And Joshua melts into Clive's hold just as readily as the previous times, breathing in with something that is still very much... relief.
"I'm glad, too." Into Clive's shoulder, and he only smiles at the hair ruffle, maybe ducking his head down a little but certainly not away.
He has missed these, too. All the ways of affection.
-- and then Clive follows up with that, and Joshua practically glows with joy. He wouldn't, couldn't, just invite himself into his brother's bed, not the first night (he has done so before, but that was a different time, a different life, and seeking comfort from a thunderstorm or a bad dream had felt... normal. Now it feels... odd. Because he both wants to reassure his brother that he is all right, and to cling to him and seek out and offer the comfort denied them for years), but he won't let his brother wonder whether he wants it or not.
"Thanks, brother. I will."
And he changes quickly, dipping into the bathroom to wash his face and at least rinse his mouth with water - or mouthwash, if Clive has any - before taking a deep breath and going into the bedroom to ... beeline for the bed. And more hugs, his posture as he settles just about identical to when he last snuck into his brother's bed, only with a lot longer limbs.
With sleeping arrangements decided, Clive goes through the apartment and grabs his phone from the table before turning out all the lights except the one in his bedroom. He should clean himself up more before going to bed, but he also doesn't really care right now. He's tired, the night's events and his body's abuse sapping all his energy.
So he sets his phone on his lamp table next to the bed and crawls in, curling on his right side so as not to disturb his bandaged cheek. It's easy enough to let his eyes fall closed as he waits for Joshua. His brother doesn't keep him waiting for long, though, and as soon as he feels the dip in the bed, Clive holds open an arm so Joshua can fit tucked close.
It's muscle memory more than active thinking on his part, his body kicking in for his already drowsy brain. How many times had they shared a bed like this? After numerous storms and bad dreams and far too many overheard arguments between their parents, it had been just as likely for Joshua to sleep in Clive's bed as it was his own. Sometimes Clive wished his brother would rely on him less, but he never did more than grumble while making room. Those early teenage years are hell on any boy and Clive had been no different. But while he would have liked his space, he knew that Joshua didn't really have anyone else.
And he loves his brother so much.
And then he didn't have him anymore.
He's here now, though, and Clive wraps his arm around Joshua, holding him close. "Hey." This is all so familiar and yet the space of years makes changes so very evident. "I still can't believe how tall you are."
Like coming home. Home where he has not been in near two thirds of his life. Home that was lost for so long, so painfully long. He has made a home for himself, now, in a way, but this is different. This is Clive, his Clive, right here, holding him, and nobody can blame him for being overwhelmed. All over again.
"I'm not taller than you. Everything's right in the world."
And if he answers a little too quickly, it's because he's sleepy and happy and content, right?
(And not because there was a time, when he thought it was only him left, that he realized that he was now older than Clive would ever be. That he had gotten taller than Clive would ever be.)
Joshua earns a sleepy little laugh in reply. There are more serious things to talk about upon this unexpected reunion. Things that Clive should ask just for the sake of knowing, like where Joshua has been all this time or how he survived the accident in the first place. They're important. Clive should be ready to fill in any blanks Joshua has regarding his own history, even if his brother seems to know quite a bit already.
But right now, commenting on something so silly as height is just...easier. It gives him yet another opportunity to hear Joshua's voice after all these years. Exhaustion grips him, too, and he simply doesn't have the energy to properly attend more serious talks.
"Good. At least let me have...that much..."
His voice trails off, even though he wants to stay awake longer and commit all these new moments with Joshua to memory. But his body is weaker than his will and sleep claims him.
"Anything. Everything." Just as sleepily. He still stays awake enough to watch Clive drift off, then closes his eye, listening to the evening out of his brother's breathing, a sound that is deeper and at the same time profoundly familiar, in a way that he hadn't tried to remember.
In a way that he hadn't dare to try to remember.
With this sorely missed sound, and the slightly strange familiarity of the warmth of his hold, he drifts off, also.
For once, he does not wake early, the emotions from the night before draining his body almost as badly as when he broke down on Dion, and when Clive stirs, he'll give a couple of coughs, but continue sleeping, at least a little longer.
Clive manages to sleep okay, considering. His body is a little on edge throughout the night, even if his mind lags behind, but if Joshua ever shifts or makes a noise, he is at least tangentially aware, just in case he needs to get up and do...something.
But he still catches some sleep.
At least until the painkillers wear off and his face starts to really hurt. And when nature calls.
Clive tries to get out of bed without jostling Joshua, and when his brother coughs, he gently runs his hands through his hair to calm him. Once satisfied that he can leave without issue, he leaves his room and immediately tenses for a moment when he sees two figures on his couch. It's just for a moment, though, because he recognizes them. Cid and Gav, each with a mug of coffee on the coffee table, though Clive frowns at the mug Gav has chosen. The cute one. With a moogle on it. But he sighs and closes his bedroom door and runs his fingers through his own hair.
"Please, come in, have some coffee. Hope you don't mind if I take a piss first thing in the morning." He doesn't give them time for a rebuttal, already on his way to the bathroom to do just as he needs, as well as take more painkillers. When he comes back, Cid is studying him and Clive panics for a second. "It's my day off, isn't it?" He's pretty sure he remembered correctly. Or else he wouldn't have gone to the bar the night before a work shift.
Cid shakes his head and takes a sip of his coffee. "It is, lad. That's not why we're here. Charon said you got a little roughed up last night. I'd say she was right. Gav came to check in on you." Gav, for his part, looks a little sheepish. Cid continues, hiding a smirk in another sip. "I think he saw something he wasn't expecting."
...What the fuck are they on about? His face? He lifts a hand to the edge of his bandage. "It should be fine in a couple of weeks. But I'll need to take some time off, now that you mention it." He looks back to Cid. "I have a doctor's note - "
Gav can't hold himself in check anymore and nearly shrieks, "You've got a man in your bed!" Cid snorts into his coffee and Clive just stares for a second. Gav continues. "I thought you had that whole thing goin' with Jill!"
...Seriously? Clive curses under his breath and takes Gav's coffee, ignoring his protests, and takes a big drink of it. "I'm cutting you off. And taking this mug back. It's not yours to use."
"I don't think," his words interrupted by a half-yawn as he steps out of the bedroom - clearly just waking up, but just as clearly fully clothed... in Clive's clothes, and with his inhaler in one hand, the other covering his mouth politely, "that thinking about you and Jill merits quite that much of a punishment. Even if I haven't had a chance to meet her in... nearly twenty years."
Joshua walks over to the chair he sat in last night, only this time sits sideways, one arm over the back of it, and pulls both of his bare feet on the seat, looking much like a perching, sleepy bird.
... and despite all the drowsy languidness in his motions, the questioning look he tries to give Clive is very, very much awake. Is it all right to say who I am? It would be up to his brother. Joshua could probably play it by ear--
Then again. Clive likely couldn't.
The older man is already straightening up in his seat, eyes narrowed and sharp at him, and Joshua fiddles with his inhaler, then settles it on the table.
"Last time he saw me, I was ten and he was fifteen. Chances that he would get any rest if I was not in arm's reach were pretty slim." Slow breath out. "That either of us would get any sleep."
No names, but just enough for someone who knew the story and "Clint"'s actual identity to figure it out.
Why is everyone suddenly so invested in his and Jill's friendship? It's too early for this.
Joshua is probably right, though. Even if Gav is using Jill's mug, it's not like she's here to use it, nor does Clive have many to choose from. He lets out a breath and sets down their now shared Jill mug back on the coffee table before settling himself down on the floor on the other side of it.
He catches how Cid eyes up Joshua wordlessly and knows his boss is putting pieces together. Ove rather past year, Clive has told him a little of his childhood and the accident, but Cid managed to call him out beforehand. Gav, on the other hand, knows enough to be dangerous and isn't stupid by any means,but Cid is simply quicker on the draw.
There's no reason to be secretive. Clive points to his guests in turn as he introduces them. "Cid is my boss, Gav is a coworker." Then he gestures toward Joshua. "Joshua is my brother."
Cid remains silent, but Gav pipes up. "Eh? But you don't have a brother - " And then he catches himself and his eyes go wide. "Ohhh, fuck me, this really ain't the Jill thing!"
Maybe it's his face all but screaming at him that makes Clive put his head down on the coffee table. Maybe it's the rush of caffeine from the swig he stole of Gav's coffee - would it kill the man to put some sweetener in it? Clive mumbles against the wood. "There is no Jill thing." But he gathers himself and raises his head again, looking at Joshua. "Did we wake you?"
Joshua's lips quick in a helpless, soft smile at Clive, then gives a little wave at the guests at being introduced.
Then his eyes crinkle a little at Gav's reaction, and before things can devolve into the sinking realization of the sadness of it all, he lets his eyes go down and then up the blond's figure.
"Not quite my type."
Making Gav sputter and Cid actually laugh, gravelly and sharp and real.
Then Joshua gets up, to get two bottles of water, one for himself and the other one left on the coffee table next to the coffee mug... this time, he remembers to open it for him.
"I was mostly awake, don't worry. Usually I'm up by this hour, last night was just... a lot. If you give me the prescription, I can go hunt down the nearest pharmacy and get that filled for you."
Clive barely has time to react to the conversation happening around him. Joshua, on the other hand, is so quick and it takes him off-guard, too. Gav's cursing is so normal that it hardly registers to Clive's ears, so to hear someone - his brother! - answer so easily is just...
He shakes his head, but looks up as Joshua sets the bottle of water next to him. And he's even opened it for him, even though Clive could manage on his own, as he did the night before. But it's comforting, not least of all because Joshua is still here. None of this was a strange fever dream or the effects of having too many drinks. He offers his brother a one-sided smile, but it disappears nearly as quickly. The idea of Joshua wandering this city on his own...
Before he can protest, though, Gav gathers himself and drinks more of his coffee before getting off the couch to approach the dining room table. "That probably isn't the best idea. This part of town ain't the safest." Clive catches his eye, and the little smirk he throws his way, and feels a surge of appreciation for the other man. Gav looks through the discharge papers on the table and takes what's necessary. "I'll get this sorted for ya, all right? Just take it easy." And with that, he's out the door.
Which leaves Cid, who smiles softly at Clive before getting up, himself. "You said a couple of weeks? Take three." He finishes his mug of coffee and claps a hand on Clive's shoulder as he passes him on his way to the kitchen. "Looks like you'll need it." He rinses the mug out and sets it on the counter before turning to Joshua. "Pleasure meeting you. I trust you'll keep an eye on this one while you're visiting." Cid plucks a cigarette from his pack and gestures toward Clive with it. "He can get lost in his head sometimes."
It's too early for everyone to throw him under the bus, so to speak, and Clive sighs. "Cid - "
But the older man waves at them both before he, too, shows himself out.
"I will do that. Thank you for giving him the consideration."
He will be waiting for Gav to come back, too, but, for now, he'll just drop down next to Clive and wrap himself around him, going limp for a few moments just. Holding on.
"I take it they startled you. But they very definitely care about you."
It's a good thing.
But with the way Clive had put his head on the table, Joshua can... understand. Very well.
"When the painkillers kick in, we can see about that pizza from last night."
He's not allowed to be on a diet of medication and coffee.
Joshua's hug is accepted easily and Clive wraps an arm around him in turn. "It's not that they startled me. Either of them showing up unannounced isn't new, though they don't usually come together." With his free hand, Clive grabs Gav's coffee for another drink, grimacing a little from the bitterness. "Everything's just...a lot right now." And then all the teasing about Jill... Clive doesn't voice that. He doesn't want Joshua to join the chorus.
"Cid's been especially good to me. He runs a shop a couple blocks down and hires people who really need the work but are overlooked by others for whatever reason. Usually a stain on their record. He's good at judging character and Gav helps sniff out anything suspicious." Clive pauses, hesitating. "I...don't mean to sound dramatic, but...they saved my life. I can never repay them for it "
He puts the mug down and lazily traces the picture of the moogle with his index finger. Joshua is right, again. He needs to eat. They both do, after last night. Still, Clive can't help but smile. "Pizza for breakfast. It's every kid's dream." He wants to say more, like how there were a couple of instances he remembers when their father let them get away with it, much to their mother's disgust. The memories are mostly happy, though tinged with sadness, as well as regret.
There had been many a time, especially after he came to terms with the accident and his mother's probable role in it, when Clive wondered if things would have turned out differently if he had just been a better son. It's fruitless, of course; he was a child, as was Joshua, and their mother didn't treat any of them the way she should have. But it still hurts.
It will always hurt.
The longer they sit there, though, the more it seems Cid was right. Clive really does have a habit of getting lost in his own head.
Which is why, as much as Joshua would love to just sit like this for just about ever, he is far too aware of the weird tension in his brother's body, and, yes, Cid's words were not unnoticed.
"Brother." Softly, but raising his head to look at him properly. "Food, waiting for Gav, and then we can just go back to bed. Your floor is lovely but not great for you right now, all right?"
He gives Clive a squeeze, and gets up to, uh. Well, first quickly visit the toilet himself, then wash up and get the pizza warmed up.
for a moment, just a moment, he wonders if his brother wouldn't have been better if Joshua hadn't showed up, but he shuts that down, fully aware that he's also emotionally stretched thin and extremely worried, and yes, then things would have been less overwhelming, but...
More alone. Even if Cid and Gav likely would have come over anyway.
"On days when nothing's being too much, what do you like for breakfast?"
There. That should be an easy enough question to get Clive out of his head a little.
...Right. Right. Clive raises a hand to rub at his eyes before pushing himself up a moment later. As emotionally exhausted as he is, Joshua is still his guest at the very least. He can't just let himself sit here while the world continues on around him. He's one man. Nothing will stop for him.
He carries the coffee mug into the kitchen with him and finishes it off. Should he be drinking this much right now? Probably not. But by the time Gav gets back it would have gone cold anyway, so he's simply doing his friend a favor. Or something.
He'll surely regret this later.
Coffee drank, he rinses out the mug and silently bemoans not having a dishwasher. This isn't something that normally bothers him, but since his hands will be out of commission for a few days at least, it will make thing more difficult. The upside is he doesn't have too many dishes, so they shouldn't pile up uncontrollably.
As Joshua readies the pizza, Clive grabs the helpfully provided water and sits at the table. Easy conversation is fine. Good, even. Hearing Joshua's voice is even better, even if Clive still has to get used to how much deeper it has become. "I eat a lot of toast. With jam, when I have it. Or just porridge." He pauses. "I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I manage fine."
A guest sounds so... strange. So different than how they had been, before everything happened, and Joshua would be taken aback at being thought of as such...
... and then would have recognized that he himself would be hard pressed to persuade himself to just show up and make himself tea here, and that would align in a way he could not really object to but ...
Hurts. It hurts, all the same. The distance and the strangeness, foreignness, between them.
Which is brought to a head by how Clive ends up trying to justify his breakfast choices, and, really. Joshua wipes his hands to come hold his brother's shoulders.
"I wasn't going to question it, all right? I was actually thinking that's a lot of my mornings, too, and I don't see anything wrong with it."
But Clive clearly does, and Joshua is helpless about making his brother reexamine seemingly every aspect of his life and trying to put his best foot forward only to find that it doesn't match up with what it should be like, and Joshua just breathes out softly, his voice gentle but certain.
"I just want to know about you and your life. Not judge you or seek ways to see it as not matching up to something that isn't and can't be real, or pity you. Knowing you as you, as you are now, is precious to me. You don't have to explain or justify or defend any part of it, not to me."
He can't stop Clive from needing to justify it to himself, Joshua knows. He simply really, really wants Clive to be all right. Without 'but' or 'still' or 'however' s to it.
Such justifications are normal to Clive. He tells himself these sorts of things to make it through the day. He doesn't always eat a lot or well because he has to save his money, but it's okay because he's still healthy enough. He doesn't always sleep well, but that makes working nights easier. He knows they're excuses, but he doesn't always have the means to make his life better, so...he settles.
At the end of the day, he's alive and he should he grateful for that. And he is, even if his life is far from the one he thought he'd have when he was fifteen. He's especially grateful to be alive now because Joshua is alive, too. Clive just isn't ready for his brother to stop him in his tracks.
He can only watch him with wide eyes and a useless tongue while Joshua speaks. Those words cut straight into him and Clive's chest aches with...grief? Love? More regret? The last time anyone spoke to him like this was when Cid interviewed him for his job. The intent had been different, of course, but he wanted to know what Clive was like as a person, regardless of that bloodstain on his record that screamed MURDERER to everyone else.
He hadn't trusted Cid at first. Plenty of employers said they'd consider him, but no one really did. He understood why, even if every ghosting made him panic more and more as his bank account dwindled. But Cid wasn't full of shit, it turns out.
And he knows, so deeply in his heart, that neither is Joshua. Joshua always looked up to him, looked at Clive like he was the entire world. Clive couldn't have explained why, but he recognized it. And now he's here, so many years later, and he feels like a handful of dirt would be a more apt comparison. He wants to explain this, but that would defeat the purpose, right?
So he stays silent for a few moments after, swallowing thickly and looking away until he works up the courage to meet Joshua's gaze again. He raises his hands to rest them on Joshua's cheeks and says, quietly, "I'm sorry." Without another word, he brings their foreheads together and let's himself breathe.
Joshua's arms come up to holding Clive an the bandaged hands are on his face, their foreheads leaning together, his breath catching painfully at Clive's reaction. His own head presses a little into that lean.
"You're alive. We both are. That's what matters."
He swallows, thickly, and then adds, "I love you, Clive. Just as you are. Just as your life is. Nothing I might see, or learn, will change that."
You still are, always will be, the world to him, brother. The best and greatest of men.
But also he is beginning to see Dion's point about apologizing for things that don't need apologizing for. Just a little.
Clive closes his eyes and breathes in, and out, and tells himself this same thing. That's what matters. He doesn't disagree because, despite all this emotional upheaval, this is the happiest he's been in years. Since Jill made her way back into his life, though that was eclipsed by...everything. He wishes he could look back on that time and feel anything other than horrible guilt.
That seems to be his life. Shadowed by all the misfortune that finds him and latches onto him. Peter Pan fought with keeping his shadow attached; Clive wishes he could be rid of the damn thing.
But they're alive, and that's what matters. Clive died once and yet still managed to scrape himself up from the grave, if under the guise of a new person. As much as he hurts, this isn't that drastic.
Joshua doesn't let up, still. He says exactly what Clive needs to hear and Clive responds with a sob, pulling a hand back to messily wipe under his eyes. "Dammit, Joshua," he chokes out, but shakes his head and laughs weakly. "I'm tired of crying." Something tells him he better get used to it, though.
He fights back the tears because it really is exhausting, and also because Gav could come back at any moment, and while he's not ashamed of being emotionally open, he doesn't have the energy to deal with his friend. He takes a few deep breaths and wraps his other arm around Joshua, pulling him close. "I love you, too. I never stopped. Not for a second."
"Sorry..." Joshua's hold of his brother tightens, though, even if his eyes widen with the apology he does mean--
Before Clive goes on and Joshua's breath catches, eyes brightening again.
"I never doubted you. Not for a moment." One hand comes up to cup his brother's cheek in turn, thumb brushing along the cheekbone.
"I only wish I could take away the pain right now, but... I think that will take time." Gently, he brushes the fringe away from Clive's eyes, but not tucking it away, even though his fingers fairly itch to set in the familiar way he used to wear it back then. But... he knows he doesn't want who his brother was. He wants who his brother is right now.
"I'm not going away, even if I will have to go back home eventually, so there is all the time in the world."
There is a lot that hurts right now, not least of all his face. He hopes Gav gets back soon, but also not in the middle of this moment with Joshua. While the physical pain certainly bothers him, Clive can push that aside long enough to pay attention to his brother.
Or, just to let Joshua explore his face. He's not sure what's going through Joshua's head, but when he messes with his hair, Clive has an idea. It...causes him to tense up a little, thinking back to their childhood, though he doesn't mean to. But thinking of how their lives were back then... Everything may not have been better, exactly, but they still had each other and a semblance of home. How real that actually was, he can't say, but it felt safe enough.
They're not children anymore. The world hasn't been kind to them. But they have to keep pushing forward. Clive closes his eyes and leans slightly into Joshua's touch, hoping to reassure him that he's allowed to feel things. "Everything takes time. You can't just..." He lifts a hand to gesture at his bandaged cheek. "You can't just throw on a plaster and call it a day, as much as I wish that were so."
He sighs and opens his eyes again, though he can't meet Joshua's gaze for long. "As I am right now, I don't feel..." Clive considers his words. Joshua has just told him that he loves him no matter what, but he wants to be honest. Should he, though? Or will it make things worse? He lifts a hand to rake his fingers through Joshua's hair. "I want to say more, but I don't want to upset you again."
Joshua leans into that touch, in turn, very definitely enjoying the familiar-unfamiliar contact with his brother. It's not the head-pat that used to be, but it's just as close and dear. And he's missed this. More profoundly than he's ever dared to admit even to himself.
The words - the last part of them - send a chill down his spine, because there is much that he can hear that can upset him. But he braces himself, squaring his shoulder slightly, even as his eyes remain soft. And he manages a small smile.
"I can manage, especially with the warning. You don't have to hide, nor carry everything alone. And I won't turn away, no matter what it is."
Joshua is an adult. Clive doesn't know the half of what he's experienced in the years they've been apart, but realistically he must have tasted his fair share of what it means to grow up. Good, bad, the in-between. Not that Clive is going to dump all the tragedies he's seen on his little brother. He really does just want to be honest and clear the air between them. It's better than bottling things up forever.
Clive takes a breath and taps Joshua's nose. "You don't have to agree with me. I don't expect you to. I just... I want to be the brother you deserve to have again. But I don't feel like I'm worthy of that. It's been so long and I worry I've forgotten everything or...or you've outgrown me - "
Ah. As soon as those final words are out of his mouth, Clive shakes his head. "No, ignore that last part. I want to try better. I want to be better. I want you to be stuck with me. I just need you to know that I feel like a mess." Well, he pretty much stumbled his way through that, but...he hopes it at least makes things a little more transparent.
Joshua's eyes cross for a moment as he follows the finger tapping his nose, but then he focuses on Clive again, listening attentively. His eyebrows twitch slightly, but there isn't any visible sign of upset, because that's not what he's feeling. Instead, his mind is whirling trying to figure the situation out.
Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
Joshua...doesn't react the way Clive expects. The smile, for starters, takes him by surprise. Yes, he tried to make his feelings palatable, however honest, but he doesn't think it was a happy statement. He's being harsh to himself. Shouldn't Joshua be angry with him?
Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-10-08 08:38 pm (UTC)"I'm glad, too." Into Clive's shoulder, and he only smiles at the hair ruffle, maybe ducking his head down a little but certainly not away.
He has missed these, too. All the ways of affection.
-- and then Clive follows up with that, and Joshua practically glows with joy. He wouldn't, couldn't, just invite himself into his brother's bed, not the first night (he has done so before, but that was a different time, a different life, and seeking comfort from a thunderstorm or a bad dream had felt... normal. Now it feels... odd. Because he both wants to reassure his brother that he is all right, and to cling to him and seek out and offer the comfort denied them for years), but he won't let his brother wonder whether he wants it or not.
"Thanks, brother. I will."
And he changes quickly, dipping into the bathroom to wash his face and at least rinse his mouth with water - or mouthwash, if Clive has any - before taking a deep breath and going into the bedroom to ... beeline for the bed. And more hugs, his posture as he settles just about identical to when he last snuck into his brother's bed, only with a lot longer limbs.
"I'm here."
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Date: 2023-10-08 09:22 pm (UTC)So he sets his phone on his lamp table next to the bed and crawls in, curling on his right side so as not to disturb his bandaged cheek. It's easy enough to let his eyes fall closed as he waits for Joshua. His brother doesn't keep him waiting for long, though, and as soon as he feels the dip in the bed, Clive holds open an arm so Joshua can fit tucked close.
It's muscle memory more than active thinking on his part, his body kicking in for his already drowsy brain. How many times had they shared a bed like this? After numerous storms and bad dreams and far too many overheard arguments between their parents, it had been just as likely for Joshua to sleep in Clive's bed as it was his own. Sometimes Clive wished his brother would rely on him less, but he never did more than grumble while making room. Those early teenage years are hell on any boy and Clive had been no different. But while he would have liked his space, he knew that Joshua didn't really have anyone else.
And he loves his brother so much.
And then he didn't have him anymore.
He's here now, though, and Clive wraps his arm around Joshua, holding him close. "Hey." This is all so familiar and yet the space of years makes changes so very evident. "I still can't believe how tall you are."
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Date: 2023-10-10 04:55 am (UTC)Like coming home. Home where he has not been in near two thirds of his life. Home that was lost for so long, so painfully long. He has made a home for himself, now, in a way, but this is different. This is Clive, his Clive, right here, holding him, and nobody can blame him for being overwhelmed. All over again.
"I'm not taller than you. Everything's right in the world."
And if he answers a little too quickly, it's because he's sleepy and happy and content, right?
(And not because there was a time, when he thought it was only him left, that he realized that he was now older than Clive would ever be. That he had gotten taller than Clive would ever be.)
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Date: 2023-10-12 08:58 am (UTC)But right now, commenting on something so silly as height is just...easier. It gives him yet another opportunity to hear Joshua's voice after all these years. Exhaustion grips him, too, and he simply doesn't have the energy to properly attend more serious talks.
"Good. At least let me have...that much..."
His voice trails off, even though he wants to stay awake longer and commit all these new moments with Joshua to memory. But his body is weaker than his will and sleep claims him.
going with clive wakes up to company in the living room, lmk if i should change
Date: 2023-10-13 08:54 am (UTC)In a way that he hadn't dare to try to remember.
With this sorely missed sound, and the slightly strange familiarity of the warmth of his hold, he drifts off, also.
For once, he does not wake early, the emotions from the night before draining his body almost as badly as when he broke down on Dion, and when Clive stirs, he'll give a couple of coughs, but continue sleeping, at least a little longer.
it's perfect bb
Date: 2023-10-13 04:54 pm (UTC)But he still catches some sleep.
At least until the painkillers wear off and his face starts to really hurt. And when nature calls.
Clive tries to get out of bed without jostling Joshua, and when his brother coughs, he gently runs his hands through his hair to calm him. Once satisfied that he can leave without issue, he leaves his room and immediately tenses for a moment when he sees two figures on his couch. It's just for a moment, though, because he recognizes them. Cid and Gav, each with a mug of coffee on the coffee table, though Clive frowns at the mug Gav has chosen. The cute one. With a moogle on it. But he sighs and closes his bedroom door and runs his fingers through his own hair.
"Please, come in, have some coffee. Hope you don't mind if I take a piss first thing in the morning." He doesn't give them time for a rebuttal, already on his way to the bathroom to do just as he needs, as well as take more painkillers. When he comes back, Cid is studying him and Clive panics for a second. "It's my day off, isn't it?" He's pretty sure he remembered correctly. Or else he wouldn't have gone to the bar the night before a work shift.
Cid shakes his head and takes a sip of his coffee. "It is, lad. That's not why we're here. Charon said you got a little roughed up last night. I'd say she was right. Gav came to check in on you." Gav, for his part, looks a little sheepish. Cid continues, hiding a smirk in another sip. "I think he saw something he wasn't expecting."
...What the fuck are they on about? His face? He lifts a hand to the edge of his bandage. "It should be fine in a couple of weeks. But I'll need to take some time off, now that you mention it." He looks back to Cid. "I have a doctor's note - "
Gav can't hold himself in check anymore and nearly shrieks, "You've got a man in your bed!" Cid snorts into his coffee and Clive just stares for a second. Gav continues. "I thought you had that whole thing goin' with Jill!"
...Seriously? Clive curses under his breath and takes Gav's coffee, ignoring his protests, and takes a big drink of it. "I'm cutting you off. And taking this mug back. It's not yours to use."
yasss
Date: 2023-10-13 05:33 pm (UTC)Joshua walks over to the chair he sat in last night, only this time sits sideways, one arm over the back of it, and pulls both of his bare feet on the seat, looking much like a perching, sleepy bird.
... and despite all the drowsy languidness in his motions, the questioning look he tries to give Clive is very, very much awake. Is it all right to say who I am? It would be up to his brother. Joshua could probably play it by ear--
Then again. Clive likely couldn't.
The older man is already straightening up in his seat, eyes narrowed and sharp at him, and Joshua fiddles with his inhaler, then settles it on the table.
"Last time he saw me, I was ten and he was fifteen. Chances that he would get any rest if I was not in arm's reach were pretty slim." Slow breath out. "That either of us would get any sleep."
No names, but just enough for someone who knew the story and "Clint"'s actual identity to figure it out.
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Date: 2023-10-13 09:47 pm (UTC)Joshua is probably right, though. Even if Gav is using Jill's mug, it's not like she's here to use it, nor does Clive have many to choose from. He lets out a breath and sets down their now shared Jill mug back on the coffee table before settling himself down on the floor on the other side of it.
He catches how Cid eyes up Joshua wordlessly and knows his boss is putting pieces together. Ove rather past year, Clive has told him a little of his childhood and the accident, but Cid managed to call him out beforehand. Gav, on the other hand, knows enough to be dangerous and isn't stupid by any means,but Cid is simply quicker on the draw.
There's no reason to be secretive. Clive points to his guests in turn as he introduces them. "Cid is my boss, Gav is a coworker." Then he gestures toward Joshua. "Joshua is my brother."
Cid remains silent, but Gav pipes up. "Eh? But you don't have a brother - " And then he catches himself and his eyes go wide. "Ohhh, fuck me, this really ain't the Jill thing!"
Maybe it's his face all but screaming at him that makes Clive put his head down on the coffee table. Maybe it's the rush of caffeine from the swig he stole of Gav's coffee - would it kill the man to put some sweetener in it? Clive mumbles against the wood. "There is no Jill thing." But he gathers himself and raises his head again, looking at Joshua. "Did we wake you?"
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Date: 2023-10-14 08:39 am (UTC)Then his eyes crinkle a little at Gav's reaction, and before things can devolve into the sinking realization of the sadness of it all, he lets his eyes go down and then up the blond's figure.
"Not quite my type."
Making Gav sputter and Cid actually laugh, gravelly and sharp and real.
Then Joshua gets up, to get two bottles of water, one for himself and the other one left on the coffee table next to the coffee mug... this time, he remembers to open it for him.
"I was mostly awake, don't worry. Usually I'm up by this hour, last night was just... a lot. If you give me the prescription, I can go hunt down the nearest pharmacy and get that filled for you."
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Date: 2023-10-22 07:23 am (UTC)He shakes his head, but looks up as Joshua sets the bottle of water next to him. And he's even opened it for him, even though Clive could manage on his own, as he did the night before. But it's comforting, not least of all because Joshua is still here. None of this was a strange fever dream or the effects of having too many drinks. He offers his brother a one-sided smile, but it disappears nearly as quickly. The idea of Joshua wandering this city on his own...
Before he can protest, though, Gav gathers himself and drinks more of his coffee before getting off the couch to approach the dining room table. "That probably isn't the best idea. This part of town ain't the safest." Clive catches his eye, and the little smirk he throws his way, and feels a surge of appreciation for the other man. Gav looks through the discharge papers on the table and takes what's necessary. "I'll get this sorted for ya, all right? Just take it easy." And with that, he's out the door.
Which leaves Cid, who smiles softly at Clive before getting up, himself. "You said a couple of weeks? Take three." He finishes his mug of coffee and claps a hand on Clive's shoulder as he passes him on his way to the kitchen. "Looks like you'll need it." He rinses the mug out and sets it on the counter before turning to Joshua. "Pleasure meeting you. I trust you'll keep an eye on this one while you're visiting." Cid plucks a cigarette from his pack and gestures toward Clive with it. "He can get lost in his head sometimes."
It's too early for everyone to throw him under the bus, so to speak, and Clive sighs. "Cid - "
But the older man waves at them both before he, too, shows himself out.
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Date: 2023-10-22 05:18 pm (UTC)"I will do that. Thank you for giving him the consideration."
He will be waiting for Gav to come back, too, but, for now, he'll just drop down next to Clive and wrap himself around him, going limp for a few moments just. Holding on.
"I take it they startled you. But they very definitely care about you."
It's a good thing.
But with the way Clive had put his head on the table, Joshua can... understand. Very well.
"When the painkillers kick in, we can see about that pizza from last night."
He's not allowed to be on a diet of medication and coffee.
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Date: 2023-10-22 06:16 pm (UTC)"Cid's been especially good to me. He runs a shop a couple blocks down and hires people who really need the work but are overlooked by others for whatever reason. Usually a stain on their record. He's good at judging character and Gav helps sniff out anything suspicious." Clive pauses, hesitating. "I...don't mean to sound dramatic, but...they saved my life. I can never repay them for it "
He puts the mug down and lazily traces the picture of the moogle with his index finger. Joshua is right, again. He needs to eat. They both do, after last night. Still, Clive can't help but smile. "Pizza for breakfast. It's every kid's dream." He wants to say more, like how there were a couple of instances he remembers when their father let them get away with it, much to their mother's disgust. The memories are mostly happy, though tinged with sadness, as well as regret.
There had been many a time, especially after he came to terms with the accident and his mother's probable role in it, when Clive wondered if things would have turned out differently if he had just been a better son. It's fruitless, of course; he was a child, as was Joshua, and their mother didn't treat any of them the way she should have. But it still hurts.
It will always hurt.
The longer they sit there, though, the more it seems Cid was right. Clive really does have a habit of getting lost in his own head.
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Date: 2023-10-22 06:57 pm (UTC)"Brother." Softly, but raising his head to look at him properly. "Food, waiting for Gav, and then we can just go back to bed. Your floor is lovely but not great for you right now, all right?"
He gives Clive a squeeze, and gets up to, uh. Well, first quickly visit the toilet himself, then wash up and get the pizza warmed up.
for a moment, just a moment, he wonders if his brother wouldn't have been better if Joshua hadn't showed up, but he shuts that down, fully aware that he's also emotionally stretched thin and extremely worried, and yes, then things would have been less overwhelming, but...
More alone. Even if Cid and Gav likely would have come over anyway.
"On days when nothing's being too much, what do you like for breakfast?"
There. That should be an easy enough question to get Clive out of his head a little.
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Date: 2023-10-22 08:12 pm (UTC)He carries the coffee mug into the kitchen with him and finishes it off. Should he be drinking this much right now? Probably not. But by the time Gav gets back it would have gone cold anyway, so he's simply doing his friend a favor. Or something.
He'll surely regret this later.
Coffee drank, he rinses out the mug and silently bemoans not having a dishwasher. This isn't something that normally bothers him, but since his hands will be out of commission for a few days at least, it will make thing more difficult. The upside is he doesn't have too many dishes, so they shouldn't pile up uncontrollably.
As Joshua readies the pizza, Clive grabs the helpfully provided water and sits at the table. Easy conversation is fine. Good, even. Hearing Joshua's voice is even better, even if Clive still has to get used to how much deeper it has become. "I eat a lot of toast. With jam, when I have it. Or just porridge." He pauses. "I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I manage fine."
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Date: 2023-10-22 09:14 pm (UTC)... and then would have recognized that he himself would be hard pressed to persuade himself to just show up and make himself tea here, and that would align in a way he could not really object to but ...
Hurts. It hurts, all the same. The distance and the strangeness, foreignness, between them.
Which is brought to a head by how Clive ends up trying to justify his breakfast choices, and, really. Joshua wipes his hands to come hold his brother's shoulders.
"I wasn't going to question it, all right? I was actually thinking that's a lot of my mornings, too, and I don't see anything wrong with it."
But Clive clearly does, and Joshua is helpless about making his brother reexamine seemingly every aspect of his life and trying to put his best foot forward only to find that it doesn't match up with what it should be like, and Joshua just breathes out softly, his voice gentle but certain.
"I just want to know about you and your life. Not judge you or seek ways to see it as not matching up to something that isn't and can't be real, or pity you. Knowing you as you, as you are now, is precious to me. You don't have to explain or justify or defend any part of it, not to me."
He can't stop Clive from needing to justify it to himself, Joshua knows. He simply really, really wants Clive to be all right. Without 'but' or 'still' or 'however' s to it.
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Date: 2023-10-22 10:49 pm (UTC)At the end of the day, he's alive and he should he grateful for that. And he is, even if his life is far from the one he thought he'd have when he was fifteen. He's especially grateful to be alive now because Joshua is alive, too. Clive just isn't ready for his brother to stop him in his tracks.
He can only watch him with wide eyes and a useless tongue while Joshua speaks. Those words cut straight into him and Clive's chest aches with...grief? Love? More regret? The last time anyone spoke to him like this was when Cid interviewed him for his job. The intent had been different, of course, but he wanted to know what Clive was like as a person, regardless of that bloodstain on his record that screamed MURDERER to everyone else.
He hadn't trusted Cid at first. Plenty of employers said they'd consider him, but no one really did. He understood why, even if every ghosting made him panic more and more as his bank account dwindled. But Cid wasn't full of shit, it turns out.
And he knows, so deeply in his heart, that neither is Joshua. Joshua always looked up to him, looked at Clive like he was the entire world. Clive couldn't have explained why, but he recognized it. And now he's here, so many years later, and he feels like a handful of dirt would be a more apt comparison. He wants to explain this, but that would defeat the purpose, right?
So he stays silent for a few moments after, swallowing thickly and looking away until he works up the courage to meet Joshua's gaze again. He raises his hands to rest them on Joshua's cheeks and says, quietly, "I'm sorry." Without another word, he brings their foreheads together and let's himself breathe.
You set yourself up for this one, Rose.
Date: 2023-10-23 05:04 am (UTC)"You're alive. We both are. That's what matters."
He swallows, thickly, and then adds, "I love you, Clive. Just as you are. Just as your life is. Nothing I might see, or learn, will change that."
You still are, always will be, the world to him, brother. The best and greatest of men.
But also he is beginning to see Dion's point about apologizing for things that don't need apologizing for. Just a little.
🤡
Date: 2023-10-23 05:59 am (UTC)Clive closes his eyes and breathes in, and out, and tells himself this same thing. That's what matters. He doesn't disagree because, despite all this emotional upheaval, this is the happiest he's been in years. Since Jill made her way back into his life, though that was eclipsed by...everything. He wishes he could look back on that time and feel anything other than horrible guilt.
That seems to be his life. Shadowed by all the misfortune that finds him and latches onto him. Peter Pan fought with keeping his shadow attached; Clive wishes he could be rid of the damn thing.
But they're alive, and that's what matters. Clive died once and yet still managed to scrape himself up from the grave, if under the guise of a new person. As much as he hurts, this isn't that drastic.
Joshua doesn't let up, still. He says exactly what Clive needs to hear and Clive responds with a sob, pulling a hand back to messily wipe under his eyes. "Dammit, Joshua," he chokes out, but shakes his head and laughs weakly. "I'm tired of crying." Something tells him he better get used to it, though.
He fights back the tears because it really is exhausting, and also because Gav could come back at any moment, and while he's not ashamed of being emotionally open, he doesn't have the energy to deal with his friend. He takes a few deep breaths and wraps his other arm around Joshua, pulling him close. "I love you, too. I never stopped. Not for a second."
ilu
Date: 2023-10-23 09:41 am (UTC)Before Clive goes on and Joshua's breath catches, eyes brightening again.
"I never doubted you. Not for a moment." One hand comes up to cup his brother's cheek in turn, thumb brushing along the cheekbone.
"I only wish I could take away the pain right now, but... I think that will take time." Gently, he brushes the fringe away from Clive's eyes, but not tucking it away, even though his fingers fairly itch to set in the familiar way he used to wear it back then. But... he knows he doesn't want who his brother was. He wants who his brother is right now.
"I'm not going away, even if I will have to go back home eventually, so there is all the time in the world."
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Date: 2023-10-24 07:02 am (UTC)Or, just to let Joshua explore his face. He's not sure what's going through Joshua's head, but when he messes with his hair, Clive has an idea. It...causes him to tense up a little, thinking back to their childhood, though he doesn't mean to. But thinking of how their lives were back then... Everything may not have been better, exactly, but they still had each other and a semblance of home. How real that actually was, he can't say, but it felt safe enough.
They're not children anymore. The world hasn't been kind to them. But they have to keep pushing forward. Clive closes his eyes and leans slightly into Joshua's touch, hoping to reassure him that he's allowed to feel things. "Everything takes time. You can't just..." He lifts a hand to gesture at his bandaged cheek. "You can't just throw on a plaster and call it a day, as much as I wish that were so."
He sighs and opens his eyes again, though he can't meet Joshua's gaze for long. "As I am right now, I don't feel..." Clive considers his words. Joshua has just told him that he loves him no matter what, but he wants to be honest. Should he, though? Or will it make things worse? He lifts a hand to rake his fingers through Joshua's hair. "I want to say more, but I don't want to upset you again."
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Date: 2023-10-24 07:33 am (UTC)The words - the last part of them - send a chill down his spine, because there is much that he can hear that can upset him. But he braces himself, squaring his shoulder slightly, even as his eyes remain soft. And he manages a small smile.
"I can manage, especially with the warning. You don't have to hide, nor carry everything alone. And I won't turn away, no matter what it is."
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Date: 2023-10-24 08:17 am (UTC)Clive takes a breath and taps Joshua's nose. "You don't have to agree with me. I don't expect you to. I just... I want to be the brother you deserve to have again. But I don't feel like I'm worthy of that. It's been so long and I worry I've forgotten everything or...or you've outgrown me - "
Ah. As soon as those final words are out of his mouth, Clive shakes his head. "No, ignore that last part. I want to try better. I want to be better. I want you to be stuck with me. I just need you to know that I feel like a mess." Well, he pretty much stumbled his way through that, but...he hopes it at least makes things a little more transparent.
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Date: 2023-10-24 08:41 am (UTC)Though he does grin at the 'forget that last part.' "Oh, good, but I'll still say this. I may have grown up, but I could never outgrow you. I'll always be your little brother. I'm glad you realized that part is not changing on your own."
He lets go of the smile, tilting his head thoughtfully, for a little while.
"As to the rest... it's less that I disagree, as such - I can't tell you not to feel like a mess, only that I don't mind even if you do. Or even if you are. It's more that," he considers for a moment how to phrase it best, then shrugs slightly.
"If you expect me to go away and not be around while you're trying to be better, it's not going to happen." Starting with that. "Also, anything you do as my big brother will be better than what I've had all this time, so don't forget that part. And... we have both changed in these years. Some things haven't, but - we both need to get to know each other and what it means to be brothers now."
Deep breath.
"In short, I don't mind if you take your time and aren't what you think what you should be right now. And anything I can help with, I will. Other than staying away."
He hears you, Clive.
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Date: 2023-10-24 10:56 am (UTC)Not that he wants Joshua to be angry with him, either. It would simply be understandable. Instead, he's...almost painfully understanding.
"I don't want you to go away. I just got you back." Clive's voice cracks on that last word and he swallows, collecting himself again. "I can't help thinking back to when we were kids, though. We had basically everything we could ask for. And now I look at myself and how I got here and it's...hard to reconcile." Again, he shakes his head, trying hard to get out of it. "I know that doesn't matter, not really."
But he's still a mess and he's going to be for some time, if not always. At least Joshua's feelings on that are pretty clear. "Thank you, Joshua."
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Date: 2023-10-24 11:32 am (UTC)The amusement is gone, instead Joshua listens, watches. His eyes warm at the last thank you, and he nods, his brother is welcome. But also...
"It does matter, but I think it matters to me in a different way than how you expect it to matter to me." He breathes out, tightening his hold around Clive once more.
"If I were the child who had basically everything, expecting my older brother who would have everything, I suppose I might have gotten disappointed. Though I can't promise I would have even then. But...
"For a time, I had nothing. I did not even have my name. Perhaps that made some things easier, in the long run, because by the time I remembered what I had lost, I had learned to have a lot less and not... expect otherwise of my life." Although it was then that he was devastated by the loss of his father and brother, of course. But he had gathered his momentum by then, had started being acknowledged for his quick mind and was a likely candidate for a full scholarship for higher education.
"So having you at all back is, like. An extreme upgrade.
"I know that doesn't make you feel less a mess, or less like you need to be more, do more, be better. But it does mean that I honestly and truly don't mind if you take your time, if we both take our time, to become the brothers we can be now. And while I'm not as helpless as I was back then, I still...
"Still need you."
... it's Joshua's turn for his voice to break.
These are words he has not allowed himself to think about anyone in a very long time. But they are the truth, anyway.
He blinks away the sting in his eyes, and presses their foreheads together again.
"Which means," they both need time to process, he's pretty sure, "it's time to demolish that pizza while we wait for your proper medications."
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