Joshua's arms come up to holding Clive an the bandaged hands are on his face, their foreheads leaning together, his breath catching painfully at Clive's reaction. His own head presses a little into that lean.
"You're alive. We both are. That's what matters."
He swallows, thickly, and then adds, "I love you, Clive. Just as you are. Just as your life is. Nothing I might see, or learn, will change that."
You still are, always will be, the world to him, brother. The best and greatest of men.
But also he is beginning to see Dion's point about apologizing for things that don't need apologizing for. Just a little.
Clive closes his eyes and breathes in, and out, and tells himself this same thing. That's what matters. He doesn't disagree because, despite all this emotional upheaval, this is the happiest he's been in years. Since Jill made her way back into his life, though that was eclipsed by...everything. He wishes he could look back on that time and feel anything other than horrible guilt.
That seems to be his life. Shadowed by all the misfortune that finds him and latches onto him. Peter Pan fought with keeping his shadow attached; Clive wishes he could be rid of the damn thing.
But they're alive, and that's what matters. Clive died once and yet still managed to scrape himself up from the grave, if under the guise of a new person. As much as he hurts, this isn't that drastic.
Joshua doesn't let up, still. He says exactly what Clive needs to hear and Clive responds with a sob, pulling a hand back to messily wipe under his eyes. "Dammit, Joshua," he chokes out, but shakes his head and laughs weakly. "I'm tired of crying." Something tells him he better get used to it, though.
He fights back the tears because it really is exhausting, and also because Gav could come back at any moment, and while he's not ashamed of being emotionally open, he doesn't have the energy to deal with his friend. He takes a few deep breaths and wraps his other arm around Joshua, pulling him close. "I love you, too. I never stopped. Not for a second."
"Sorry..." Joshua's hold of his brother tightens, though, even if his eyes widen with the apology he does mean--
Before Clive goes on and Joshua's breath catches, eyes brightening again.
"I never doubted you. Not for a moment." One hand comes up to cup his brother's cheek in turn, thumb brushing along the cheekbone.
"I only wish I could take away the pain right now, but... I think that will take time." Gently, he brushes the fringe away from Clive's eyes, but not tucking it away, even though his fingers fairly itch to set in the familiar way he used to wear it back then. But... he knows he doesn't want who his brother was. He wants who his brother is right now.
"I'm not going away, even if I will have to go back home eventually, so there is all the time in the world."
There is a lot that hurts right now, not least of all his face. He hopes Gav gets back soon, but also not in the middle of this moment with Joshua. While the physical pain certainly bothers him, Clive can push that aside long enough to pay attention to his brother.
Or, just to let Joshua explore his face. He's not sure what's going through Joshua's head, but when he messes with his hair, Clive has an idea. It...causes him to tense up a little, thinking back to their childhood, though he doesn't mean to. But thinking of how their lives were back then... Everything may not have been better, exactly, but they still had each other and a semblance of home. How real that actually was, he can't say, but it felt safe enough.
They're not children anymore. The world hasn't been kind to them. But they have to keep pushing forward. Clive closes his eyes and leans slightly into Joshua's touch, hoping to reassure him that he's allowed to feel things. "Everything takes time. You can't just..." He lifts a hand to gesture at his bandaged cheek. "You can't just throw on a plaster and call it a day, as much as I wish that were so."
He sighs and opens his eyes again, though he can't meet Joshua's gaze for long. "As I am right now, I don't feel..." Clive considers his words. Joshua has just told him that he loves him no matter what, but he wants to be honest. Should he, though? Or will it make things worse? He lifts a hand to rake his fingers through Joshua's hair. "I want to say more, but I don't want to upset you again."
Joshua leans into that touch, in turn, very definitely enjoying the familiar-unfamiliar contact with his brother. It's not the head-pat that used to be, but it's just as close and dear. And he's missed this. More profoundly than he's ever dared to admit even to himself.
The words - the last part of them - send a chill down his spine, because there is much that he can hear that can upset him. But he braces himself, squaring his shoulder slightly, even as his eyes remain soft. And he manages a small smile.
"I can manage, especially with the warning. You don't have to hide, nor carry everything alone. And I won't turn away, no matter what it is."
Joshua is an adult. Clive doesn't know the half of what he's experienced in the years they've been apart, but realistically he must have tasted his fair share of what it means to grow up. Good, bad, the in-between. Not that Clive is going to dump all the tragedies he's seen on his little brother. He really does just want to be honest and clear the air between them. It's better than bottling things up forever.
Clive takes a breath and taps Joshua's nose. "You don't have to agree with me. I don't expect you to. I just... I want to be the brother you deserve to have again. But I don't feel like I'm worthy of that. It's been so long and I worry I've forgotten everything or...or you've outgrown me - "
Ah. As soon as those final words are out of his mouth, Clive shakes his head. "No, ignore that last part. I want to try better. I want to be better. I want you to be stuck with me. I just need you to know that I feel like a mess." Well, he pretty much stumbled his way through that, but...he hopes it at least makes things a little more transparent.
Joshua's eyes cross for a moment as he follows the finger tapping his nose, but then he focuses on Clive again, listening attentively. His eyebrows twitch slightly, but there isn't any visible sign of upset, because that's not what he's feeling. Instead, his mind is whirling trying to figure the situation out.
Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
Joshua...doesn't react the way Clive expects. The smile, for starters, takes him by surprise. Yes, he tried to make his feelings palatable, however honest, but he doesn't think it was a happy statement. He's being harsh to himself. Shouldn't Joshua be angry with him?
Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
"I should have been there for you," he says, voice soft and quiet, almost afraid to admit. "I wasn't. I'm...I'm so sorry." It's something neither of them can change. Obviously. And Clive knows this, but while they're being honest, it just feels right to say it. If he keeps all of his regrets stored away inside of him, then they'll slowly eat away at him until there's nothing left.
Clive already feels paper-thin some days.
Still, he listens, even though it's difficult to hear how Joshua struggled. He really should have been there. Even if Clive in those following few years barely had an idea how to move forward, he should have been a rock for his little brother. Joshua probably would have served as an anchor for him in return.
But, again, they can't change any of that.
Clive takes a breath and swallows back the pain. Because this all hurts so much and Joshua's sudden reappearance in his life, while so wonderful and truly a blessing, also tears at old wounds. It's not Joshua's fault. It's no one's fault.
"I'm here now. I'm going to try to...exist...better." Whatever that means.
The reminder of the pizza's existence causes his stomach to growl and Clive presses a hand to it, as if that will retroactively silence it. "Right. I am starving." Time for round two. Clive claims a piece and, as he realized last night, trying to chew with a fucked up cheek is a lot harder than it has any right to be. He groans a little, despite slowly chewing, and ends up propping his forehead on his hand while he makes this effort.
Not long after, someone knocks on the door, but just long enough to announce their presence. Gav lets himself in again and beelines for the table. "Well, don't you look a sorry sight, Clint. Hey, again, Joshua!" Clive looks up and just stares at Gav, but then puts down the pizza and holds out his hand for the medication. Gav hands it over. "Right. The usual applies. No drinkin' alcohol, but do eat food with it. Once every six hours or some shite. You can read the fine print."
Pretty typical for painkillers. Clive will manage just fine. "Thanks, Gav. What do I owe you?" He opens the package and then the bottle, immediately taking the first dose.
Gav shakes his head. "Just get better, brother." That's...too generous. Clive sighs and points to the pizza and looks decisively at Gav. He tries to wave Clive off, but when he doesn't relent, Gav laughs a little. "All right, all right, if you insist. Just one for the road, eh?" He grabs a piece, holds it up in a salute, then sees himself out, the little apartment falling quiet once again.
Joshua takes a breath to tell him that there is nothing to apologize for, but it catches helplessly, and instead, he murmurs, "you could not have been. But ... but I wished you were there, when I remembered." His hand clenches a little in Clive's t-shirt. "And so, more properly. I forgive you. And I hope, once we settle down a bit, you can forgive yourself, too."
He knows that things are sometimes not possible, and one doesn't have to apologize for them, but he also knows that, sometimes, the guilt is there, anyway. So, perhaps, hearing the forgiveness will help ease that.
Then he grins, stepping back so they can both focus on the pizza, and when Gav bursts in again, he grins, and manages an earnest, "thank you, Gav," in edgewise before the blond is out the door again. A head-tilt towards Clive.
"Do you start them now, since you're already having food, are you doing the noon-six-midnight-six which is easy to remember?"
The words fall around him and over him and try to seep into his skin. Clive hopes they'll stick. So much of his life has been spent shedding words off his back like a duck rolls off water. He's had to. From the hurtful things their mother uttered in his presence so often to the hard words thrown at him to mold him into a soldier, Clive simply couldn't take things to heart. If he did, he would have crumbled ages ago.
It's why he's so awful at accepting compliments, too, though he knows the difference. It's just difficult, like everything else. He also knows that Joshua is well-meaning so he won't say anything else. He won't brush him off. He just...has to relearn how to be an older brother.
He wants to forgive himself. He wants to be able to look at his reflection or Jill or now Joshua and not be weighed down by guilt, by how he didn't do enough or he did too much.
But Clive is able to get through his daily life without much trouble, or too much adapting. His nerves today are wrecked, not least of all by Joshua's sudden reappearance, but Cid and Gav's surprise house call. But he breathes and gives the medicine bottle a quick shake, the remaining pills clicking together satisfyingly. "Already ahead of you. I don't have much of a pain tolerance today." No waiting around when he doesn't need to.
Another attempt is made to eat and it still hurts, but his hunger prevails this time. There is still so much he doesn't know, though. "Where are you living now?"
This is why Joshua is making no demands, or even requests. It's a hope, he knows how difficult it is to forgive oneself - much more so than forgiving others.
But if Clive can do it, his life will be easier, even if nothing physically changes. So, yes, he will hope and support and help, do as much as he can for his part. And, perhaps, one day things will get better. For Clive. (For both of them.)
He settles, chewing on a piece of pizza himself.
"Not very far, actually, though a couple of towns over, near my university - my being where I have my Ph.D. almost done, and technically work. It seemed prudent to stay close, even if I sometimes have to travel for the sake of research. An apartment, on my own, though Jote shows up pretty regularly. And now Dion, who moved in next door - which is how we met again." Happenstance that Joshua is extremely grateful for.
"... Jote was in the orphanage where I ended up. But later on it turned out she's a distant cousin, too. Four years younger than me. I think she'll be happy, to have more family. When you're ready to brave a lot of energy all at once."
He remembers Dion's look when she'd shown up, he'd been amused but trying to keep up, and Clive was lower energy yet. Might as well give warning.
The answer to Clive's question is given and he breathes out a laugh. "So close..." And yet he's gone through these last few years still thinking Joshua dead. They could have reunited sooner and saved each other the despair. Clive keeps that to himself, though; he knows Joshua would tell him it wasn't his fault, they were both trying not to be found, et cetera. But...still. Clive could hop on a bus and it wouldn't be an inconvenience to do so.
Joshua continues, however, and Clive gives him the time and the space for it, still gingerly eating. It's a lot to take in, hearing how Joshua is really making something of himself, and then discovering yet another long-lost family member. It almost sounds impossible, but Clive knows Joshua wouldn't make this up, none of it. He runs his fingertips through his hair and lets out a breath. "My brother, a doctor. You always were smarter. What are you researching?"
As for this Jote... "I would like to meet her, just..." He points to the bandage on his face, as if it isn't the biggest distraction in the room, second only to Joshua and Clive existing in the same space again. "When this is healed enough. I'd prefer to be marginally cordial when making an impression on someone." And if she is as high-energy as Joshua makes her out to be, then she really shouldn't meet Clive in his current state.
"Well... neither of us is exactly keen on being much in public, let alone in the public eye. Or social media. So close, and now close enough."
He nudges Clive's knee with his own, gently. It's all right. Or... at least, it will be all right.
Although the next words make Joshua blink, and his cheeks heat up a little. "I wouldn't say smarter, I just had fewer distractions." It's harder to focus on studying and thinking alone when you have so much to do. While when staying home sick, the options are much more limited. "And even fewer for a while, so I got into the habit." He breathes out, then grins.
"And don't worry, if anything, Jote is used to me being ill and not really likely to spend time with anyone." His expression turns less amused, but remains fond. "I think she will be happy to have more family. She spent the beginning of her life without anyone. She's great at fighting, really."
Oh... so Jote and Dion and Clive can all fight... with varying willingness, of course. That is a slightly amusing thought, with only a twitch of bitterness that he can never be as active as them. He swallows it down easily with the next bite of pizza.
"But there is no rush. For anything. I just wanted to get to you as soon as I knew where."
Less time in the nightmare of thinking more was lost than truly was.
Clive lets that subject drop for now. No use arguing over something they can't change, even if it will eat at him for some time, he's sure. This is just how Clive is, he knows this about himself, but it's not something so easily changed. But he nods at Joshua, at the behest of that knee nudge, and vows to try. There is so much he has to try now.
Then there's the reminder of Joshua's illness and Clive hates that, too. There is always something bearing over them, isn't there? Bitterly, Clive inwardly curses the universe that has kept their reunion from being as happy as it should be. Things are already shitty enough. Clive keeps this to himself, as well, though, and just chews slowly before asking, "You...still get sick pretty often, then?" He remembers the inhaler Joshua carries, which should be answer enough, but he wants to know for certain.
Jote, on the other hand, sounds like a handful. That's probably a good companion for Joshua to have, just so he doesn't risk falling into melancholy or something. Is he at risk of that? Fuck, Clive doesn't know. He'll have to ask Jote when they finally meet. Though now he fears he may end up asking so many questions it'll feel like an interrogation. Wouldn't that be an impression? Clive breathes out and runs his fingers through his hair. "Like I said, I want to meet her. As long as I'm not at risk of her fighting me."
Joshua makes a so-so gesture with his hand at the first question. "I haven't tried to find my old health records, but the accident didn't do me any favors. My immune system is shot, on top of proper asthma.
"However, apparently living mostly as a hermit and not exchanging germs with a lot of people on a regular basis will put my immune system at less of a strain. Who'd have thought?" He actually gets ill less than he remembers doing as a child. "I don't always take the proper precautions still, as you can tell by the fact I wasn't masked up and all last night, but I do it most of the time when I'm going to places with a lot of people."
Would it be easier if his body was healthy? Absolutely. Is he living miserably and helplessly and unhappily because of how things are? No. He's found ways around it.
But then he immediately shakes his head. "She won't fight you! She's quick with her fists, but a lot of it after we met was her fighting people who were picking on me back before I knew.... anything, really. Then I learned how to talk to the other kids, and the adults, and she had less reasons to do any fighting. She just kept practicing - properly, as extracurriculars and all - and remained very good."
And Joshua learned to charm teeth out of people when he puts his mind to it, rather than need her to punch those same people's teeth loose. Not that he wants people's teeth! Ew.
Not for the first time Clive curses the fact that he was always perfectly healthy growing up - with the exception of getting clipped by that truck, but, like, he got hit by a fucking truck - while Joshua got the leftovers and the dregs, it felt like. There was always only so much he could do to make things easier back then and now that helplessness rears its ugly head again. Clive can't just share his good health with Joshua or wish better health upon him. It doesn't work like that.
He just has to believe that Joshua knows his body well enough to take care of it and not do anything too reckless. Easier said than done, of course. But Clive is trying not to be overwhelming, either. He knows he hates when people fuss over him when he's feeling under the weather. Not that he has a lot of people to fuss. Jill is probably the one who does it the most, but Clive doesn't actually hate that so much.
Or something.
"I, uh, don't have any masks here, but I can get some." Now he feels kind of inconsiderate. "Your body probably isn't used to my...germs anymore." He's healthy and vaccinated, of course, but bodies can still be stupid.
The more he hears of Jote, though, the more he likes her. Or maybe just respects her. Anyone who protects Joshua is good in his book.
He tries not to dwell on this idea that she replaced him. Joshua said earlier he still needs Clive. Jote is just another part of their family, literally and figuratively. "I'm glad you two found each other, then. She sounds..." Clive trails off, not quite sure how he feels about some cousin he's literally just heard about five minutes ago who also potentially could kick his ass. "Lovely." Not...the best descriptor, probably, but obe that came to mind all the same.
Loot at your brother's bright-bright eyes, Clive. Does he look, right here and now, miserable or unhappy or short-changed with what he has? No. He is happy that you have good health, and while he may get frustrated while he is ill, most of the time he deals with as matter of course. And lives. Lives. He'll infect you with that, yet.
For now, his eyes crinkle hard at the edges, though he tries to smooth his face into nonchalance. "I somehow feel like last night would have lacked some of its highlights if I'd shown up masked up." Beat. "Even if I'd worn one of my cute masks!"
He is going to do his best to distract, even if his efforts end up stilted. A little.
Joshua's effort is obvious, but Clive allows it, huffing out a little laugh that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I don't know. I would have been even more confused as to why some masked stranger had taken a sudden liking to me before I recognized you. That might have been funny." Later on, anyway, after the shock of a reunion and the guilt of getting a bar wrecked.
...Shit. That's another establishment he can never poke his nose in ever again, even if they don't ban him from the premises by some miracle. He would be far too embarrassed to show his face. Shame, really. Their prices are mostly decent.
Clive sniffs and takes a drink of his water. "What makes your masks 'cute'?" It's a legitimate question, his curiosity ever-present when it comes to his brother. But then his lips twitch with a sudden need for silliness, to tease like he sometimes did when they were younger, to varying degrees of success. "Besides being attached to your face, that is."
It's stupid. It's so stupid. He feels stupid before the words are even out of his mouth, but he still can't keep a straight face so he covers his mouth with a bandaged hand. As if that will help literally anything.
That part wasn't Joshua's fault but he'd still be tempted to apologize. For not knowing enough to try to resolve the situation better.
But maybe Clive can find a place over in the university town that will be nice, when he's visiting?
At the question, Joshua grins, and only pauses to duck his face with the blush at the comment on it before starting to unwind his long limbs from the chair to go grab his phone to show pictures. Not too many, but enough. There are a few masks with kitten whiskers, and a couple with very adorable birds.
None of them would have been any help for either recognition or alleviating the situation at the bar.
At least Joshua chooses not to call him out on his dumb joke. Small mercies. He watches as Joshua gets up from the table and finally realizes how he's gotten so tall. His kid brother is all legs.
He doesn't have a lot of fine to dwell on this before Joshua comes back woth his phone to show some pictures. The masks are cute and definitely something Joshua can pull off much better than he himself could. Clive tells Joshua as much, but also tries not to look too closely at any other pictures that aren't shared with him.
He likes his own privacy, after all, so he tries to extend the same courtesy to others, even though he wishes he could go through every moment Joshua has decided to document. There is so much he's missed and these glimpses probably don't even scratch the surface. They have time now, he tells himself, to catch up, but it still feels like it won't be enough.
Patience. He needs to be patient.
Clive takes another drink of his water. "Do you...want to see some pictures of Jill?" Including Clive, of course, but that's not the important part in Clive's mind.
Edited (Uh oh brother names are starting to become synonomous) Date: 2023-11-13 08:42 pm (UTC)
He chooses to grin over said joke, as well, but can't come up with a comeback that will not dissolve into things being ... less fun. So, pictures.
And, while they have been apart for a painfully long time, there are ways in which Clive hasn't changed at all, not for the brother who always adored him and watched him with absolute focus whenever he had the chance. He knows the signs of things that his brother feels, and forces himself to push down, push back, for reasons that Joshua could not well understand back then, but now seem much more transparent. At least... at least right now.
Joshua's smile turns softer, and excited.
"I'll love to - but these are right here and probably a lot fewer. Go ahead and go through them as you finish your breakfast, and then I can see what she looks like, too."
And while the beginning is certain and confident, as he finishes it fills him with wonder all over again. That he can see Jill. That he is next to his brother, that this is really real. And he reaches to gulp some water helplessly.
The pictures really aren't very many. Documenting his own life seems like such an opening for something to fall in the wrong hands, to reach the wrong people, the wrong person. The masks were just there because he wanted to ask Jote if she wanted some, too. There are a few from locations he has traveled to for work, again for her sake. A few, spaced out by others, of piles of books, one on the desk in his living room, one on his bedroom floor, one perched precariously on the back of his sofa. There are a few of Jote, though it's often in motion, while she's training or demonstrating her skills, so her face might be a little blurry, her hair, shorter and darker than Joshua's, most of what is visible. There are a couple of pictures downloaded from where Jote sent them to him, also not necessarily enough of his face shown to be immediately recognizable, but clearly of himself, one with head thrown back in laughter, another with his face elongated by wonder at a question.
And, at the end, a snuck picture of an arm, the hem of a pushed back white sleeve, and muscles rippling under fair skin in a way Joshua's absolutely could not, holding a glass of wine, no identification at all whose it is, and no more reason seeming for its existence by the beauty of it, and the setting sun's light playing along the pale colors.
Previous phones had more morbid pictures. Their graves, certainly. A hospital or five, possibly unintelligible one from the other. Empty spaces, too, longing to be filled with, he did not back then know what. But Clive is spared such sadness.
Clive nods and accepts this opportunity to sate his curiosity, just like he wanted. He tries not to look too eager, though, wiping his fingers on a napkin so he won't get pizza grease on Joshua's phone.
There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
"Ah..." Joshua's eyes are bright, but his cheeks also feel like burning. "Jote was telling a funny story which ended up with a rather absurd twist, and I couldn't help myself. She did it on purpose." But she knows better than to consider it blackmail material. Or, at least, she did. Things might change, now.
A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
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timeasmymeasure
You set yourself up for this one, Rose.
Date: 2023-10-23 05:04 am (UTC)"You're alive. We both are. That's what matters."
He swallows, thickly, and then adds, "I love you, Clive. Just as you are. Just as your life is. Nothing I might see, or learn, will change that."
You still are, always will be, the world to him, brother. The best and greatest of men.
But also he is beginning to see Dion's point about apologizing for things that don't need apologizing for. Just a little.
🤡
Date: 2023-10-23 05:59 am (UTC)Clive closes his eyes and breathes in, and out, and tells himself this same thing. That's what matters. He doesn't disagree because, despite all this emotional upheaval, this is the happiest he's been in years. Since Jill made her way back into his life, though that was eclipsed by...everything. He wishes he could look back on that time and feel anything other than horrible guilt.
That seems to be his life. Shadowed by all the misfortune that finds him and latches onto him. Peter Pan fought with keeping his shadow attached; Clive wishes he could be rid of the damn thing.
But they're alive, and that's what matters. Clive died once and yet still managed to scrape himself up from the grave, if under the guise of a new person. As much as he hurts, this isn't that drastic.
Joshua doesn't let up, still. He says exactly what Clive needs to hear and Clive responds with a sob, pulling a hand back to messily wipe under his eyes. "Dammit, Joshua," he chokes out, but shakes his head and laughs weakly. "I'm tired of crying." Something tells him he better get used to it, though.
He fights back the tears because it really is exhausting, and also because Gav could come back at any moment, and while he's not ashamed of being emotionally open, he doesn't have the energy to deal with his friend. He takes a few deep breaths and wraps his other arm around Joshua, pulling him close. "I love you, too. I never stopped. Not for a second."
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Date: 2023-10-23 09:41 am (UTC)Before Clive goes on and Joshua's breath catches, eyes brightening again.
"I never doubted you. Not for a moment." One hand comes up to cup his brother's cheek in turn, thumb brushing along the cheekbone.
"I only wish I could take away the pain right now, but... I think that will take time." Gently, he brushes the fringe away from Clive's eyes, but not tucking it away, even though his fingers fairly itch to set in the familiar way he used to wear it back then. But... he knows he doesn't want who his brother was. He wants who his brother is right now.
"I'm not going away, even if I will have to go back home eventually, so there is all the time in the world."
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Date: 2023-10-24 07:02 am (UTC)Or, just to let Joshua explore his face. He's not sure what's going through Joshua's head, but when he messes with his hair, Clive has an idea. It...causes him to tense up a little, thinking back to their childhood, though he doesn't mean to. But thinking of how their lives were back then... Everything may not have been better, exactly, but they still had each other and a semblance of home. How real that actually was, he can't say, but it felt safe enough.
They're not children anymore. The world hasn't been kind to them. But they have to keep pushing forward. Clive closes his eyes and leans slightly into Joshua's touch, hoping to reassure him that he's allowed to feel things. "Everything takes time. You can't just..." He lifts a hand to gesture at his bandaged cheek. "You can't just throw on a plaster and call it a day, as much as I wish that were so."
He sighs and opens his eyes again, though he can't meet Joshua's gaze for long. "As I am right now, I don't feel..." Clive considers his words. Joshua has just told him that he loves him no matter what, but he wants to be honest. Should he, though? Or will it make things worse? He lifts a hand to rake his fingers through Joshua's hair. "I want to say more, but I don't want to upset you again."
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Date: 2023-10-24 07:33 am (UTC)The words - the last part of them - send a chill down his spine, because there is much that he can hear that can upset him. But he braces himself, squaring his shoulder slightly, even as his eyes remain soft. And he manages a small smile.
"I can manage, especially with the warning. You don't have to hide, nor carry everything alone. And I won't turn away, no matter what it is."
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Date: 2023-10-24 08:17 am (UTC)Clive takes a breath and taps Joshua's nose. "You don't have to agree with me. I don't expect you to. I just... I want to be the brother you deserve to have again. But I don't feel like I'm worthy of that. It's been so long and I worry I've forgotten everything or...or you've outgrown me - "
Ah. As soon as those final words are out of his mouth, Clive shakes his head. "No, ignore that last part. I want to try better. I want to be better. I want you to be stuck with me. I just need you to know that I feel like a mess." Well, he pretty much stumbled his way through that, but...he hopes it at least makes things a little more transparent.
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Date: 2023-10-24 08:41 am (UTC)Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
He hears you, Clive.
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Date: 2023-10-24 10:56 am (UTC)Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:32 am (UTC)The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
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Date: 2023-10-26 09:12 am (UTC)Clive already feels paper-thin some days.
Still, he listens, even though it's difficult to hear how Joshua struggled. He really should have been there. Even if Clive in those following few years barely had an idea how to move forward, he should have been a rock for his little brother. Joshua probably would have served as an anchor for him in return.
But, again, they can't change any of that.
Clive takes a breath and swallows back the pain. Because this all hurts so much and Joshua's sudden reappearance in his life, while so wonderful and truly a blessing, also tears at old wounds. It's not Joshua's fault. It's no one's fault.
"I'm here now. I'm going to try to...exist...better." Whatever that means.
The reminder of the pizza's existence causes his stomach to growl and Clive presses a hand to it, as if that will retroactively silence it. "Right. I am starving." Time for round two. Clive claims a piece and, as he realized last night, trying to chew with a fucked up cheek is a lot harder than it has any right to be. He groans a little, despite slowly chewing, and ends up propping his forehead on his hand while he makes this effort.
Not long after, someone knocks on the door, but just long enough to announce their presence. Gav lets himself in again and beelines for the table. "Well, don't you look a sorry sight, Clint. Hey, again, Joshua!" Clive looks up and just stares at Gav, but then puts down the pizza and holds out his hand for the medication. Gav hands it over. "Right. The usual applies. No drinkin' alcohol, but do eat food with it. Once every six hours or some shite. You can read the fine print."
Pretty typical for painkillers. Clive will manage just fine. "Thanks, Gav. What do I owe you?" He opens the package and then the bottle, immediately taking the first dose.
Gav shakes his head. "Just get better, brother." That's...too generous. Clive sighs and points to the pizza and looks decisively at Gav. He tries to wave Clive off, but when he doesn't relent, Gav laughs a little. "All right, all right, if you insist. Just one for the road, eh?" He grabs a piece, holds it up in a salute, then sees himself out, the little apartment falling quiet once again.
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Date: 2023-10-26 11:37 am (UTC)He knows that things are sometimes not possible, and one doesn't have to apologize for them, but he also knows that, sometimes, the guilt is there, anyway. So, perhaps, hearing the forgiveness will help ease that.
Then he grins, stepping back so they can both focus on the pizza, and when Gav bursts in again, he grins, and manages an earnest, "thank you, Gav," in edgewise before the blond is out the door again. A head-tilt towards Clive.
"Do you start them now, since you're already having food, are you doing the noon-six-midnight-six which is easy to remember?"
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Date: 2023-11-01 10:57 pm (UTC)The words fall around him and over him and try to seep into his skin. Clive hopes they'll stick. So much of his life has been spent shedding words off his back like a duck rolls off water. He's had to. From the hurtful things their mother uttered in his presence so often to the hard words thrown at him to mold him into a soldier, Clive simply couldn't take things to heart. If he did, he would have crumbled ages ago.
It's why he's so awful at accepting compliments, too, though he knows the difference. It's just difficult, like everything else. He also knows that Joshua is well-meaning so he won't say anything else. He won't brush him off. He just...has to relearn how to be an older brother.
He wants to forgive himself. He wants to be able to look at his reflection or Jill or now Joshua and not be weighed down by guilt, by how he didn't do enough or he did too much.
But Clive is able to get through his daily life without much trouble, or too much adapting. His nerves today are wrecked, not least of all by Joshua's sudden reappearance, but Cid and Gav's surprise house call. But he breathes and gives the medicine bottle a quick shake, the remaining pills clicking together satisfyingly. "Already ahead of you. I don't have much of a pain tolerance today." No waiting around when he doesn't need to.
Another attempt is made to eat and it still hurts, but his hunger prevails this time. There is still so much he doesn't know, though. "Where are you living now?"
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Date: 2023-11-07 10:05 am (UTC)But if Clive can do it, his life will be easier, even if nothing physically changes. So, yes, he will hope and support and help, do as much as he can for his part. And, perhaps, one day things will get better. For Clive. (For both of them.)
He settles, chewing on a piece of pizza himself.
"Not very far, actually, though a couple of towns over, near my university - my being where I have my Ph.D. almost done, and technically work. It seemed prudent to stay close, even if I sometimes have to travel for the sake of research. An apartment, on my own, though Jote shows up pretty regularly. And now Dion, who moved in next door - which is how we met again." Happenstance that Joshua is extremely grateful for.
"... Jote was in the orphanage where I ended up. But later on it turned out she's a distant cousin, too. Four years younger than me. I think she'll be happy, to have more family. When you're ready to brave a lot of energy all at once."
He remembers Dion's look when she'd shown up, he'd been amused but trying to keep up, and Clive was lower energy yet. Might as well give warning.
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Date: 2023-11-08 10:31 am (UTC)Joshua continues, however, and Clive gives him the time and the space for it, still gingerly eating. It's a lot to take in, hearing how Joshua is really making something of himself, and then discovering yet another long-lost family member. It almost sounds impossible, but Clive knows Joshua wouldn't make this up, none of it. He runs his fingertips through his hair and lets out a breath. "My brother, a doctor. You always were smarter. What are you researching?"
As for this Jote... "I would like to meet her, just..." He points to the bandage on his face, as if it isn't the biggest distraction in the room, second only to Joshua and Clive existing in the same space again. "When this is healed enough. I'd prefer to be marginally cordial when making an impression on someone." And if she is as high-energy as Joshua makes her out to be, then she really shouldn't meet Clive in his current state.
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Date: 2023-11-10 09:38 am (UTC)He nudges Clive's knee with his own, gently. It's all right. Or... at least, it will be all right.
Although the next words make Joshua blink, and his cheeks heat up a little. "I wouldn't say smarter, I just had fewer distractions." It's harder to focus on studying and thinking alone when you have so much to do. While when staying home sick, the options are much more limited. "And even fewer for a while, so I got into the habit." He breathes out, then grins.
"And don't worry, if anything, Jote is used to me being ill and not really likely to spend time with anyone." His expression turns less amused, but remains fond. "I think she will be happy to have more family. She spent the beginning of her life without anyone. She's great at fighting, really."
Oh... so Jote and Dion and Clive can all fight... with varying willingness, of course. That is a slightly amusing thought, with only a twitch of bitterness that he can never be as active as them. He swallows it down easily with the next bite of pizza.
"But there is no rush. For anything. I just wanted to get to you as soon as I knew where."
Less time in the nightmare of thinking more was lost than truly was.
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Date: 2023-11-12 08:18 am (UTC)Then there's the reminder of Joshua's illness and Clive hates that, too. There is always something bearing over them, isn't there? Bitterly, Clive inwardly curses the universe that has kept their reunion from being as happy as it should be. Things are already shitty enough. Clive keeps this to himself, as well, though, and just chews slowly before asking, "You...still get sick pretty often, then?" He remembers the inhaler Joshua carries, which should be answer enough, but he wants to know for certain.
Jote, on the other hand, sounds like a handful. That's probably a good companion for Joshua to have, just so he doesn't risk falling into melancholy or something. Is he at risk of that? Fuck, Clive doesn't know. He'll have to ask Jote when they finally meet. Though now he fears he may end up asking so many questions it'll feel like an interrogation. Wouldn't that be an impression? Clive breathes out and runs his fingers through his hair. "Like I said, I want to meet her. As long as I'm not at risk of her fighting me."
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Date: 2023-11-12 10:01 am (UTC)"However, apparently living mostly as a hermit and not exchanging germs with a lot of people on a regular basis will put my immune system at less of a strain. Who'd have thought?" He actually gets ill less than he remembers doing as a child. "I don't always take the proper precautions still, as you can tell by the fact I wasn't masked up and all last night, but I do it most of the time when I'm going to places with a lot of people."
Would it be easier if his body was healthy? Absolutely. Is he living miserably and helplessly and unhappily because of how things are? No. He's found ways around it.
But then he immediately shakes his head. "She won't fight you! She's quick with her fists, but a lot of it after we met was her fighting people who were picking on me back before I knew.... anything, really. Then I learned how to talk to the other kids, and the adults, and she had less reasons to do any fighting. She just kept practicing - properly, as extracurriculars and all - and remained very good."
And Joshua learned to charm teeth out of people when he puts his mind to it, rather than need her to punch those same people's teeth loose. Not that he wants people's teeth! Ew.
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Date: 2023-11-12 06:00 pm (UTC)He just has to believe that Joshua knows his body well enough to take care of it and not do anything too reckless. Easier said than done, of course. But Clive is trying not to be overwhelming, either. He knows he hates when people fuss over him when he's feeling under the weather. Not that he has a lot of people to fuss. Jill is probably the one who does it the most, but Clive doesn't actually hate that so much.
Or something.
"I, uh, don't have any masks here, but I can get some." Now he feels kind of inconsiderate. "Your body probably isn't used to my...germs anymore." He's healthy and vaccinated, of course, but bodies can still be stupid.
The more he hears of Jote, though, the more he likes her. Or maybe just respects her. Anyone who protects Joshua is good in his book.
He tries not to dwell on this idea that she replaced him. Joshua said earlier he still needs Clive. Jote is just another part of their family, literally and figuratively. "I'm glad you two found each other, then. She sounds..." Clive trails off, not quite sure how he feels about some cousin he's literally just heard about five minutes ago who also potentially could kick his ass. "Lovely." Not...the best descriptor, probably, but obe that came to mind all the same.
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Date: 2023-11-12 11:29 pm (UTC)For now, his eyes crinkle hard at the edges, though he tries to smooth his face into nonchalance. "I somehow feel like last night would have lacked some of its highlights if I'd shown up masked up." Beat. "Even if I'd worn one of my cute masks!"
He is going to do his best to distract, even if his efforts end up stilted. A little.
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Date: 2023-11-13 12:23 am (UTC)...Shit. That's another establishment he can never poke his nose in ever again, even if they don't ban him from the premises by some miracle. He would be far too embarrassed to show his face. Shame, really. Their prices are mostly decent.
Clive sniffs and takes a drink of his water. "What makes your masks 'cute'?" It's a legitimate question, his curiosity ever-present when it comes to his brother. But then his lips twitch with a sudden need for silliness, to tease like he sometimes did when they were younger, to varying degrees of success. "Besides being attached to your face, that is."
It's stupid. It's so stupid. He feels stupid before the words are even out of his mouth, but he still can't keep a straight face so he covers his mouth with a bandaged hand. As if that will help literally anything.
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Date: 2023-11-13 07:29 am (UTC)But maybe Clive can find a place over in the university town that will be nice, when he's visiting?
At the question, Joshua grins, and only pauses to duck his face with the blush at the comment on it before starting to unwind his long limbs from the chair to go grab his phone to show pictures. Not too many, but enough. There are a few masks with kitten whiskers, and a couple with very adorable birds.
None of them would have been any help for either recognition or alleviating the situation at the bar.
But they are cute.
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Date: 2023-11-13 08:41 pm (UTC)He doesn't have a lot of fine to dwell on this before Joshua comes back woth his phone to show some pictures. The masks are cute and definitely something Joshua can pull off much better than he himself could. Clive tells Joshua as much, but also tries not to look too closely at any other pictures that aren't shared with him.
He likes his own privacy, after all, so he tries to extend the same courtesy to others, even though he wishes he could go through every moment Joshua has decided to document. There is so much he's missed and these glimpses probably don't even scratch the surface. They have time now, he tells himself, to catch up, but it still feels like it won't be enough.
Patience. He needs to be patient.
Clive takes another drink of his water. "Do you...want to see some pictures of Jill?" Including Clive, of course, but that's not the important part in Clive's mind.
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Date: 2023-11-13 11:34 pm (UTC)And, while they have been apart for a painfully long time, there are ways in which Clive hasn't changed at all, not for the brother who always adored him and watched him with absolute focus whenever he had the chance. He knows the signs of things that his brother feels, and forces himself to push down, push back, for reasons that Joshua could not well understand back then, but now seem much more transparent. At least... at least right now.
Joshua's smile turns softer, and excited.
"I'll love to - but these are right here and probably a lot fewer. Go ahead and go through them as you finish your breakfast, and then I can see what she looks like, too."
And while the beginning is certain and confident, as he finishes it fills him with wonder all over again. That he can see Jill. That he is next to his brother, that this is really real. And he reaches to gulp some water helplessly.
The pictures really aren't very many. Documenting his own life seems like such an opening for something to fall in the wrong hands, to reach the wrong people, the wrong person. The masks were just there because he wanted to ask Jote if she wanted some, too. There are a few from locations he has traveled to for work, again for her sake. A few, spaced out by others, of piles of books, one on the desk in his living room, one on his bedroom floor, one perched precariously on the back of his sofa. There are a few of Jote, though it's often in motion, while she's training or demonstrating her skills, so her face might be a little blurry, her hair, shorter and darker than Joshua's, most of what is visible. There are a couple of pictures downloaded from where Jote sent them to him, also not necessarily enough of his face shown to be immediately recognizable, but clearly of himself, one with head thrown back in laughter, another with his face elongated by wonder at a question.
And, at the end, a snuck picture of an arm, the hem of a pushed back white sleeve, and muscles rippling under fair skin in a way Joshua's absolutely could not, holding a glass of wine, no identification at all whose it is, and no more reason seeming for its existence by the beauty of it, and the setting sun's light playing along the pale colors.
Previous phones had more morbid pictures. Their graves, certainly. A hospital or five, possibly unintelligible one from the other. Empty spaces, too, longing to be filled with, he did not back then know what. But Clive is spared such sadness.
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Date: 2023-11-14 06:05 am (UTC)There are very few pictures of his brother, and even those that do exist leave very little to be seen. He smiles fondly at the books, even if he doesn't know what they are, but books can be comforting. When he gets to pictures of a woman, he asks if this is Jote, especially considering some shots seem to capture her practicing fighting. He lingers on them as if he'll be able to memorize her face. As if she'll suddenly appear on his doorstep tomorrow.
The picture of Joshua laughing, however, makes him pause the longest of all. Just...seeing his brother so inexplicably happy, despite not knowing the cause, makes him smile, too.
And then there's the final shot, which Clive doesn't understand, but it's clearly important to Joshua, so he doesn't comment on it. He goes back to the laughing picture and taps the table. "This is really nice," he says, little half-smile still in place.
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Date: 2023-11-14 01:05 pm (UTC)A small shrug. "I don't have that many pictures. It always felt... unsafe. To be trying to stay out of sight and yet document myself. Anything that is recorded can be found." And he has been...
Afraid. Little as he would like to admit it.
"Anyway. I can start taking more of them now. Though I make no promises for selfies."
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