Clive shrugs. "I don't do much for Ambrosia. I just visit her sometimes." Mostly with Jill, but he'll make the trip out to that location on his own, too. "I wasn't the one who rescued her. I just like horses." Surely Joshua remembers that from their childhood, even if Clive never made a huge deal about his interests. It was difficult, with their mother practically breathing down his neck and scoffing at anything frivolous that caught his eye. In hindsight, he wonders how she let him get away with playing football. Their father probably intervened.
He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
"Clive." Softly. "You love her. That is already a lot." Yes, he remembers, but also... this is important to point out. He hasn't had much of a chance to be anywhere near horses since back then, but he knows enough. She is happy near him. For an animal that was neglected, that makes all the difference in the world.
The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
Oh. Home-cooked food sounds...incredible, actually, regardless of who's making it. Certainly beats the instant meals he usually relies on.
Though they have served him well enough, as well as things like this pizza and other deliveries, even if they get expensive. But the more he thinks about this new option, the more his old resolve falters.
Who knew he was so easy to wear down?
Sighing, he rubs a hand over his face. "I changed my mind. You're not allowed to leave." He's not serious at all; Joshua has his own life and Clive won't interfere with that.
On the one hand, the eagerness is endearing. But then Joshua was always like that. It might have been one of the reasons the two of them hardly ever got into fights as children, along with them simply needing each other to stay sane in the face of their mother. But on the other hand, would Joshua really drop everything if Clive said he wanted him to cook something as inane as stew? Joshua. That's ridiculous.
"Do I really look that hopeless?" A pause, as he considers his bandaged face and hands, and small, shitty flat in the bad part of town. "Don't answer that." He straightens up in his chair again and slowly finishes another piece of pizza. His face still hurts, but either he's getting used to it or the painkillers are kicking in.
"But..." Clive reaches over to give Joshua's shoulder a little squeeze. "Thank you." His voice falls to a softer tone. "For everything."
Clive's eyes widen a little, taken somewhat aback at the outburst. "It's all right." He gives Joshua's shoulder a firmer squeeze. "I know my situation." As much as he doesn't like it, for the most part. "It just isn't often that others worry about me, so..."
But the longer he sits, the stiffer he can feel his body getting after last night's nonsense. Clive stands up and leans against the table, giving his legs a chance to stretch out, and rolls his shoulders and neck a few times. The bruises on his back twinge and he knows they're going to be a nuisance for at least a few days.
Clive lets his head fall back as he studies the ceiling for a few moments. "Where do we even start? It's been twenty years." Twenty years is a long time, even if it sometimes feels like yesterday since he last saw Joshua.
...Okay, yes, that's literally the case now. but before that.
But so much has changed. Their love for each other hasn't, of course, which is a huge relief to Clive, but they simply can't jump back in like nothing happened. He looks down at one of his hands as his fingers draw invisible shapes on the table. "Between the accident and...and what I did, I guess I'm afraid of tripping over anything that could truly upset you. That's the last thing I want."
Joshua will scoot closer, chair and all, and will wrap his arms carefully around Clive and lean his head against his chest.
"The accident, there is nothing at all for me to be upset with you about. What you did... I have had a lot of time to think about. And I don't know if I would have done any better." He may not have the strength to do it himself. But he has... used his words to make people hurt themselves, when he was angry.
He would rather not mention it just now. But the words he did say are not hesitant.
"And we can start anywhere. There is so much to fill in, starting somewhere seems better than trying to find the perfect place to start. So I guess I jumped to, this I can do and it will be nice for both of us. As to what would upset me, some things you are obviously clear from. If you'd refused to want to have anything to do with me, that would have upset me. If you had become needlessly cruel, that would have upset me. If I hurt you, that would also upset me. Outside those things, I'd say you're pretty safe. But I'd guess it'll take time for that to make sense."
It'll take for Clive to be able to trust him. And trust himself with him.
Joshua's arms wrap around him and Clive's body moves in answer without a thought, holding his brother close and tight. It's still...strange to know that someone else close to him is aware of what happened and hasn't pulled away in disappointment or anger or fear. He gives Joshua a quick squeeze. "I hope you never have to find out for yourself. It's..."
Clive trails off, unsure how to describe how it feels to see life in a man's eyes one second, then one awful crack of a skull later, anything but life. Realistically, there probably isn't a word that fits.
"It's horrible."
What is also horrible are all these hypotheticals that Joshua presents. Clive finds himself shaking his head at all of them before speaking again, his voice quiet. "I missed you, Joshua. I missed you terribly."
Joshua is already raw, all opened up from what he spoke of, the possibilities in which he would get upset, because certain as his voice may sound, all of those are honest and revealing, showing himself without reservation, something he rarely does. So Clive's words, all of them, hit hard, and he can't help but muffle a small sob against his brother's chest. Not even properly starting to cry, but reacting all the same.
"Missed you, too, but I'm here now. You're here. And ... I believe you." Proof enough of Joshua's trust, too, that Clive would find the experience horrible. "Let's ... neither of us do that in the future, hmm?"
It's the best he can come up with. He can't help by taking away the past, or alleviating the pain. It's only the present and the future that he can help with, or at least try.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 08:51 am (UTC)He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 11:11 am (UTC)The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 10:22 pm (UTC)Though they have served him well enough, as well as things like this pizza and other deliveries, even if they get expensive. But the more he thinks about this new option, the more his old resolve falters.
Who knew he was so easy to wear down?
Sighing, he rubs a hand over his face. "I changed my mind. You're not allowed to leave." He's not serious at all; Joshua has his own life and Clive won't interfere with that.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-21 10:47 pm (UTC)Joshua's smile only softens.
"I won't ever really leave. And I can pop in and cook with only, like, a couple of hours of warning."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-22 07:55 am (UTC)"Do I really look that hopeless?" A pause, as he considers his bandaged face and hands, and small, shitty flat in the bad part of town. "Don't answer that." He straightens up in his chair again and slowly finishes another piece of pizza. His face still hurts, but either he's getting used to it or the painkillers are kicking in.
"But..." Clive reaches over to give Joshua's shoulder a little squeeze. "Thank you." His voice falls to a softer tone. "For everything."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-22 08:16 am (UTC)Joshua straightens up, alarmed, only easing down into his slouch with the hand on his shoulder, but even then gives a pout, if a small one.
"I just want to help us catch up."
They have years and years and years of missing each other and not having a chance to do nice things for each other or just spend time together.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-22 10:32 am (UTC)But the longer he sits, the stiffer he can feel his body getting after last night's nonsense. Clive stands up and leans against the table, giving his legs a chance to stretch out, and rolls his shoulders and neck a few times. The bruises on his back twinge and he knows they're going to be a nuisance for at least a few days.
Clive lets his head fall back as he studies the ceiling for a few moments. "Where do we even start? It's been twenty years." Twenty years is a long time, even if it sometimes feels like yesterday since he last saw Joshua.
...Okay, yes, that's literally the case now. but before that.
But so much has changed. Their love for each other hasn't, of course, which is a huge relief to Clive, but they simply can't jump back in like nothing happened. He looks down at one of his hands as his fingers draw invisible shapes on the table. "Between the accident and...and what I did, I guess I'm afraid of tripping over anything that could truly upset you. That's the last thing I want."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-22 12:31 pm (UTC)"The accident, there is nothing at all for me to be upset with you about. What you did... I have had a lot of time to think about. And I don't know if I would have done any better." He may not have the strength to do it himself. But he has... used his words to make people hurt themselves, when he was angry.
He would rather not mention it just now. But the words he did say are not hesitant.
"And we can start anywhere. There is so much to fill in, starting somewhere seems better than trying to find the perfect place to start. So I guess I jumped to, this I can do and it will be nice for both of us. As to what would upset me, some things you are obviously clear from. If you'd refused to want to have anything to do with me, that would have upset me. If you had become needlessly cruel, that would have upset me. If I hurt you, that would also upset me. Outside those things, I'd say you're pretty safe. But I'd guess it'll take time for that to make sense."
It'll take for Clive to be able to trust him. And trust himself with him.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-24 10:38 pm (UTC)Clive trails off, unsure how to describe how it feels to see life in a man's eyes one second, then one awful crack of a skull later, anything but life. Realistically, there probably isn't a word that fits.
"It's horrible."
What is also horrible are all these hypotheticals that Joshua presents. Clive finds himself shaking his head at all of them before speaking again, his voice quiet. "I missed you, Joshua. I missed you terribly."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-25 07:41 pm (UTC)"Missed you, too, but I'm here now. You're here. And ... I believe you." Proof enough of Joshua's trust, too, that Clive would find the experience horrible. "Let's ... neither of us do that in the future, hmm?"
It's the best he can come up with. He can't help by taking away the past, or alleviating the pain. It's only the present and the future that he can help with, or at least try.
And he'll try.