, but you're still my brother. You'll always be a part of my life and welcome in it." He pauses. "But I reserve the right to not answer any question that makes me look exceptionally stupid."
It's a joke. Mostly. He bumps Joshua's shoulder again just to make that a little more clear. But then he realizes that he has no idea what Joshua's schedule is like. "How long were you planning to be out this way?" Does he have classes or any other urgent responsibilities? Clive doesn't want him to leave any time soon, but he won't hold him back if needs to live his life, too.
Of course the phone works, that is not the point. Joshua wants his brother to be able to find whatever joy he can, and being reminded of last night, and its pain, every time he looks at his phone does not sound like much enjoyment. Or any. (He might be forgetting the fact where the night also brought them back together. But he is unlikely to think himself that much of a treat. Even though, to him, the evening will be unforgettable. Life getting a little more real, a little more right. Incredible, even after years of searching.)
"Oh..." Joshua's entire face lights up as Clive is telling the story of Ambrosia. This is exactly the kind of heroism that he would expect of his brother. "I am glad you are a part of her story now." He is not going to assume just how much Clive did or did not. But a horse that was mistreated getting love and care already is a huge improvement.
And of course Joshua won't hurt him.
His eyes crinkle, soft. "Of course you don't have to answer every question I have. This is about," a small wave of his hand, "rediscovering who we are, not an interrogation. But you will never seem stupid to me, and absolutely never 'exceptionally' stupid." It has to be said. And Joshua is absolutely sincere about it, too. It's utterly unthinkable.
He ducks his head slightly.
"A couple of days. I can probably stretch it a bit more, if you will let me properly chip in for stuff." He knows the cab and the pizza were one thing, but he's seen enough to be able to guess that Clive won't take easily to Joshua just taking over feeding them while he's here, for all it'll be less of a strain on him. But he also doesn't want to leave Clive alone while he's recovering, even if, demonstrably, he won't be actually left to fend for himself.
"I tend to stay ahead of deadlines, and little actually requires me to be present. I don't actually teach or anything like that." So he's flexible.
Clive shrugs. "I don't do much for Ambrosia. I just visit her sometimes." Mostly with Jill, but he'll make the trip out to that location on his own, too. "I wasn't the one who rescued her. I just like horses." Surely Joshua remembers that from their childhood, even if Clive never made a huge deal about his interests. It was difficult, with their mother practically breathing down his neck and scoffing at anything frivolous that caught his eye. In hindsight, he wonders how she let him get away with playing football. Their father probably intervened.
He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
"Clive." Softly. "You love her. That is already a lot." Yes, he remembers, but also... this is important to point out. He hasn't had much of a chance to be anywhere near horses since back then, but he knows enough. She is happy near him. For an animal that was neglected, that makes all the difference in the world.
The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
Oh. Home-cooked food sounds...incredible, actually, regardless of who's making it. Certainly beats the instant meals he usually relies on.
Though they have served him well enough, as well as things like this pizza and other deliveries, even if they get expensive. But the more he thinks about this new option, the more his old resolve falters.
Who knew he was so easy to wear down?
Sighing, he rubs a hand over his face. "I changed my mind. You're not allowed to leave." He's not serious at all; Joshua has his own life and Clive won't interfere with that.
On the one hand, the eagerness is endearing. But then Joshua was always like that. It might have been one of the reasons the two of them hardly ever got into fights as children, along with them simply needing each other to stay sane in the face of their mother. But on the other hand, would Joshua really drop everything if Clive said he wanted him to cook something as inane as stew? Joshua. That's ridiculous.
"Do I really look that hopeless?" A pause, as he considers his bandaged face and hands, and small, shitty flat in the bad part of town. "Don't answer that." He straightens up in his chair again and slowly finishes another piece of pizza. His face still hurts, but either he's getting used to it or the painkillers are kicking in.
"But..." Clive reaches over to give Joshua's shoulder a little squeeze. "Thank you." His voice falls to a softer tone. "For everything."
Clive's eyes widen a little, taken somewhat aback at the outburst. "It's all right." He gives Joshua's shoulder a firmer squeeze. "I know my situation." As much as he doesn't like it, for the most part. "It just isn't often that others worry about me, so..."
But the longer he sits, the stiffer he can feel his body getting after last night's nonsense. Clive stands up and leans against the table, giving his legs a chance to stretch out, and rolls his shoulders and neck a few times. The bruises on his back twinge and he knows they're going to be a nuisance for at least a few days.
Clive lets his head fall back as he studies the ceiling for a few moments. "Where do we even start? It's been twenty years." Twenty years is a long time, even if it sometimes feels like yesterday since he last saw Joshua.
...Okay, yes, that's literally the case now. but before that.
But so much has changed. Their love for each other hasn't, of course, which is a huge relief to Clive, but they simply can't jump back in like nothing happened. He looks down at one of his hands as his fingers draw invisible shapes on the table. "Between the accident and...and what I did, I guess I'm afraid of tripping over anything that could truly upset you. That's the last thing I want."
Joshua will scoot closer, chair and all, and will wrap his arms carefully around Clive and lean his head against his chest.
"The accident, there is nothing at all for me to be upset with you about. What you did... I have had a lot of time to think about. And I don't know if I would have done any better." He may not have the strength to do it himself. But he has... used his words to make people hurt themselves, when he was angry.
He would rather not mention it just now. But the words he did say are not hesitant.
"And we can start anywhere. There is so much to fill in, starting somewhere seems better than trying to find the perfect place to start. So I guess I jumped to, this I can do and it will be nice for both of us. As to what would upset me, some things you are obviously clear from. If you'd refused to want to have anything to do with me, that would have upset me. If you had become needlessly cruel, that would have upset me. If I hurt you, that would also upset me. Outside those things, I'd say you're pretty safe. But I'd guess it'll take time for that to make sense."
It'll take for Clive to be able to trust him. And trust himself with him.
Joshua's arms wrap around him and Clive's body moves in answer without a thought, holding his brother close and tight. It's still...strange to know that someone else close to him is aware of what happened and hasn't pulled away in disappointment or anger or fear. He gives Joshua a quick squeeze. "I hope you never have to find out for yourself. It's..."
Clive trails off, unsure how to describe how it feels to see life in a man's eyes one second, then one awful crack of a skull later, anything but life. Realistically, there probably isn't a word that fits.
"It's horrible."
What is also horrible are all these hypotheticals that Joshua presents. Clive finds himself shaking his head at all of them before speaking again, his voice quiet. "I missed you, Joshua. I missed you terribly."
Joshua is already raw, all opened up from what he spoke of, the possibilities in which he would get upset, because certain as his voice may sound, all of those are honest and revealing, showing himself without reservation, something he rarely does. So Clive's words, all of them, hit hard, and he can't help but muffle a small sob against his brother's chest. Not even properly starting to cry, but reacting all the same.
"Missed you, too, but I'm here now. You're here. And ... I believe you." Proof enough of Joshua's trust, too, that Clive would find the experience horrible. "Let's ... neither of us do that in the future, hmm?"
It's the best he can come up with. He can't help by taking away the past, or alleviating the pain. It's only the present and the future that he can help with, or at least try.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-11-14 06:05 am (UTC)There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-14 01:05 pm (UTC)A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-15 08:28 am (UTC)He understands the fear, though, of being found or recognized and doesn't blame Joshua one bit. Clive went through that, too. It's one reason he changed his name as soon as he could. But then he spent most of his time in the army in another country, or on another continent entirely, and slowly the fear quieted. He wasn't a teenager recovering from multiple broken bones and months of therapy, anymore, or trying to come to terms with the horror of losing his family. But while he grew stronger and older and a little more confident, he knows Joshua didn't have the same opportunities to feel safe, or at least less like jumping at shadows. Clive eventually feared their mother less. Joshua simply can't.
But he doesn't bring any of this up. He leans over to bump his shoulder with Joshua's. "Selfies are overrated. And I'm not just saying that because I'm awful at taking them." Giving another smile to Joshua, Clive finally gets up and heads to his room to grab his own phone. When he comes back and opens up his camera roll, he debates just looking for the shots of Jill he has, but then changes his mind. Joshua shared everything with him. Clive will do the same. "Try to ignore the screen crack. It's, uh...a new development."
The first picture happens to be one of him and Jill, though. They're hunched close together, both of them with slight smiles on their faces. Neither of them smile wide normally, anyway. But Joshua will notice that Jill's hair, while still the same color, is much longer than when they were children and her face has lost most of its baby fat, as is to be expected. "She took that one. If I had tried, neither of our faces would be in it." Clive doesn't think he has that many pictures, but compared to Joshua, he does. Granted, as Joshua goes through them, he'll notice random memes or unrelated pics Clive has downloaded sprinkled throughout.
Don't question them, or his sense of humor.
There are some shots of Gav and other coworkers at a bar, in the middle of drinking or telling some story Clive clearly thought was important at one point. A shot of a car in a car park that is not just parked over the line, but infringing on a handicapped spot, to boot. The next is the same, but with Clive's hand in the shot, his index and middle finger up in a rude gesture. A series of shots in a park, some closeups of flowers and tree blooms, as well as a couple of a bird in its nest. A shot taken from a bus window, the glare on the glass obvious, but a rare clear sky over an open field. Also interspersed are some shots of book pages, some full and others cropped. Joshua probably shouldn't read those. Not because they're trashy or anything (maybe), but because they are often pretty sentimental and Clive isn't strong enough today to be teased too much. Some snuck shots of Jill curled up on his couch.
There's a shot of him shirtless in bed, clearly asleep. He reaches over to thumb past it as soon as he can.
But then another series of shots, and these are some of Clive's favorites. There's a white horse at a fence, its head bent down and eating something out of Jill's palm. Her hair is pulled back in a thick braid. The next is of Clive, only he's not feeding the horse, but pressing his forehead against its own, eyes closed and looking peaceful. His hair is a little shorter, but his facial hair thicker. Then a few shots of the horse on its own, farther away in the field. Clive interjects to explain, "Her name is Ambrosia. The horse, I mean. Jill is obviously Jill. She's a rescue."
Then a shot of mugs on a store shelf. Joshua will recognize the moogle design as matching the same mug Gav had utilized earlier.
Pictures of his flat mostly as it appears now. A downloaded picture of their father, one of the professional photos he had, nothing personal. But then Clive lost all access to anything at home after the accident. Pictures of his flat, but without furniture. Clearly, they were taken before the others. A dressing room mirror selfie of Clive in a black button-up shirt, followed by a red button-up shirt. His hair is shorter still, but his face clean-shaven.
Now that Joshua has gotten to the end, he grabs another piece of pizza and slowly starts to chew.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-18 09:05 pm (UTC)Including her own son.
And this was when everything worked out quietly, without attention, suspicion, or malice drawn towards her.
If Joshua were to try to reclaim his life, or - better yet - all three of them, the consequences could be devastating for people who never asked for this. He wonders, for example, about the driver of that truck. He had not had enough leads to find out if there had been anyone in there at the time. If they had survived. But chances are, he thinks, that they did not.
Even if not afraid for himself, he knows he has nothing like the knowledge, let alone the stomach, to rise up and 'play' against her, with the stakes she chooses and he can't take away from her, not without many being sacrificed.
Perhaps it is still fear for himself, unchecked by any strength with which to deny it, but he... doesn't think that is all of it.
At least he can get distracted from those thoughts by the pictures.
"Screen is fine by me... until I can maybe help with it. But you don't exactly have to explain, I was there when it happened."
He not only doesn't judge Clive's sense of humor, he actually snorts a time or two, getting and appreciating the humor even if in passing.
But, mostly, his eyes grow bright, happy, and adoring as the pictures go on. They widen, and his smile does, too, at the images and explanation about the horse.
"Ambrosia. She is beautiful." Beet. "She is all right?" Shorter hair means there has been some time since the pictures were taken, but the lack of Clive closing in on himself about them, or obvious grief, suggests the question might be a safe one? And Jill being in these pictures means it wasn't that long ago.
When they are done, and Clive returns to eating, Joshua reaches to squeeze the fingertips of his brother's free hand, above the bandages and hopefully where it won't hurt.
"Thank you, for sharing them." It soothes some of the worry that the conversation earlier has chilled him with. Yes, the life Clive has is not the one they could have, should have had. But it was his own, and it wasn't completely empty. Not of friendship, not of love, not of peace.
And that makes Joshua happy, unhesitatingly so.
He swallows, against the way his heart is swelling, and returns to his own pizza.
"I'll end up asking for the stories of some of those, you realize?"
Not right now. But eventually.
His eyes crinkle.
"And you can ask about anything, of course."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-20 06:13 am (UTC)There are very few people Clive would let go through his phone like this, though, and it does make him feel a little strange even though he trusts Joshua with it. While none of the contents are exactly private - well, except that one of him in bed; he really should delete it like he keeps telling himself to do - they still offer an insight into his life that he doesn't advertise on a daily basis. When he's at work, he's the quiet man who stocks the shelves late at night. Most of the people who come into Cid's shop aren't there to chat with the staff, just come in and get what they need and leave, especially at night. When he takes the bus, he's the quiet man who tries to give everyone else some space. When he goes out to the bar on his own, he's the quiet man who has a couple beers by himself and then leaves. When he's out with Gav or the others, he usually sits quietly by and lets them make fools of themselves or tell stories. It's fine. It's how Clive likes it.
But to be seen and to be known...that's terrifying.
Joshua won't hurt him. He knows this. But it's still just been so long since they last knew anything about each other and fit into each other's lives. He doesn't want to be a disappointment and regardless of what Joshua says, that's a fear that won't go away so easily. Ambrosia, thankfully, is an easy conversation to have. "She's fine. She lost her left eye to an infection. Her previous owner obviously couldn't take care of her. I don't know if he was negligent on purpose, but...she's in better hands now. She can eat all day and wander and not have a care in the world." Frankly, Clive is kind of jealous. Just not about the eye part, obviously.
Feeling Joshua take his fingers, Clive curls them in acknowledgment. "Of course." He may be hesitant to share his privacy with just anyone, but he'll do his best to never show that fear in front of Joshua. "We...may be different people now, but you're still my brother. You'll always be a part of my life and welcome in it." He pauses. "But I reserve the right to not answer any question that makes me look exceptionally stupid."
It's a joke. Mostly. He bumps Joshua's shoulder again just to make that a little more clear. But then he realizes that he has no idea what Joshua's schedule is like. "How long were you planning to be out this way?" Does he have classes or any other urgent responsibilities? Clive doesn't want him to leave any time soon, but he won't hold him back if needs to live his life, too.
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Date: 2023-11-20 08:41 pm (UTC)"Oh..." Joshua's entire face lights up as Clive is telling the story of Ambrosia. This is exactly the kind of heroism that he would expect of his brother. "I am glad you are a part of her story now." He is not going to assume just how much Clive did or did not. But a horse that was mistreated getting love and care already is a huge improvement.
And of course Joshua won't hurt him.
His eyes crinkle, soft. "Of course you don't have to answer every question I have. This is about," a small wave of his hand, "rediscovering who we are, not an interrogation. But you will never seem stupid to me, and absolutely never 'exceptionally' stupid." It has to be said. And Joshua is absolutely sincere about it, too. It's utterly unthinkable.
He ducks his head slightly.
"A couple of days. I can probably stretch it a bit more, if you will let me properly chip in for stuff." He knows the cab and the pizza were one thing, but he's seen enough to be able to guess that Clive won't take easily to Joshua just taking over feeding them while he's here, for all it'll be less of a strain on him. But he also doesn't want to leave Clive alone while he's recovering, even if, demonstrably, he won't be actually left to fend for himself.
"I tend to stay ahead of deadlines, and little actually requires me to be present. I don't actually teach or anything like that." So he's flexible.
Well.
His free time is.
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Date: 2023-11-21 08:51 am (UTC)He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
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Date: 2023-11-21 11:11 am (UTC)The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
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Date: 2023-11-21 10:22 pm (UTC)Though they have served him well enough, as well as things like this pizza and other deliveries, even if they get expensive. But the more he thinks about this new option, the more his old resolve falters.
Who knew he was so easy to wear down?
Sighing, he rubs a hand over his face. "I changed my mind. You're not allowed to leave." He's not serious at all; Joshua has his own life and Clive won't interfere with that.
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Date: 2023-11-21 10:47 pm (UTC)Joshua's smile only softens.
"I won't ever really leave. And I can pop in and cook with only, like, a couple of hours of warning."
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Date: 2023-11-22 07:55 am (UTC)"Do I really look that hopeless?" A pause, as he considers his bandaged face and hands, and small, shitty flat in the bad part of town. "Don't answer that." He straightens up in his chair again and slowly finishes another piece of pizza. His face still hurts, but either he's getting used to it or the painkillers are kicking in.
"But..." Clive reaches over to give Joshua's shoulder a little squeeze. "Thank you." His voice falls to a softer tone. "For everything."
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Date: 2023-11-22 08:16 am (UTC)Joshua straightens up, alarmed, only easing down into his slouch with the hand on his shoulder, but even then gives a pout, if a small one.
"I just want to help us catch up."
They have years and years and years of missing each other and not having a chance to do nice things for each other or just spend time together.
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Date: 2023-11-22 10:32 am (UTC)But the longer he sits, the stiffer he can feel his body getting after last night's nonsense. Clive stands up and leans against the table, giving his legs a chance to stretch out, and rolls his shoulders and neck a few times. The bruises on his back twinge and he knows they're going to be a nuisance for at least a few days.
Clive lets his head fall back as he studies the ceiling for a few moments. "Where do we even start? It's been twenty years." Twenty years is a long time, even if it sometimes feels like yesterday since he last saw Joshua.
...Okay, yes, that's literally the case now. but before that.
But so much has changed. Their love for each other hasn't, of course, which is a huge relief to Clive, but they simply can't jump back in like nothing happened. He looks down at one of his hands as his fingers draw invisible shapes on the table. "Between the accident and...and what I did, I guess I'm afraid of tripping over anything that could truly upset you. That's the last thing I want."
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Date: 2023-11-22 12:31 pm (UTC)"The accident, there is nothing at all for me to be upset with you about. What you did... I have had a lot of time to think about. And I don't know if I would have done any better." He may not have the strength to do it himself. But he has... used his words to make people hurt themselves, when he was angry.
He would rather not mention it just now. But the words he did say are not hesitant.
"And we can start anywhere. There is so much to fill in, starting somewhere seems better than trying to find the perfect place to start. So I guess I jumped to, this I can do and it will be nice for both of us. As to what would upset me, some things you are obviously clear from. If you'd refused to want to have anything to do with me, that would have upset me. If you had become needlessly cruel, that would have upset me. If I hurt you, that would also upset me. Outside those things, I'd say you're pretty safe. But I'd guess it'll take time for that to make sense."
It'll take for Clive to be able to trust him. And trust himself with him.
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Date: 2023-11-24 10:38 pm (UTC)Clive trails off, unsure how to describe how it feels to see life in a man's eyes one second, then one awful crack of a skull later, anything but life. Realistically, there probably isn't a word that fits.
"It's horrible."
What is also horrible are all these hypotheticals that Joshua presents. Clive finds himself shaking his head at all of them before speaking again, his voice quiet. "I missed you, Joshua. I missed you terribly."
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Date: 2023-11-25 07:41 pm (UTC)"Missed you, too, but I'm here now. You're here. And ... I believe you." Proof enough of Joshua's trust, too, that Clive would find the experience horrible. "Let's ... neither of us do that in the future, hmm?"
It's the best he can come up with. He can't help by taking away the past, or alleviating the pain. It's only the present and the future that he can help with, or at least try.
And he'll try.