Joshua's eyes cross for a moment as he follows the finger tapping his nose, but then he focuses on Clive again, listening attentively. His eyebrows twitch slightly, but there isn't any visible sign of upset, because that's not what he's feeling. Instead, his mind is whirling trying to figure the situation out.
Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
Joshua...doesn't react the way Clive expects. The smile, for starters, takes him by surprise. Yes, he tried to make his feelings palatable, however honest, but he doesn't think it was a happy statement. He's being harsh to himself. Shouldn't Joshua be angry with him?
Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
"I should have been there for you," he says, voice soft and quiet, almost afraid to admit. "I wasn't. I'm...I'm so sorry." It's something neither of them can change. Obviously. And Clive knows this, but while they're being honest, it just feels right to say it. If he keeps all of his regrets stored away inside of him, then they'll slowly eat away at him until there's nothing left.
Clive already feels paper-thin some days.
Still, he listens, even though it's difficult to hear how Joshua struggled. He really should have been there. Even if Clive in those following few years barely had an idea how to move forward, he should have been a rock for his little brother. Joshua probably would have served as an anchor for him in return.
But, again, they can't change any of that.
Clive takes a breath and swallows back the pain. Because this all hurts so much and Joshua's sudden reappearance in his life, while so wonderful and truly a blessing, also tears at old wounds. It's not Joshua's fault. It's no one's fault.
"I'm here now. I'm going to try to...exist...better." Whatever that means.
The reminder of the pizza's existence causes his stomach to growl and Clive presses a hand to it, as if that will retroactively silence it. "Right. I am starving." Time for round two. Clive claims a piece and, as he realized last night, trying to chew with a fucked up cheek is a lot harder than it has any right to be. He groans a little, despite slowly chewing, and ends up propping his forehead on his hand while he makes this effort.
Not long after, someone knocks on the door, but just long enough to announce their presence. Gav lets himself in again and beelines for the table. "Well, don't you look a sorry sight, Clint. Hey, again, Joshua!" Clive looks up and just stares at Gav, but then puts down the pizza and holds out his hand for the medication. Gav hands it over. "Right. The usual applies. No drinkin' alcohol, but do eat food with it. Once every six hours or some shite. You can read the fine print."
Pretty typical for painkillers. Clive will manage just fine. "Thanks, Gav. What do I owe you?" He opens the package and then the bottle, immediately taking the first dose.
Gav shakes his head. "Just get better, brother." That's...too generous. Clive sighs and points to the pizza and looks decisively at Gav. He tries to wave Clive off, but when he doesn't relent, Gav laughs a little. "All right, all right, if you insist. Just one for the road, eh?" He grabs a piece, holds it up in a salute, then sees himself out, the little apartment falling quiet once again.
Joshua takes a breath to tell him that there is nothing to apologize for, but it catches helplessly, and instead, he murmurs, "you could not have been. But ... but I wished you were there, when I remembered." His hand clenches a little in Clive's t-shirt. "And so, more properly. I forgive you. And I hope, once we settle down a bit, you can forgive yourself, too."
He knows that things are sometimes not possible, and one doesn't have to apologize for them, but he also knows that, sometimes, the guilt is there, anyway. So, perhaps, hearing the forgiveness will help ease that.
Then he grins, stepping back so they can both focus on the pizza, and when Gav bursts in again, he grins, and manages an earnest, "thank you, Gav," in edgewise before the blond is out the door again. A head-tilt towards Clive.
"Do you start them now, since you're already having food, are you doing the noon-six-midnight-six which is easy to remember?"
The words fall around him and over him and try to seep into his skin. Clive hopes they'll stick. So much of his life has been spent shedding words off his back like a duck rolls off water. He's had to. From the hurtful things their mother uttered in his presence so often to the hard words thrown at him to mold him into a soldier, Clive simply couldn't take things to heart. If he did, he would have crumbled ages ago.
It's why he's so awful at accepting compliments, too, though he knows the difference. It's just difficult, like everything else. He also knows that Joshua is well-meaning so he won't say anything else. He won't brush him off. He just...has to relearn how to be an older brother.
He wants to forgive himself. He wants to be able to look at his reflection or Jill or now Joshua and not be weighed down by guilt, by how he didn't do enough or he did too much.
But Clive is able to get through his daily life without much trouble, or too much adapting. His nerves today are wrecked, not least of all by Joshua's sudden reappearance, but Cid and Gav's surprise house call. But he breathes and gives the medicine bottle a quick shake, the remaining pills clicking together satisfyingly. "Already ahead of you. I don't have much of a pain tolerance today." No waiting around when he doesn't need to.
Another attempt is made to eat and it still hurts, but his hunger prevails this time. There is still so much he doesn't know, though. "Where are you living now?"
This is why Joshua is making no demands, or even requests. It's a hope, he knows how difficult it is to forgive oneself - much more so than forgiving others.
But if Clive can do it, his life will be easier, even if nothing physically changes. So, yes, he will hope and support and help, do as much as he can for his part. And, perhaps, one day things will get better. For Clive. (For both of them.)
He settles, chewing on a piece of pizza himself.
"Not very far, actually, though a couple of towns over, near my university - my being where I have my Ph.D. almost done, and technically work. It seemed prudent to stay close, even if I sometimes have to travel for the sake of research. An apartment, on my own, though Jote shows up pretty regularly. And now Dion, who moved in next door - which is how we met again." Happenstance that Joshua is extremely grateful for.
"... Jote was in the orphanage where I ended up. But later on it turned out she's a distant cousin, too. Four years younger than me. I think she'll be happy, to have more family. When you're ready to brave a lot of energy all at once."
He remembers Dion's look when she'd shown up, he'd been amused but trying to keep up, and Clive was lower energy yet. Might as well give warning.
The answer to Clive's question is given and he breathes out a laugh. "So close..." And yet he's gone through these last few years still thinking Joshua dead. They could have reunited sooner and saved each other the despair. Clive keeps that to himself, though; he knows Joshua would tell him it wasn't his fault, they were both trying not to be found, et cetera. But...still. Clive could hop on a bus and it wouldn't be an inconvenience to do so.
Joshua continues, however, and Clive gives him the time and the space for it, still gingerly eating. It's a lot to take in, hearing how Joshua is really making something of himself, and then discovering yet another long-lost family member. It almost sounds impossible, but Clive knows Joshua wouldn't make this up, none of it. He runs his fingertips through his hair and lets out a breath. "My brother, a doctor. You always were smarter. What are you researching?"
As for this Jote... "I would like to meet her, just..." He points to the bandage on his face, as if it isn't the biggest distraction in the room, second only to Joshua and Clive existing in the same space again. "When this is healed enough. I'd prefer to be marginally cordial when making an impression on someone." And if she is as high-energy as Joshua makes her out to be, then she really shouldn't meet Clive in his current state.
"Well... neither of us is exactly keen on being much in public, let alone in the public eye. Or social media. So close, and now close enough."
He nudges Clive's knee with his own, gently. It's all right. Or... at least, it will be all right.
Although the next words make Joshua blink, and his cheeks heat up a little. "I wouldn't say smarter, I just had fewer distractions." It's harder to focus on studying and thinking alone when you have so much to do. While when staying home sick, the options are much more limited. "And even fewer for a while, so I got into the habit." He breathes out, then grins.
"And don't worry, if anything, Jote is used to me being ill and not really likely to spend time with anyone." His expression turns less amused, but remains fond. "I think she will be happy to have more family. She spent the beginning of her life without anyone. She's great at fighting, really."
Oh... so Jote and Dion and Clive can all fight... with varying willingness, of course. That is a slightly amusing thought, with only a twitch of bitterness that he can never be as active as them. He swallows it down easily with the next bite of pizza.
"But there is no rush. For anything. I just wanted to get to you as soon as I knew where."
Less time in the nightmare of thinking more was lost than truly was.
Clive lets that subject drop for now. No use arguing over something they can't change, even if it will eat at him for some time, he's sure. This is just how Clive is, he knows this about himself, but it's not something so easily changed. But he nods at Joshua, at the behest of that knee nudge, and vows to try. There is so much he has to try now.
Then there's the reminder of Joshua's illness and Clive hates that, too. There is always something bearing over them, isn't there? Bitterly, Clive inwardly curses the universe that has kept their reunion from being as happy as it should be. Things are already shitty enough. Clive keeps this to himself, as well, though, and just chews slowly before asking, "You...still get sick pretty often, then?" He remembers the inhaler Joshua carries, which should be answer enough, but he wants to know for certain.
Jote, on the other hand, sounds like a handful. That's probably a good companion for Joshua to have, just so he doesn't risk falling into melancholy or something. Is he at risk of that? Fuck, Clive doesn't know. He'll have to ask Jote when they finally meet. Though now he fears he may end up asking so many questions it'll feel like an interrogation. Wouldn't that be an impression? Clive breathes out and runs his fingers through his hair. "Like I said, I want to meet her. As long as I'm not at risk of her fighting me."
Joshua makes a so-so gesture with his hand at the first question. "I haven't tried to find my old health records, but the accident didn't do me any favors. My immune system is shot, on top of proper asthma.
"However, apparently living mostly as a hermit and not exchanging germs with a lot of people on a regular basis will put my immune system at less of a strain. Who'd have thought?" He actually gets ill less than he remembers doing as a child. "I don't always take the proper precautions still, as you can tell by the fact I wasn't masked up and all last night, but I do it most of the time when I'm going to places with a lot of people."
Would it be easier if his body was healthy? Absolutely. Is he living miserably and helplessly and unhappily because of how things are? No. He's found ways around it.
But then he immediately shakes his head. "She won't fight you! She's quick with her fists, but a lot of it after we met was her fighting people who were picking on me back before I knew.... anything, really. Then I learned how to talk to the other kids, and the adults, and she had less reasons to do any fighting. She just kept practicing - properly, as extracurriculars and all - and remained very good."
And Joshua learned to charm teeth out of people when he puts his mind to it, rather than need her to punch those same people's teeth loose. Not that he wants people's teeth! Ew.
Not for the first time Clive curses the fact that he was always perfectly healthy growing up - with the exception of getting clipped by that truck, but, like, he got hit by a fucking truck - while Joshua got the leftovers and the dregs, it felt like. There was always only so much he could do to make things easier back then and now that helplessness rears its ugly head again. Clive can't just share his good health with Joshua or wish better health upon him. It doesn't work like that.
He just has to believe that Joshua knows his body well enough to take care of it and not do anything too reckless. Easier said than done, of course. But Clive is trying not to be overwhelming, either. He knows he hates when people fuss over him when he's feeling under the weather. Not that he has a lot of people to fuss. Jill is probably the one who does it the most, but Clive doesn't actually hate that so much.
Or something.
"I, uh, don't have any masks here, but I can get some." Now he feels kind of inconsiderate. "Your body probably isn't used to my...germs anymore." He's healthy and vaccinated, of course, but bodies can still be stupid.
The more he hears of Jote, though, the more he likes her. Or maybe just respects her. Anyone who protects Joshua is good in his book.
He tries not to dwell on this idea that she replaced him. Joshua said earlier he still needs Clive. Jote is just another part of their family, literally and figuratively. "I'm glad you two found each other, then. She sounds..." Clive trails off, not quite sure how he feels about some cousin he's literally just heard about five minutes ago who also potentially could kick his ass. "Lovely." Not...the best descriptor, probably, but obe that came to mind all the same.
Loot at your brother's bright-bright eyes, Clive. Does he look, right here and now, miserable or unhappy or short-changed with what he has? No. He is happy that you have good health, and while he may get frustrated while he is ill, most of the time he deals with as matter of course. And lives. Lives. He'll infect you with that, yet.
For now, his eyes crinkle hard at the edges, though he tries to smooth his face into nonchalance. "I somehow feel like last night would have lacked some of its highlights if I'd shown up masked up." Beat. "Even if I'd worn one of my cute masks!"
He is going to do his best to distract, even if his efforts end up stilted. A little.
Joshua's effort is obvious, but Clive allows it, huffing out a little laugh that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I don't know. I would have been even more confused as to why some masked stranger had taken a sudden liking to me before I recognized you. That might have been funny." Later on, anyway, after the shock of a reunion and the guilt of getting a bar wrecked.
...Shit. That's another establishment he can never poke his nose in ever again, even if they don't ban him from the premises by some miracle. He would be far too embarrassed to show his face. Shame, really. Their prices are mostly decent.
Clive sniffs and takes a drink of his water. "What makes your masks 'cute'?" It's a legitimate question, his curiosity ever-present when it comes to his brother. But then his lips twitch with a sudden need for silliness, to tease like he sometimes did when they were younger, to varying degrees of success. "Besides being attached to your face, that is."
It's stupid. It's so stupid. He feels stupid before the words are even out of his mouth, but he still can't keep a straight face so he covers his mouth with a bandaged hand. As if that will help literally anything.
That part wasn't Joshua's fault but he'd still be tempted to apologize. For not knowing enough to try to resolve the situation better.
But maybe Clive can find a place over in the university town that will be nice, when he's visiting?
At the question, Joshua grins, and only pauses to duck his face with the blush at the comment on it before starting to unwind his long limbs from the chair to go grab his phone to show pictures. Not too many, but enough. There are a few masks with kitten whiskers, and a couple with very adorable birds.
None of them would have been any help for either recognition or alleviating the situation at the bar.
At least Joshua chooses not to call him out on his dumb joke. Small mercies. He watches as Joshua gets up from the table and finally realizes how he's gotten so tall. His kid brother is all legs.
He doesn't have a lot of fine to dwell on this before Joshua comes back woth his phone to show some pictures. The masks are cute and definitely something Joshua can pull off much better than he himself could. Clive tells Joshua as much, but also tries not to look too closely at any other pictures that aren't shared with him.
He likes his own privacy, after all, so he tries to extend the same courtesy to others, even though he wishes he could go through every moment Joshua has decided to document. There is so much he's missed and these glimpses probably don't even scratch the surface. They have time now, he tells himself, to catch up, but it still feels like it won't be enough.
Patience. He needs to be patient.
Clive takes another drink of his water. "Do you...want to see some pictures of Jill?" Including Clive, of course, but that's not the important part in Clive's mind.
Edited (Uh oh brother names are starting to become synonomous) Date: 2023-11-13 08:42 pm (UTC)
He chooses to grin over said joke, as well, but can't come up with a comeback that will not dissolve into things being ... less fun. So, pictures.
And, while they have been apart for a painfully long time, there are ways in which Clive hasn't changed at all, not for the brother who always adored him and watched him with absolute focus whenever he had the chance. He knows the signs of things that his brother feels, and forces himself to push down, push back, for reasons that Joshua could not well understand back then, but now seem much more transparent. At least... at least right now.
Joshua's smile turns softer, and excited.
"I'll love to - but these are right here and probably a lot fewer. Go ahead and go through them as you finish your breakfast, and then I can see what she looks like, too."
And while the beginning is certain and confident, as he finishes it fills him with wonder all over again. That he can see Jill. That he is next to his brother, that this is really real. And he reaches to gulp some water helplessly.
The pictures really aren't very many. Documenting his own life seems like such an opening for something to fall in the wrong hands, to reach the wrong people, the wrong person. The masks were just there because he wanted to ask Jote if she wanted some, too. There are a few from locations he has traveled to for work, again for her sake. A few, spaced out by others, of piles of books, one on the desk in his living room, one on his bedroom floor, one perched precariously on the back of his sofa. There are a few of Jote, though it's often in motion, while she's training or demonstrating her skills, so her face might be a little blurry, her hair, shorter and darker than Joshua's, most of what is visible. There are a couple of pictures downloaded from where Jote sent them to him, also not necessarily enough of his face shown to be immediately recognizable, but clearly of himself, one with head thrown back in laughter, another with his face elongated by wonder at a question.
And, at the end, a snuck picture of an arm, the hem of a pushed back white sleeve, and muscles rippling under fair skin in a way Joshua's absolutely could not, holding a glass of wine, no identification at all whose it is, and no more reason seeming for its existence by the beauty of it, and the setting sun's light playing along the pale colors.
Previous phones had more morbid pictures. Their graves, certainly. A hospital or five, possibly unintelligible one from the other. Empty spaces, too, longing to be filled with, he did not back then know what. But Clive is spared such sadness.
Clive nods and accepts this opportunity to sate his curiosity, just like he wanted. He tries not to look too eager, though, wiping his fingers on a napkin so he won't get pizza grease on Joshua's phone.
There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
"Ah..." Joshua's eyes are bright, but his cheeks also feel like burning. "Jote was telling a funny story which ended up with a rather absurd twist, and I couldn't help myself. She did it on purpose." But she knows better than to consider it blackmail material. Or, at least, she did. Things might change, now.
A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
Okay, Jote gets a good mark in his book. Anyone who can bring even an ounce of happiness to his brother is something to whom Clive is grateful. After everything that's happened and the years of being alone, or mostly alone, he wants Joshua to have anything positive. He couldn't have been there, but at least someone else was.
He understands the fear, though, of being found or recognized and doesn't blame Joshua one bit. Clive went through that, too. It's one reason he changed his name as soon as he could. But then he spent most of his time in the army in another country, or on another continent entirely, and slowly the fear quieted. He wasn't a teenager recovering from multiple broken bones and months of therapy, anymore, or trying to come to terms with the horror of losing his family. But while he grew stronger and older and a little more confident, he knows Joshua didn't have the same opportunities to feel safe, or at least less like jumping at shadows. Clive eventually feared their mother less. Joshua simply can't.
But he doesn't bring any of this up. He leans over to bump his shoulder with Joshua's. "Selfies are overrated. And I'm not just saying that because I'm awful at taking them." Giving another smile to Joshua, Clive finally gets up and heads to his room to grab his own phone. When he comes back and opens up his camera roll, he debates just looking for the shots of Jill he has, but then changes his mind. Joshua shared everything with him. Clive will do the same. "Try to ignore the screen crack. It's, uh...a new development."
The first picture happens to be one of him and Jill, though. They're hunched close together, both of them with slight smiles on their faces. Neither of them smile wide normally, anyway. But Joshua will notice that Jill's hair, while still the same color, is much longer than when they were children and her face has lost most of its baby fat, as is to be expected. "She took that one. If I had tried, neither of our faces would be in it." Clive doesn't think he has that many pictures, but compared to Joshua, he does. Granted, as Joshua goes through them, he'll notice random memes or unrelated pics Clive has downloaded sprinkled throughout.
Don't question them, or his sense of humor.
There are some shots of Gav and other coworkers at a bar, in the middle of drinking or telling some story Clive clearly thought was important at one point. A shot of a car in a car park that is not just parked over the line, but infringing on a handicapped spot, to boot. The next is the same, but with Clive's hand in the shot, his index and middle finger up in a rude gesture. A series of shots in a park, some closeups of flowers and tree blooms, as well as a couple of a bird in its nest. A shot taken from a bus window, the glare on the glass obvious, but a rare clear sky over an open field. Also interspersed are some shots of book pages, some full and others cropped. Joshua probably shouldn't read those. Not because they're trashy or anything (maybe), but because they are often pretty sentimental and Clive isn't strong enough today to be teased too much. Some snuck shots of Jill curled up on his couch.
There's a shot of him shirtless in bed, clearly asleep. He reaches over to thumb past it as soon as he can.
But then another series of shots, and these are some of Clive's favorites. There's a white horse at a fence, its head bent down and eating something out of Jill's palm. Her hair is pulled back in a thick braid. The next is of Clive, only he's not feeding the horse, but pressing his forehead against its own, eyes closed and looking peaceful. His hair is a little shorter, but his facial hair thicker. Then a few shots of the horse on its own, farther away in the field. Clive interjects to explain, "Her name is Ambrosia. The horse, I mean. Jill is obviously Jill. She's a rescue."
Then a shot of mugs on a store shelf. Joshua will recognize the moogle design as matching the same mug Gav had utilized earlier.
Pictures of his flat mostly as it appears now. A downloaded picture of their father, one of the professional photos he had, nothing personal. But then Clive lost all access to anything at home after the accident. Pictures of his flat, but without furniture. Clearly, they were taken before the others. A dressing room mirror selfie of Clive in a black button-up shirt, followed by a red button-up shirt. His hair is shorter still, but his face clean-shaven.
Now that Joshua has gotten to the end, he grabs another piece of pizza and slowly starts to chew.
It is that, about the fear, but also more complicated than it, too. While, at first, Joshua's decision was primarily taken out of fear for himself, over the years his resolved has been reinforced by consideration that was more about others. Even aside from the fact that his mother's actions had taken lives, back then, and she had not hesitated to ensure that they would, they had destroyed lives, also. Fake funerals, claiming people dead - children, really who were not.
Including her own son.
And this was when everything worked out quietly, without attention, suspicion, or malice drawn towards her.
If Joshua were to try to reclaim his life, or - better yet - all three of them, the consequences could be devastating for people who never asked for this. He wonders, for example, about the driver of that truck. He had not had enough leads to find out if there had been anyone in there at the time. If they had survived. But chances are, he thinks, that they did not.
Even if not afraid for himself, he knows he has nothing like the knowledge, let alone the stomach, to rise up and 'play' against her, with the stakes she chooses and he can't take away from her, not without many being sacrificed.
Perhaps it is still fear for himself, unchecked by any strength with which to deny it, but he... doesn't think that is all of it.
At least he can get distracted from those thoughts by the pictures.
"Screen is fine by me... until I can maybe help with it. But you don't exactly have to explain, I was there when it happened."
He not only doesn't judge Clive's sense of humor, he actually snorts a time or two, getting and appreciating the humor even if in passing.
But, mostly, his eyes grow bright, happy, and adoring as the pictures go on. They widen, and his smile does, too, at the images and explanation about the horse.
"Ambrosia. She is beautiful." Beet. "She is all right?" Shorter hair means there has been some time since the pictures were taken, but the lack of Clive closing in on himself about them, or obvious grief, suggests the question might be a safe one? And Jill being in these pictures means it wasn't that long ago.
When they are done, and Clive returns to eating, Joshua reaches to squeeze the fingertips of his brother's free hand, above the bandages and hopefully where it won't hurt.
"Thank you, for sharing them." It soothes some of the worry that the conversation earlier has chilled him with. Yes, the life Clive has is not the one they could have, should have had. But it was his own, and it wasn't completely empty. Not of friendship, not of love, not of peace.
And that makes Joshua happy, unhesitatingly so.
He swallows, against the way his heart is swelling, and returns to his own pizza.
"I'll end up asking for the stories of some of those, you realize?"
Clive huffs out a laugh. Right, of course. Joshua was there last night; it doesn't take too many brain cells to piece together why his phone is slightly busted. But it takes Clive a second to realize that Joshua is offering to get his phone fixed. He shakes his head at that comment. "Don't worry about it. It still works fine." There's no need to toss this phone out just yet, and especially no reason to make his little brother shell out his own money.
There are very few people Clive would let go through his phone like this, though, and it does make him feel a little strange even though he trusts Joshua with it. While none of the contents are exactly private - well, except that one of him in bed; he really should delete it like he keeps telling himself to do - they still offer an insight into his life that he doesn't advertise on a daily basis. When he's at work, he's the quiet man who stocks the shelves late at night. Most of the people who come into Cid's shop aren't there to chat with the staff, just come in and get what they need and leave, especially at night. When he takes the bus, he's the quiet man who tries to give everyone else some space. When he goes out to the bar on his own, he's the quiet man who has a couple beers by himself and then leaves. When he's out with Gav or the others, he usually sits quietly by and lets them make fools of themselves or tell stories. It's fine. It's how Clive likes it.
But to be seen and to be known...that's terrifying.
Joshua won't hurt him. He knows this. But it's still just been so long since they last knew anything about each other and fit into each other's lives. He doesn't want to be a disappointment and regardless of what Joshua says, that's a fear that won't go away so easily. Ambrosia, thankfully, is an easy conversation to have. "She's fine. She lost her left eye to an infection. Her previous owner obviously couldn't take care of her. I don't know if he was negligent on purpose, but...she's in better hands now. She can eat all day and wander and not have a care in the world." Frankly, Clive is kind of jealous. Just not about the eye part, obviously.
Feeling Joshua take his fingers, Clive curls them in acknowledgment. "Of course." He may be hesitant to share his privacy with just anyone, but he'll do his best to never show that fear in front of Joshua. "We...may be different people now, but you're still my brother. You'll always be a part of my life and welcome in it." He pauses. "But I reserve the right to not answer any question that makes me look exceptionally stupid."
It's a joke. Mostly. He bumps Joshua's shoulder again just to make that a little more clear. But then he realizes that he has no idea what Joshua's schedule is like. "How long were you planning to be out this way?" Does he have classes or any other urgent responsibilities? Clive doesn't want him to leave any time soon, but he won't hold him back if needs to live his life, too.
Of course the phone works, that is not the point. Joshua wants his brother to be able to find whatever joy he can, and being reminded of last night, and its pain, every time he looks at his phone does not sound like much enjoyment. Or any. (He might be forgetting the fact where the night also brought them back together. But he is unlikely to think himself that much of a treat. Even though, to him, the evening will be unforgettable. Life getting a little more real, a little more right. Incredible, even after years of searching.)
"Oh..." Joshua's entire face lights up as Clive is telling the story of Ambrosia. This is exactly the kind of heroism that he would expect of his brother. "I am glad you are a part of her story now." He is not going to assume just how much Clive did or did not. But a horse that was mistreated getting love and care already is a huge improvement.
And of course Joshua won't hurt him.
His eyes crinkle, soft. "Of course you don't have to answer every question I have. This is about," a small wave of his hand, "rediscovering who we are, not an interrogation. But you will never seem stupid to me, and absolutely never 'exceptionally' stupid." It has to be said. And Joshua is absolutely sincere about it, too. It's utterly unthinkable.
He ducks his head slightly.
"A couple of days. I can probably stretch it a bit more, if you will let me properly chip in for stuff." He knows the cab and the pizza were one thing, but he's seen enough to be able to guess that Clive won't take easily to Joshua just taking over feeding them while he's here, for all it'll be less of a strain on him. But he also doesn't want to leave Clive alone while he's recovering, even if, demonstrably, he won't be actually left to fend for himself.
"I tend to stay ahead of deadlines, and little actually requires me to be present. I don't actually teach or anything like that." So he's flexible.
Clive shrugs. "I don't do much for Ambrosia. I just visit her sometimes." Mostly with Jill, but he'll make the trip out to that location on his own, too. "I wasn't the one who rescued her. I just like horses." Surely Joshua remembers that from their childhood, even if Clive never made a huge deal about his interests. It was difficult, with their mother practically breathing down his neck and scoffing at anything frivolous that caught his eye. In hindsight, he wonders how she let him get away with playing football. Their father probably intervened.
He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
"Clive." Softly. "You love her. That is already a lot." Yes, he remembers, but also... this is important to point out. He hasn't had much of a chance to be anywhere near horses since back then, but he knows enough. She is happy near him. For an animal that was neglected, that makes all the difference in the world.
The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-10-24 08:41 am (UTC)Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
He hears you, Clive.
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Date: 2023-10-24 10:56 am (UTC)Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:32 am (UTC)The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
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Date: 2023-10-26 09:12 am (UTC)Clive already feels paper-thin some days.
Still, he listens, even though it's difficult to hear how Joshua struggled. He really should have been there. Even if Clive in those following few years barely had an idea how to move forward, he should have been a rock for his little brother. Joshua probably would have served as an anchor for him in return.
But, again, they can't change any of that.
Clive takes a breath and swallows back the pain. Because this all hurts so much and Joshua's sudden reappearance in his life, while so wonderful and truly a blessing, also tears at old wounds. It's not Joshua's fault. It's no one's fault.
"I'm here now. I'm going to try to...exist...better." Whatever that means.
The reminder of the pizza's existence causes his stomach to growl and Clive presses a hand to it, as if that will retroactively silence it. "Right. I am starving." Time for round two. Clive claims a piece and, as he realized last night, trying to chew with a fucked up cheek is a lot harder than it has any right to be. He groans a little, despite slowly chewing, and ends up propping his forehead on his hand while he makes this effort.
Not long after, someone knocks on the door, but just long enough to announce their presence. Gav lets himself in again and beelines for the table. "Well, don't you look a sorry sight, Clint. Hey, again, Joshua!" Clive looks up and just stares at Gav, but then puts down the pizza and holds out his hand for the medication. Gav hands it over. "Right. The usual applies. No drinkin' alcohol, but do eat food with it. Once every six hours or some shite. You can read the fine print."
Pretty typical for painkillers. Clive will manage just fine. "Thanks, Gav. What do I owe you?" He opens the package and then the bottle, immediately taking the first dose.
Gav shakes his head. "Just get better, brother." That's...too generous. Clive sighs and points to the pizza and looks decisively at Gav. He tries to wave Clive off, but when he doesn't relent, Gav laughs a little. "All right, all right, if you insist. Just one for the road, eh?" He grabs a piece, holds it up in a salute, then sees himself out, the little apartment falling quiet once again.
no subject
Date: 2023-10-26 11:37 am (UTC)He knows that things are sometimes not possible, and one doesn't have to apologize for them, but he also knows that, sometimes, the guilt is there, anyway. So, perhaps, hearing the forgiveness will help ease that.
Then he grins, stepping back so they can both focus on the pizza, and when Gav bursts in again, he grins, and manages an earnest, "thank you, Gav," in edgewise before the blond is out the door again. A head-tilt towards Clive.
"Do you start them now, since you're already having food, are you doing the noon-six-midnight-six which is easy to remember?"
no subject
Date: 2023-11-01 10:57 pm (UTC)The words fall around him and over him and try to seep into his skin. Clive hopes they'll stick. So much of his life has been spent shedding words off his back like a duck rolls off water. He's had to. From the hurtful things their mother uttered in his presence so often to the hard words thrown at him to mold him into a soldier, Clive simply couldn't take things to heart. If he did, he would have crumbled ages ago.
It's why he's so awful at accepting compliments, too, though he knows the difference. It's just difficult, like everything else. He also knows that Joshua is well-meaning so he won't say anything else. He won't brush him off. He just...has to relearn how to be an older brother.
He wants to forgive himself. He wants to be able to look at his reflection or Jill or now Joshua and not be weighed down by guilt, by how he didn't do enough or he did too much.
But Clive is able to get through his daily life without much trouble, or too much adapting. His nerves today are wrecked, not least of all by Joshua's sudden reappearance, but Cid and Gav's surprise house call. But he breathes and gives the medicine bottle a quick shake, the remaining pills clicking together satisfyingly. "Already ahead of you. I don't have much of a pain tolerance today." No waiting around when he doesn't need to.
Another attempt is made to eat and it still hurts, but his hunger prevails this time. There is still so much he doesn't know, though. "Where are you living now?"
no subject
Date: 2023-11-07 10:05 am (UTC)But if Clive can do it, his life will be easier, even if nothing physically changes. So, yes, he will hope and support and help, do as much as he can for his part. And, perhaps, one day things will get better. For Clive. (For both of them.)
He settles, chewing on a piece of pizza himself.
"Not very far, actually, though a couple of towns over, near my university - my being where I have my Ph.D. almost done, and technically work. It seemed prudent to stay close, even if I sometimes have to travel for the sake of research. An apartment, on my own, though Jote shows up pretty regularly. And now Dion, who moved in next door - which is how we met again." Happenstance that Joshua is extremely grateful for.
"... Jote was in the orphanage where I ended up. But later on it turned out she's a distant cousin, too. Four years younger than me. I think she'll be happy, to have more family. When you're ready to brave a lot of energy all at once."
He remembers Dion's look when she'd shown up, he'd been amused but trying to keep up, and Clive was lower energy yet. Might as well give warning.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-08 10:31 am (UTC)Joshua continues, however, and Clive gives him the time and the space for it, still gingerly eating. It's a lot to take in, hearing how Joshua is really making something of himself, and then discovering yet another long-lost family member. It almost sounds impossible, but Clive knows Joshua wouldn't make this up, none of it. He runs his fingertips through his hair and lets out a breath. "My brother, a doctor. You always were smarter. What are you researching?"
As for this Jote... "I would like to meet her, just..." He points to the bandage on his face, as if it isn't the biggest distraction in the room, second only to Joshua and Clive existing in the same space again. "When this is healed enough. I'd prefer to be marginally cordial when making an impression on someone." And if she is as high-energy as Joshua makes her out to be, then she really shouldn't meet Clive in his current state.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-10 09:38 am (UTC)He nudges Clive's knee with his own, gently. It's all right. Or... at least, it will be all right.
Although the next words make Joshua blink, and his cheeks heat up a little. "I wouldn't say smarter, I just had fewer distractions." It's harder to focus on studying and thinking alone when you have so much to do. While when staying home sick, the options are much more limited. "And even fewer for a while, so I got into the habit." He breathes out, then grins.
"And don't worry, if anything, Jote is used to me being ill and not really likely to spend time with anyone." His expression turns less amused, but remains fond. "I think she will be happy to have more family. She spent the beginning of her life without anyone. She's great at fighting, really."
Oh... so Jote and Dion and Clive can all fight... with varying willingness, of course. That is a slightly amusing thought, with only a twitch of bitterness that he can never be as active as them. He swallows it down easily with the next bite of pizza.
"But there is no rush. For anything. I just wanted to get to you as soon as I knew where."
Less time in the nightmare of thinking more was lost than truly was.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 08:18 am (UTC)Then there's the reminder of Joshua's illness and Clive hates that, too. There is always something bearing over them, isn't there? Bitterly, Clive inwardly curses the universe that has kept their reunion from being as happy as it should be. Things are already shitty enough. Clive keeps this to himself, as well, though, and just chews slowly before asking, "You...still get sick pretty often, then?" He remembers the inhaler Joshua carries, which should be answer enough, but he wants to know for certain.
Jote, on the other hand, sounds like a handful. That's probably a good companion for Joshua to have, just so he doesn't risk falling into melancholy or something. Is he at risk of that? Fuck, Clive doesn't know. He'll have to ask Jote when they finally meet. Though now he fears he may end up asking so many questions it'll feel like an interrogation. Wouldn't that be an impression? Clive breathes out and runs his fingers through his hair. "Like I said, I want to meet her. As long as I'm not at risk of her fighting me."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 10:01 am (UTC)"However, apparently living mostly as a hermit and not exchanging germs with a lot of people on a regular basis will put my immune system at less of a strain. Who'd have thought?" He actually gets ill less than he remembers doing as a child. "I don't always take the proper precautions still, as you can tell by the fact I wasn't masked up and all last night, but I do it most of the time when I'm going to places with a lot of people."
Would it be easier if his body was healthy? Absolutely. Is he living miserably and helplessly and unhappily because of how things are? No. He's found ways around it.
But then he immediately shakes his head. "She won't fight you! She's quick with her fists, but a lot of it after we met was her fighting people who were picking on me back before I knew.... anything, really. Then I learned how to talk to the other kids, and the adults, and she had less reasons to do any fighting. She just kept practicing - properly, as extracurriculars and all - and remained very good."
And Joshua learned to charm teeth out of people when he puts his mind to it, rather than need her to punch those same people's teeth loose. Not that he wants people's teeth! Ew.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 06:00 pm (UTC)He just has to believe that Joshua knows his body well enough to take care of it and not do anything too reckless. Easier said than done, of course. But Clive is trying not to be overwhelming, either. He knows he hates when people fuss over him when he's feeling under the weather. Not that he has a lot of people to fuss. Jill is probably the one who does it the most, but Clive doesn't actually hate that so much.
Or something.
"I, uh, don't have any masks here, but I can get some." Now he feels kind of inconsiderate. "Your body probably isn't used to my...germs anymore." He's healthy and vaccinated, of course, but bodies can still be stupid.
The more he hears of Jote, though, the more he likes her. Or maybe just respects her. Anyone who protects Joshua is good in his book.
He tries not to dwell on this idea that she replaced him. Joshua said earlier he still needs Clive. Jote is just another part of their family, literally and figuratively. "I'm glad you two found each other, then. She sounds..." Clive trails off, not quite sure how he feels about some cousin he's literally just heard about five minutes ago who also potentially could kick his ass. "Lovely." Not...the best descriptor, probably, but obe that came to mind all the same.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-12 11:29 pm (UTC)For now, his eyes crinkle hard at the edges, though he tries to smooth his face into nonchalance. "I somehow feel like last night would have lacked some of its highlights if I'd shown up masked up." Beat. "Even if I'd worn one of my cute masks!"
He is going to do his best to distract, even if his efforts end up stilted. A little.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 12:23 am (UTC)...Shit. That's another establishment he can never poke his nose in ever again, even if they don't ban him from the premises by some miracle. He would be far too embarrassed to show his face. Shame, really. Their prices are mostly decent.
Clive sniffs and takes a drink of his water. "What makes your masks 'cute'?" It's a legitimate question, his curiosity ever-present when it comes to his brother. But then his lips twitch with a sudden need for silliness, to tease like he sometimes did when they were younger, to varying degrees of success. "Besides being attached to your face, that is."
It's stupid. It's so stupid. He feels stupid before the words are even out of his mouth, but he still can't keep a straight face so he covers his mouth with a bandaged hand. As if that will help literally anything.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 07:29 am (UTC)But maybe Clive can find a place over in the university town that will be nice, when he's visiting?
At the question, Joshua grins, and only pauses to duck his face with the blush at the comment on it before starting to unwind his long limbs from the chair to go grab his phone to show pictures. Not too many, but enough. There are a few masks with kitten whiskers, and a couple with very adorable birds.
None of them would have been any help for either recognition or alleviating the situation at the bar.
But they are cute.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 08:41 pm (UTC)He doesn't have a lot of fine to dwell on this before Joshua comes back woth his phone to show some pictures. The masks are cute and definitely something Joshua can pull off much better than he himself could. Clive tells Joshua as much, but also tries not to look too closely at any other pictures that aren't shared with him.
He likes his own privacy, after all, so he tries to extend the same courtesy to others, even though he wishes he could go through every moment Joshua has decided to document. There is so much he's missed and these glimpses probably don't even scratch the surface. They have time now, he tells himself, to catch up, but it still feels like it won't be enough.
Patience. He needs to be patient.
Clive takes another drink of his water. "Do you...want to see some pictures of Jill?" Including Clive, of course, but that's not the important part in Clive's mind.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-13 11:34 pm (UTC)And, while they have been apart for a painfully long time, there are ways in which Clive hasn't changed at all, not for the brother who always adored him and watched him with absolute focus whenever he had the chance. He knows the signs of things that his brother feels, and forces himself to push down, push back, for reasons that Joshua could not well understand back then, but now seem much more transparent. At least... at least right now.
Joshua's smile turns softer, and excited.
"I'll love to - but these are right here and probably a lot fewer. Go ahead and go through them as you finish your breakfast, and then I can see what she looks like, too."
And while the beginning is certain and confident, as he finishes it fills him with wonder all over again. That he can see Jill. That he is next to his brother, that this is really real. And he reaches to gulp some water helplessly.
The pictures really aren't very many. Documenting his own life seems like such an opening for something to fall in the wrong hands, to reach the wrong people, the wrong person. The masks were just there because he wanted to ask Jote if she wanted some, too. There are a few from locations he has traveled to for work, again for her sake. A few, spaced out by others, of piles of books, one on the desk in his living room, one on his bedroom floor, one perched precariously on the back of his sofa. There are a few of Jote, though it's often in motion, while she's training or demonstrating her skills, so her face might be a little blurry, her hair, shorter and darker than Joshua's, most of what is visible. There are a couple of pictures downloaded from where Jote sent them to him, also not necessarily enough of his face shown to be immediately recognizable, but clearly of himself, one with head thrown back in laughter, another with his face elongated by wonder at a question.
And, at the end, a snuck picture of an arm, the hem of a pushed back white sleeve, and muscles rippling under fair skin in a way Joshua's absolutely could not, holding a glass of wine, no identification at all whose it is, and no more reason seeming for its existence by the beauty of it, and the setting sun's light playing along the pale colors.
Previous phones had more morbid pictures. Their graves, certainly. A hospital or five, possibly unintelligible one from the other. Empty spaces, too, longing to be filled with, he did not back then know what. But Clive is spared such sadness.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-14 06:05 am (UTC)There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
no subject
Date: 2023-11-14 01:05 pm (UTC)A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
no subject
Date: 2023-11-15 08:28 am (UTC)He understands the fear, though, of being found or recognized and doesn't blame Joshua one bit. Clive went through that, too. It's one reason he changed his name as soon as he could. But then he spent most of his time in the army in another country, or on another continent entirely, and slowly the fear quieted. He wasn't a teenager recovering from multiple broken bones and months of therapy, anymore, or trying to come to terms with the horror of losing his family. But while he grew stronger and older and a little more confident, he knows Joshua didn't have the same opportunities to feel safe, or at least less like jumping at shadows. Clive eventually feared their mother less. Joshua simply can't.
But he doesn't bring any of this up. He leans over to bump his shoulder with Joshua's. "Selfies are overrated. And I'm not just saying that because I'm awful at taking them." Giving another smile to Joshua, Clive finally gets up and heads to his room to grab his own phone. When he comes back and opens up his camera roll, he debates just looking for the shots of Jill he has, but then changes his mind. Joshua shared everything with him. Clive will do the same. "Try to ignore the screen crack. It's, uh...a new development."
The first picture happens to be one of him and Jill, though. They're hunched close together, both of them with slight smiles on their faces. Neither of them smile wide normally, anyway. But Joshua will notice that Jill's hair, while still the same color, is much longer than when they were children and her face has lost most of its baby fat, as is to be expected. "She took that one. If I had tried, neither of our faces would be in it." Clive doesn't think he has that many pictures, but compared to Joshua, he does. Granted, as Joshua goes through them, he'll notice random memes or unrelated pics Clive has downloaded sprinkled throughout.
Don't question them, or his sense of humor.
There are some shots of Gav and other coworkers at a bar, in the middle of drinking or telling some story Clive clearly thought was important at one point. A shot of a car in a car park that is not just parked over the line, but infringing on a handicapped spot, to boot. The next is the same, but with Clive's hand in the shot, his index and middle finger up in a rude gesture. A series of shots in a park, some closeups of flowers and tree blooms, as well as a couple of a bird in its nest. A shot taken from a bus window, the glare on the glass obvious, but a rare clear sky over an open field. Also interspersed are some shots of book pages, some full and others cropped. Joshua probably shouldn't read those. Not because they're trashy or anything (maybe), but because they are often pretty sentimental and Clive isn't strong enough today to be teased too much. Some snuck shots of Jill curled up on his couch.
There's a shot of him shirtless in bed, clearly asleep. He reaches over to thumb past it as soon as he can.
But then another series of shots, and these are some of Clive's favorites. There's a white horse at a fence, its head bent down and eating something out of Jill's palm. Her hair is pulled back in a thick braid. The next is of Clive, only he's not feeding the horse, but pressing his forehead against its own, eyes closed and looking peaceful. His hair is a little shorter, but his facial hair thicker. Then a few shots of the horse on its own, farther away in the field. Clive interjects to explain, "Her name is Ambrosia. The horse, I mean. Jill is obviously Jill. She's a rescue."
Then a shot of mugs on a store shelf. Joshua will recognize the moogle design as matching the same mug Gav had utilized earlier.
Pictures of his flat mostly as it appears now. A downloaded picture of their father, one of the professional photos he had, nothing personal. But then Clive lost all access to anything at home after the accident. Pictures of his flat, but without furniture. Clearly, they were taken before the others. A dressing room mirror selfie of Clive in a black button-up shirt, followed by a red button-up shirt. His hair is shorter still, but his face clean-shaven.
Now that Joshua has gotten to the end, he grabs another piece of pizza and slowly starts to chew.
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Date: 2023-11-18 09:05 pm (UTC)Including her own son.
And this was when everything worked out quietly, without attention, suspicion, or malice drawn towards her.
If Joshua were to try to reclaim his life, or - better yet - all three of them, the consequences could be devastating for people who never asked for this. He wonders, for example, about the driver of that truck. He had not had enough leads to find out if there had been anyone in there at the time. If they had survived. But chances are, he thinks, that they did not.
Even if not afraid for himself, he knows he has nothing like the knowledge, let alone the stomach, to rise up and 'play' against her, with the stakes she chooses and he can't take away from her, not without many being sacrificed.
Perhaps it is still fear for himself, unchecked by any strength with which to deny it, but he... doesn't think that is all of it.
At least he can get distracted from those thoughts by the pictures.
"Screen is fine by me... until I can maybe help with it. But you don't exactly have to explain, I was there when it happened."
He not only doesn't judge Clive's sense of humor, he actually snorts a time or two, getting and appreciating the humor even if in passing.
But, mostly, his eyes grow bright, happy, and adoring as the pictures go on. They widen, and his smile does, too, at the images and explanation about the horse.
"Ambrosia. She is beautiful." Beet. "She is all right?" Shorter hair means there has been some time since the pictures were taken, but the lack of Clive closing in on himself about them, or obvious grief, suggests the question might be a safe one? And Jill being in these pictures means it wasn't that long ago.
When they are done, and Clive returns to eating, Joshua reaches to squeeze the fingertips of his brother's free hand, above the bandages and hopefully where it won't hurt.
"Thank you, for sharing them." It soothes some of the worry that the conversation earlier has chilled him with. Yes, the life Clive has is not the one they could have, should have had. But it was his own, and it wasn't completely empty. Not of friendship, not of love, not of peace.
And that makes Joshua happy, unhesitatingly so.
He swallows, against the way his heart is swelling, and returns to his own pizza.
"I'll end up asking for the stories of some of those, you realize?"
Not right now. But eventually.
His eyes crinkle.
"And you can ask about anything, of course."
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Date: 2023-11-20 06:13 am (UTC)There are very few people Clive would let go through his phone like this, though, and it does make him feel a little strange even though he trusts Joshua with it. While none of the contents are exactly private - well, except that one of him in bed; he really should delete it like he keeps telling himself to do - they still offer an insight into his life that he doesn't advertise on a daily basis. When he's at work, he's the quiet man who stocks the shelves late at night. Most of the people who come into Cid's shop aren't there to chat with the staff, just come in and get what they need and leave, especially at night. When he takes the bus, he's the quiet man who tries to give everyone else some space. When he goes out to the bar on his own, he's the quiet man who has a couple beers by himself and then leaves. When he's out with Gav or the others, he usually sits quietly by and lets them make fools of themselves or tell stories. It's fine. It's how Clive likes it.
But to be seen and to be known...that's terrifying.
Joshua won't hurt him. He knows this. But it's still just been so long since they last knew anything about each other and fit into each other's lives. He doesn't want to be a disappointment and regardless of what Joshua says, that's a fear that won't go away so easily. Ambrosia, thankfully, is an easy conversation to have. "She's fine. She lost her left eye to an infection. Her previous owner obviously couldn't take care of her. I don't know if he was negligent on purpose, but...she's in better hands now. She can eat all day and wander and not have a care in the world." Frankly, Clive is kind of jealous. Just not about the eye part, obviously.
Feeling Joshua take his fingers, Clive curls them in acknowledgment. "Of course." He may be hesitant to share his privacy with just anyone, but he'll do his best to never show that fear in front of Joshua. "We...may be different people now, but you're still my brother. You'll always be a part of my life and welcome in it." He pauses. "But I reserve the right to not answer any question that makes me look exceptionally stupid."
It's a joke. Mostly. He bumps Joshua's shoulder again just to make that a little more clear. But then he realizes that he has no idea what Joshua's schedule is like. "How long were you planning to be out this way?" Does he have classes or any other urgent responsibilities? Clive doesn't want him to leave any time soon, but he won't hold him back if needs to live his life, too.
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Date: 2023-11-20 08:41 pm (UTC)"Oh..." Joshua's entire face lights up as Clive is telling the story of Ambrosia. This is exactly the kind of heroism that he would expect of his brother. "I am glad you are a part of her story now." He is not going to assume just how much Clive did or did not. But a horse that was mistreated getting love and care already is a huge improvement.
And of course Joshua won't hurt him.
His eyes crinkle, soft. "Of course you don't have to answer every question I have. This is about," a small wave of his hand, "rediscovering who we are, not an interrogation. But you will never seem stupid to me, and absolutely never 'exceptionally' stupid." It has to be said. And Joshua is absolutely sincere about it, too. It's utterly unthinkable.
He ducks his head slightly.
"A couple of days. I can probably stretch it a bit more, if you will let me properly chip in for stuff." He knows the cab and the pizza were one thing, but he's seen enough to be able to guess that Clive won't take easily to Joshua just taking over feeding them while he's here, for all it'll be less of a strain on him. But he also doesn't want to leave Clive alone while he's recovering, even if, demonstrably, he won't be actually left to fend for himself.
"I tend to stay ahead of deadlines, and little actually requires me to be present. I don't actually teach or anything like that." So he's flexible.
Well.
His free time is.
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Date: 2023-11-21 08:51 am (UTC)He goes back to eating his pizza but tilts his head in Joshua's direction when he says he'll never find Clive stupid. "I'll remember you said that. So when the time comes and I inevitably make a complete fool of myself, you won't be able to backtrack." This is also something of a joke, though he's sure he'll slip up sooner rather than later.
Most importantly, though, is that Joshua can stay for a short while. There's no rush for him to get back to his apartment or do whatever it is he usually does. "You're always welcome here and you can stay as long as you like." But there's also the offer of paying for things and that makes Clive feel useless. No, he doesn't have a lot of extra spending money, and the current state of his existence probably makes that pretty obvious, but he still has some pride. And he doesn't want his brother spending all of his savings solely on him.
But if they are going to coexist peacefully, then Clive knows he needs to compromise. Joshua can be stubborn, or at least he was when they were younger, and so can Clive, and butting heads won't solve anything. So, he'll yield to this. He slumps in the chair and rests his head against the back of it. "Within reason. You don't need to restock my entire kitchen." No matter how bare it is. Don't look too closely, Joshua. "If you feel like you must, however, then we can go half and half."
Surely that isn't too much to concede, on either of their ends. Still, it almost feels like too much of a serious agreement instead of just an understanding between brothers, so Clive raises his hand and holds out his pinky. "How does that sound?"
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Date: 2023-11-21 11:11 am (UTC)The next part makes him snort out a laugh, the joke properly amusing, though he does nod, firmly. "No takebacks. Promise."
And the smile of amusement turns into a glow of happiness and excitement. He can stay a few days. He can be near Clive and while it will nothing like how it used to be, it also will be, just for the sheer presence of the one person who could make everything right in life, back when they were little. He can stay, and he can help, and he lets out a breath of relief he didn't know he was holding.
"Within reason." No hesitation. "I don't want to, I don't know, redo your life. Just don't want you to suddenly find yourself feeding one more person, unplanned-for."
Beat.
"Although if you are up to trying my cooking - and that's an incentive, not a threat, I am pretty decent at it - some restocking will happen. Half and half is very fair, though."
He won't go overboard. Just brace yourself for being treated to home-made meals for the next days, Clive. Cooked with love.
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